If I were a Gay Man...

Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.

So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)

Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:

• Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
• Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
• The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
• Tootsie (duh.)
• Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
• The cast of Some Like It Hot.
• Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
• Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
• Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
• Annie and Daddy Warbucks
• Charles Nelson Reiley

I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.

"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.

Julia and Me and Eddie and Mr. Bojangles

So...today Eddie and I made boeuf bourguignon. It's kind of a French beef stew...who cares what the crap it is because it smells AMAZING while it cooks for 3 hours!!!!

This is all the stuff we had to buy at the store. Food cost was $52 but we spilt it so $26ish each. With all the left overs we ended up with it was VERY reasonably priced. Also, you do NOT need parsley, I just saved you $.89, you're welcome.  And yes, Paula Deen is the Patron Saint of my kitchen, sorry Julia!

We also bought wine, $23 for 3 bottles (two good ones and one to cook with that ended up not tasting too shabby.)

I was in charge of patting the beef dry so it would brown properly while Eddie cut the rinds off the bacon. After drying 3 plates of beef off I was a little grossed out by all the blood on the paper towels and understood why some people would become vegetarians.

Until....

I smelled the bacon boiling. It doesn't really matter how you cook bacon, it always smells fabulous. Sorry vegetarians, more bacon for me!!!

We then browned the meat in olive oil. Note to whom ever plans on making this dish: buy a pair of tongs or your hands will get zapped with hot oil when flipping the meat with a mere fork.

After the meat was browned we sauteed the onions and carrots in the same meaty oils. We added more carrots than the single lonely carrot the recipe called for, I would have even added more than the 3 we tossed in!

 Toss it all back in add 3 cups Chianti, 3 cups beef stock and some seasonings and put it in the oven for 3 hours! BOOM!!! Easy.

While we waited for the boeuf to be done we sauteed a pound of mushrooms in butter (also making the apartment smell wonderful!!)

And boiled some pearl onions in beef stock. After both were ready we just set them aside for when the beef was ready. If you think those two items are something you can NOT add to the dish then you are mistaken, they really add to the meal.

As do potatoes!! We chopped some up, threw olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and Lawry's Season salt on and put them in the oven too. They took about 45 minutes to fry up.

While waiting we also drank some wine. I'm not a big wine drinker, I prefer vodka, but I thought OK, Julia Child recommended red wine to drink with the dish, I'll try it. I had about A glass of wine. It was alright, I would drink it again but also, not my first choice!!

ALMOST DONE! We separated the solids from the liquid to make a kind of gravy. It was worth it.

Julia would be proud. Thank God I went running all this week!! It was very good and there was about 4 more serving left over after we both got fed. Yum.

Taking my first bite while my exercise ball judges me in the background. I know, 300 crunches!!!

Not a very funny blog posting but I bet you're hungry now! Jealous?!?! I thought so.

Isn't It Romantic? Well, isn't it?!

So... I watched Julie and Julia today with my friend Eddie (no, of course not straight!). We both noticed that Julia Child really had a thing for Valentine's Day. Eddie sincerely hates that "holiday." Surprisingly, I do not hate Valentine's Day. I really like hearts, mixtures of pink and red and I really like candy. (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person under 50 that LOVES conversation hearts.) When I was a kid I always enjoyed picking out the Valentine's Day cards we passed out to classmates(the coolest ones I ever passed out were Clarissa Explains It All), plus all the super fun, cutesy Valentine's Day crafts we made leading up to the party.

I suppose what I really enjoyed, without knowing it, was that EVERYONE was included and got to celebrate and have fun. Like everything in childhood, enjoy it while you can! Unless you are a second grade teacher, it's not like that as an adult. It's a very exclusive celebration and not everyone gets a My Little Pony card in the heart shaped envelope on the back of their desks. Not everyone likes you, and even more specifically, like that.

I've been bombarded with emails from Robbins Bros. about "planning the perfect Valentine's proposal," ads reminded guys to buy Russell Stover candies(DO NOT buy those guys, you're girlfriend will know you put ZERO thought into it and just ran into a Rite Aid. Not even a real gift and they taste like crap.)and my least favorite "how to make sure you get some this Valentine's Day" from Spike TV. (Rule #1, don't do anything on that list because it's made by douchebags who clearly don't have girlfriends.)

I can ignore the ads. What I can't ignore are the stupid turds I serve every year on that day that say, "Oh, what are you doing for today?" Well genius, it's 7PM, I'm at WORK, so clearly, I have no romantic plans. Since I can't say that, I just say nothing, which is almost worse because I then get the, "AWWW, why not?! You're so pretty." Thanks for further insulting me today, I'm lonely and attractive so something must be the matter with me. Do I have smelly feet? Am I a nun? (No and no) That is the one day I wish I could go to work and be invisible for the day. I can't pretend to be happy for the girls at work who get stuff from their boyfriends or the people I'm serving on dates. I can't be happy because I think, "Hey, why you? What's so great about you that you get all this cool stuff and I get nothing?" It's like Rudolph having to watch all the other reindeer play and not get to join in, even though he's just as good (and as we find out BETTER) than they are.

Most guys hate the holiday. I love when I hear, "Valentine's Day is a stupid made up holiday, guys should be romantic everyday." You right they should.  But since that doesn't happen, guys don't get laid everyday of the year and we have this holiday for slackers. Look at it as extra credit dummies.

Hopefully all the crappy Valentine's Days I've had plus all the lonely Valentine's Days will equal at least one awesome Valentine's Day in the future where I can finally be part of all the reindeer games...how, uncharacteristically optimistic of me.