The Eyes Have It

Vegan cupcakes---what? No. Just, stop.

So...I had a plan of action this week before driving to UCLA. I knew that if I got there early (which I did), I would sit away from the entire building my class is in and read, then go to class 5 minutes before it started. That seemed to help since I didn't have to sit directly next to Whack-a-do this time. We had to go around the room sharing our ideas for scripts we wanted to write. Sounds easy? Sure, but we only had 2 sentences in which to get the idea across. Yikes. Some ideas were great,others needed work and others sounded like movies that had already been made. Mine went over well and Crazytown's was full of...*eye roll*..."buzzwords" Buh!

I only had to deal with chatting during our break. She asked if she should take the train to San Diego or drive. I said drive but she "doesn't really drive on freeways." Oh, ok. I don't know how you have survived in LA for almost a year without doing that, much less successfully walked this planet for 36 years. I am amazed.
She then went on to talk about how "delicious" vegan cupcakes are. Choke yourself for even letting those words come out of your mouth and for being a liar.

We got to discuss Tootsie at length, which was great. Almost as good as being able to eat a piece of cheese...it's a close call. I thought one of the most interesting parts we talked about was that they didn't have time for "Tootsie" to get to know Jessica Lange's character because it would have been too much dialogue, so they picked a woman who you could fall in love with from just one look. Awesome shortcut! And the new 30 Rock episode tonight even had an entire ending dedicated to scenes with just looks. Life wrapped that handy lesson up for me in a Jack Donaghy shaped present!

You mind if I watch you eat that?

Milk is for your body like Hitler was for

a: the Jews

b: Poland

                  c: brown eyed people

            d: all of the above

So...I started reading a book about what to eat to clear your skin. I for one, don't enjoy buying acne soap and wrinkle cream while getting judgemental looks from the teen mom cashier at Target. The book is really interesting because it says most acne is a reaction to bacteria in your gut. Since I can't drink bleach to clean that crap out, well I could but it wouldn't be great, I have to eat differently. (Don't even try to tell me ProActiv works because I don't suffer fools or waste money on bull crap.)They are promoting a traditional Japanese diet, translate: boring.

The biggest change has been NOT drinking or eating dairy. Cutting dairy out for me is like getting Lindsey Lohan off crack and fire water. I started using Almond Milk, which is good IN things but don't take a swig and think you'll be getting the passionate kiss on the mouth from God like you did when you drank the real thing.

Alright, no milk, but that also means no butter and no cheese. Slit my wrists now. It was Heather's Mom's birthday last week and I was in charge of the cake because...well, because no one is stupid that's why I was in charge of cake. So, I made a vanilla pound cake with butter cream icing and didn't even eat a slice. I just watched everyone eat theirs', like some creepy voyeuristic pervert.

I could go on about how milk is horrible for you but like a girl that keeps going back to an abusive boyfriend, I don't really want to talk too much smack because I still love it even though it's leaving  marks all over my body.

And like Tootsie, rule following, judging others, and aversion to the word lover, Tina Fey and I also see eye to eye on our love of cake.

The Pied Piper of Whack Jobs

Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

 I think this needs to be my motto to live by.

So...I have continued my collection of kooks tonight. I had my first screenwriting class at UCLA. I was early and sat down in the hall until the classroom was free. There was another girl waiting and asked everyone in the hall if it was ok if she waited there. I just thought she had never been to college before b/c sitting in a hallway was something I was used to seeing. She was, of course, drawn to me since I produce a pheromone that only weirdos can smell. I don't even know how to explain her without wasting a whole blog on her. Let's just say,after 3 hours I wanted to shove my pen in my ear so I didn't have to listen to her yap. She has the oddest voice, and when we went around the class answering questions she sat right next to me (like I even needed to include that detail!) and I followed her with my answer. I had to try my hardest to NOT mimic her voice b/c it was so ridiculous. It was like this clip but if she got really excited about something it would get really high pitched and she would jut out her bottom teeth and tugged on her ponytail....it was just ghaaaaastly!



