Am I on Candid Camera?

Not honey, not sweetie, not tootsie, it's Dorothy, D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, Dorothy.

So...I was watching Tina Fey on Letterman tonight and she put up a photo of what she was for Halloween. Tootsie. Really, Tina?

It is a joke between some of my friends that I am the embodiment of Liz Lemon. It's not something I'm proud of because as Tina Fey said herself, "Liz Lemon is a more pathetic version of myself." Ouch. But the truth is supposed to hurt.

Liz Lemon=Moi

• Dated gay men
• Therefore has no gaydar
• Hates people that break rules
• Loves hot dogs
• Mistaken for a lesbian
• Can not be sexy
• Had horrible boyfriends
• Talks to food about her problems
• Star Wars Nerd
• Been a beard
• Loves Show tunes
• Has a foot secret
• Loves UNO
• People think she's racist
• Judges with facial expressions
• Tries to be nice
• Endanger of being an old spinster
• Would rather have men buy her food, than drinks
• Stays up all night writing
• Uncomfortable with sexual stuff (Yep, not a skank.)
• Loves ham
• Horrible dancers
• Has great relationship with TV

I could keep going for a while more, but you get the point.

But the Tootsie thing is the LIMIT! No one loves Tootsie more than me...NO ONE!! You need to stop with the hidden cameras (unless Stacey and Clinton are going to pop out, then that's OK) Tina, no more stealing my life. I need to capitalize on it first, damn it!

Stupid Turds

Always Liz Lemon, never Tina Fey.

So...Right before I came in to write this blog I went to pour myself a glass of water, the lid popped off the Brita pitcher and dumped all over me. I had just taken a shower but fate decided I needed another shower of icy cold filtered goodness all over my chest. And yes, I cleaned it up with a dish rag that has cats printed all over it.

Tonight I served a family that wanted to keep drinking and I wanted to leave because I'm a very important and busy person, so I told them bars around Disney that they could go to.(Please note this entire conversation took place with me unaware that my shirt button was undone across my chest, yes I wore an undershirt, but it was still embarrassing.) The Dad seemed to think I was a party girl because I was so informative about where to drink near by, so I corrected him by informing him of my plans for this evening: going home, watching Law and Order and knitting. The Mom high fived me and said, "Wow, I bet your Mom never worries about you." Why, because I'm not a raging alcoholic? Because I'm pathetic? Because I give good advice about all things southern California related? (And, my Mom does worry, because she's a good Mom and that's part of the job, or did you not get the memo?)

The week before I served a really nice family from Australia who chatted me up for a long time about what to do in LA then talked to me about how ugly Megan Fox looks with all her plastic surgery. I mentioned she is younger than me (she's 24) and the Dad told me, "25...(sympathetically touched my arm) good for you." What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Why am I always Liz Lemon and never Tina Fey? Every time I look on Facebook everyone is so damn happy and I am getting consoled about being over the hill at 25!! I hate how people with, what I consider boring lives, are constantly spouting off statuses about how much they love their lives and how great everything is, they have hot boyfriends, go on great vacations, even their farts smell like perfume. Shut up. Are you actually happy or are you trying to convince yourself that you are? Whatever it is, you are annoying. My ultimate happy will one day trump their's. Maybe it's God giving me stuff to write about so that I can one day come out of my boring cocoon and flap, flap, flap, butterfly.

All of this crap I have to deal with now will be turned into golden, shimmering award winning funny and hot beefcakes will follow me around everywhere I go because I am amazing and have a great rack. (At least the last two things are already true!)

Things will start to look up for Old' Liz Lemon, they have to....or else I'll be writing this in a mental institution, on the back of an old banana peel.

Dream a Little Dream

 

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So...I had a very clear, yet odd dream the other night that is sure to semi-insult my Mom. Since I'm 99% sure she's the only one that reads my blog, sorry Mom, I couldn't control this.

During this dream I was with a ton of kids at a train station (I was not a kid I was my current age) and we were going to meet our "real" parents. (Again, sorry Mom) I was walking up a steep ramp and Andy Richter(yes, Conan's sidekick) waved to me and said he had my parents right here.

And there they were Liz Lemon and Conan O'Brien. They were very nice to me and we ran and jumped on the train. Then Mr. Bojangles needed food and I woke up.

Reasons why this makes sense (at least in dreamland):

Papa Can You Hear Me? Conan's rapport with Martha Stewart and his love of My Little Ponies is one clue. He is also a history buff, like myself. We both enjoy BIG, orange, hair.

Conan O'Brien interviews Martha Stewart - watch more funny videos

Also I road a horse in Scotland (his name was Jason) and instead of coughing, he farted the whole time I road him. Thanks, Jason.

Mammy!! Like Liz Lemon I have no gaydar, HATE people that break rules, have been confused for a lesbian(I don't understand how, I'm not that surly), am a brutal Uno player, been called a racist (I hate everyone equally), insist that I really am a nice person, bossy, have talked to food about my problems (but have never pooped my pants as an adult),listens to show tunes, have a fairly good knowledge of Star Wars(not proud of that), have had horrible boyfriends, can not be "sexy", is skeptical of anyone who asks me out, and I have the nerdy glasses which I got BEFORE 30 Rock.

 
Even after this analysis, I clearly watch way too much TV but it does make for interesting dreams. I need a dream dictionary, maybe it all means something...other than I watch alot of both of those shows.