S.A.G.S and TITS

I'm 100% sure I have a photo with the same facial expressions with my best friend. If Fey and Poehler are anything like Cassie and me, they can only be noticing one thing, someone farted.

So...after the world's most uneventful shift, I watched the SAG Awards tonight and I will say, award shows are AWESOME with a DVR. And, for an award show ONLY for actors, not a lot of them can read cue cards super great. For some reason during the red carpet interviews, the majority of them were snoozeburgers. You're wearing  $100,000 of diamonds on your chest and get to drink all the free booze you want, I'd be super stoked!

Every one's fascination with Natalie Portman---I just, why? She's knock-up by her boyfriend who's a ballerina...Judy Garland had a kid with a gay guy too, big whoop! I read a quote from her while she was promoting her dump-tastic rom-com and these were her feelings on the romantic comedy genre, "They always want to get married at the end. There’s some kind of makeover scene. That stuff offends me." Well, Nat, there actually are movies about a hot girl who sleeps around, they're called porn and THAT is a more reasonable thing to be offended by, hippie.

Not to paint myself as a complete prude, let's talk about mammalia.

Tits, Ba zooms, Fun Bags, Medicine Balls, Pechangas, Nay-Nays---my world, welcome to it.

I also found out that NO ONE knows when 'Mad Men' will be coming back. This news seriously screwed my impending summer romance with my TV sideways because 'Mad Men' comes in and fills the cold, sad void of no new '30 Rock.' And on top of that news, my girl, Christina Hendrick's looked cute but the dress was super boring. (I have only recently purchased by first LBD, black is boring---I look better in technicolor!) AND, her husband was annoying and talked WAY too much on the red carpet interviews. Shut your yap and thank your lucky stars that you get to go home and sleep next to that.

Christina is all about her bazooms and that dress didn't really show them off. Since, I too, am in the Big Titty Committee, I think that you'd better show 'em off while they're nice, because some day they'll be like that song lyric, "Can you throw them o'er your shoulder/Like a Continental Soldier?"

Sophia Vergara ('Modern Family') knows what I'm talking about and I LOVED her dress. I would rock that dress if I ever went anywhere awesome. 

I Want To Go To There.



Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Comedy. Thank God, because Big Bang Theory is a Hindenburg of a show. I don't know how that nerdy dude won at the Golden Globes and Emmys instead of my precious Daddy Bear.

On a completely random note, I love the photos of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They remind me of Cassie and me being total goobs and I'm happy to know that I can continue being a dork for a few more decades!

You mind if I watch you eat that?

Milk is for your body like Hitler was for

a: the Jews

b: Poland

                  c: brown eyed people

            d: all of the above

So...I started reading a book about what to eat to clear your skin. I for one, don't enjoy buying acne soap and wrinkle cream while getting judgemental looks from the teen mom cashier at Target. The book is really interesting because it says most acne is a reaction to bacteria in your gut. Since I can't drink bleach to clean that crap out, well I could but it wouldn't be great, I have to eat differently. (Don't even try to tell me ProActiv works because I don't suffer fools or waste money on bull crap.)They are promoting a traditional Japanese diet, translate: boring.

The biggest change has been NOT drinking or eating dairy. Cutting dairy out for me is like getting Lindsey Lohan off crack and fire water. I started using Almond Milk, which is good IN things but don't take a swig and think you'll be getting the passionate kiss on the mouth from God like you did when you drank the real thing.

Alright, no milk, but that also means no butter and no cheese. Slit my wrists now. It was Heather's Mom's birthday last week and I was in charge of the cake because...well, because no one is stupid that's why I was in charge of cake. So, I made a vanilla pound cake with butter cream icing and didn't even eat a slice. I just watched everyone eat theirs', like some creepy voyeuristic pervert.

I could go on about how milk is horrible for you but like a girl that keeps going back to an abusive boyfriend, I don't really want to talk too much smack because I still love it even though it's leaving  marks all over my body.

And like Tootsie, rule following, judging others, and aversion to the word lover, Tina Fey and I also see eye to eye on our love of cake.

Am I on Candid Camera?

Not honey, not sweetie, not tootsie, it's Dorothy, D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, Dorothy.

So...I was watching Tina Fey on Letterman tonight and she put up a photo of what she was for Halloween. Tootsie. Really, Tina?

It is a joke between some of my friends that I am the embodiment of Liz Lemon. It's not something I'm proud of because as Tina Fey said herself, "Liz Lemon is a more pathetic version of myself." Ouch. But the truth is supposed to hurt.

Liz Lemon=Moi

• Dated gay men
• Therefore has no gaydar
• Hates people that break rules
• Loves hot dogs
• Mistaken for a lesbian
• Can not be sexy
• Had horrible boyfriends
• Talks to food about her problems
• Star Wars Nerd
• Been a beard
• Loves Show tunes
• Has a foot secret
• Loves UNO
• People think she's racist
• Judges with facial expressions
• Tries to be nice
• Endanger of being an old spinster
• Would rather have men buy her food, than drinks
• Stays up all night writing
• Uncomfortable with sexual stuff (Yep, not a skank.)
• Loves ham
• Horrible dancers
• Has great relationship with TV

I could keep going for a while more, but you get the point.

But the Tootsie thing is the LIMIT! No one loves Tootsie more than me...NO ONE!! You need to stop with the hidden cameras (unless Stacey and Clinton are going to pop out, then that's OK) Tina, no more stealing my life. I need to capitalize on it first, damn it!

Dream a Little Dream

 

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So...I had a very clear, yet odd dream the other night that is sure to semi-insult my Mom. Since I'm 99% sure she's the only one that reads my blog, sorry Mom, I couldn't control this.

During this dream I was with a ton of kids at a train station (I was not a kid I was my current age) and we were going to meet our "real" parents. (Again, sorry Mom) I was walking up a steep ramp and Andy Richter(yes, Conan's sidekick) waved to me and said he had my parents right here.

And there they were Liz Lemon and Conan O'Brien. They were very nice to me and we ran and jumped on the train. Then Mr. Bojangles needed food and I woke up.

Reasons why this makes sense (at least in dreamland):

Papa Can You Hear Me? Conan's rapport with Martha Stewart and his love of My Little Ponies is one clue. He is also a history buff, like myself. We both enjoy BIG, orange, hair.

Conan O'Brien interviews Martha Stewart - watch more funny videos

Also I road a horse in Scotland (his name was Jason) and instead of coughing, he farted the whole time I road him. Thanks, Jason.

Mammy!! Like Liz Lemon I have no gaydar, HATE people that break rules, have been confused for a lesbian(I don't understand how, I'm not that surly), am a brutal Uno player, been called a racist (I hate everyone equally), insist that I really am a nice person, bossy, have talked to food about my problems (but have never pooped my pants as an adult),listens to show tunes, have a fairly good knowledge of Star Wars(not proud of that), have had horrible boyfriends, can not be "sexy", is skeptical of anyone who asks me out, and I have the nerdy glasses which I got BEFORE 30 Rock.

 
Even after this analysis, I clearly watch way too much TV but it does make for interesting dreams. I need a dream dictionary, maybe it all means something...other than I watch alot of both of those shows.