And EVERYTHING was about her and how much of a big shot she was at her old job in NYC, followed by some "buzz word " that made absolutely no sense. For example, "Yes, my tastes are really unique, I go for the armchair, transformation, bittersweet, quirky stories." What. The. Hell?? You can not just put 4 words together and think that it makes any sort of sense. She went on to tell me she has major social anxiety. I was not surprised in the least bit and I said nothing. What I should have said was, "Move along crazy." She thought the teacher must think she's crazy felt like she was taking too many notes because blah, blah, blah...SHOOT ME!

I need to learn how to get this chick AWAY from me. I am not good at being mean but I can't sit through another 9 weeks of her prattling on about NY and her love of the sunshine...uh and that voice! *Slaps forehead*

The class is interesting. An assignment we had was to list 10 movies we love, why we love them and then 2 sentences summarizing the plot. I thought, "ONLY 10?? From what genre, what time period?" I could have gone on for days, weirdo said she had a hard time coming up with 10. (If you can't think of 10 movies you love, maybe you shouldn't be in a film writing class...just a thought.) I decided to give myself a limitation of movies I love because of great writing (not  JUST the music or costumes.) After deep thought, here are my 10.

1. Gone With The Wind
2. Tootsie
3. Auntie Mame
4. Funny Girl
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. Some Like It Hot
7. Back To The Future
8. The Holiday
9. Sabrina
10. Sunset Blvd.

A lot of the people in the class work in "the industry" so I felt like, maybe I was going to be the novice and didn't know much.

...And then I slapped myself in my stupid face. I don't know much about  movies?!  Just because I don't talk like an uppity, self-righteous, douche doesn't mean I don't know my stuff.

Others' choices were: Cohen brother's movies ("all of 'em are sweet", oy vey!), 'The Runaways', 'Clueless' and 'Stars Wars Episode 3', yea #3, the crappy one. Our teacher used to work for Sydney Pollack and if you already knew that he was the director of 'Tootsie', then you are miles ahead of most people in the class. As a matter of fact, our homework for the week is to watch 'Tootsie'. Heaven, I'm in Heaven! I will try not to dominate the discussion of the movie next week..try is the key word.

Moguls, Movies and The Cold

So...after my class on Thursday I went to The Grove/Farmers Market in LA. TCM is doing a 7 part documentary called Moguls and Movie Stars and there was an exhibit  for 2 days only. All the Christmas stuff was up and it was 75 degrees out, yea, super wintry!

Two of my classmates and I were to met up for lunch at a Brazilian food place. As I walked there I saw that MAC make up was having a huge Scottish makeup event and the little Asian queen in the photo below saw me and made a beeline.

HELLOOOO!!

 It was really loud but all I could hear was, "You have great hair," and he shoved a tartan flower thing (below) in my hand and a booklet. Thanks gay guy.

 I went to the exhibit, which I had been looking forward to ever since I heard about it. It wasn't very big, but, it was free so I couldn't really complain. I was interviewed by a TCM employee before I started. She was really nice and I'm sure, was just happy to be talking to someone with out a hearing aide! If you think I'm being mean, I'm not. I was the youngest one there by 60 years and the most mobile. Basically, I was amongst my people.

In between the costumes there were interactive stands that you could look at scripts, watch parts of the documentary series or take quizzes. They had the Oscar from Casablanca there and on one of the screens you could look at Jack Warner's handwritten address book. I thought that was pretty neat because it had phone numbers how they used to be. (Example: Circle-7-2099)

The outfit Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Niagara' was right next to the J. Crew store. I thought it was funny because that outfit (above) is very simple and stylish and it was side by side to a store that thinks it's giving that to the public, when really, it's just over priced crap.

Valentino's outfit from 'The Sheik' is almost one hundred years old and was in fantastic shape.

This was what I was the MOST excited about, clearly. It was one of Scarlett O'Hara's dresses in 'Gone With The Wind', my favorite movie of all time and space. (It's the dress she wore while driving through Shanty Town, not the most glamorous but it was still pretty.) It was a little stained and torn and I read on the plaque in front of it that it was lent out at a Halloween costume!!! Could you imagine getting to wear that to a party! Jeez.

As I left I stumbled across this gaggle of geeks, waiting for the new Harry Potter movie to come out. Look how excited they are to be out of their mom's basements!

I also saw this cute dog. His master is a total douche who uses him to get chick's attention. Sorry dog, bite him in the ba-doobies.

I then drove up to where I'm from to see Lisa Lampanelli Live. I was feeling sick but thought I would get over it, HA. (The night before a dirty kid at work coughed DIRECTLY in my mouth as I was taking his table's order. I Bea Artured those parents SO bad.) I went to the show (I paid for it and yes,I am that much of a tightwad.), but I was in a NyQuil hangover for the rest of the weekend. I would like to thank HBO for having 'Tootsie' on nonstop while I in and out of naps on Fridays. That was wonderful.

Me, my best friend Smaptie and her parents before the show.



Am I on Candid Camera?

Not honey, not sweetie, not tootsie, it's Dorothy, D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, Dorothy.

So...I was watching Tina Fey on Letterman tonight and she put up a photo of what she was for Halloween. Tootsie. Really, Tina?

It is a joke between some of my friends that I am the embodiment of Liz Lemon. It's not something I'm proud of because as Tina Fey said herself, "Liz Lemon is a more pathetic version of myself." Ouch. But the truth is supposed to hurt.

Liz Lemon=Moi

• Dated gay men
• Therefore has no gaydar
• Hates people that break rules
• Loves hot dogs
• Mistaken for a lesbian
• Can not be sexy
• Had horrible boyfriends
• Talks to food about her problems
• Star Wars Nerd
• Been a beard
• Loves Show tunes
• Has a foot secret
• Loves UNO
• People think she's racist
• Judges with facial expressions
• Tries to be nice
• Endanger of being an old spinster
• Would rather have men buy her food, than drinks
• Stays up all night writing
• Uncomfortable with sexual stuff (Yep, not a skank.)
• Loves ham
• Horrible dancers
• Has great relationship with TV

I could keep going for a while more, but you get the point.

But the Tootsie thing is the LIMIT! No one loves Tootsie more than me...NO ONE!! You need to stop with the hidden cameras (unless Stacey and Clinton are going to pop out, then that's OK) Tina, no more stealing my life. I need to capitalize on it first, damn it!

If I were a Gay Man...

Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.

So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)

Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:

• Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
• Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
• The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
• Tootsie (duh.)
• Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
• The cast of Some Like It Hot.
• Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
• Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
• Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
• Annie and Daddy Warbucks
• Charles Nelson Reiley

I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.

"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.

Let Me Give You a Tit, I Mean Tip.

So...today I served a bunch of attraction cast members at work. They were all about 19-20 years old and were relatively polite, or so I thought. They left me a written note that said, and I quote, " TIP! You must readjust your boobs, every hour, on the hour or they will go south for the winter! :( <3 People at the Table."

Swear to God, that's what it said.

As we all know, I have problems with my boobs at work (and in life) because I can't see anything below them since they are so...ample. I have had buttons undone and not known it, knocked glasses over because of them. So my first thought was, 'Oh God, what is wrong with my tits?' I looked down and checked my bits out, yes, in the middle of the dining room. What? It was a potential emergency! Everything seemed good, then I got annoyed. I showed it to a few co workers who thought: A. it was super rude and B. that would happen to me.

I'm used to creepy Dads checking out my business but I'm not used to weird college students writing notes to my rack. Things are getting a little too weird, even for me.

Zap Him Right In the Ba-Dobies!!!

So... I LOVE the movie Tootsie. I don't know why but I love everything about that film. Even the cheesy 80's soft rock as performed by the very mellow, Stephen Bishop.

I want Tootsie to be my best friend, she is AWESOME!! She can do hair and make up and ask you deep questions randomly without making you feel uneasy. I find her voice the most comforting voice of all time, I hope God sounds like that. Yes, my heaven is full of drag queens and frosting, whatever at least it'll be a party! And I am a Taurus and we have a strong drag influence. Don't believe me, go ask Cher, Barbara or Bea. All Taurus and all have a definite link to drag, so I blame it on the stars.

I know she's really a dude, OK, I have seen the movie about a million time but I still think she's perfect for Les. And let's all face it, Dustin Hoffman is WAY more attractive as a lady than as himself. Hell, he's more attractive as Captain Hook!

Anyways, while looking on the Inter webs today I found this interesting interview about a behind the scenes Tootsie moment. It was like a Valentine's gift to myself. It's funny so I hope you enjoy it.