If I were a Gay Man...

Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.

So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)

Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:

• Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
• Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
• The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
• Tootsie (duh.)
• Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
• The cast of Some Like It Hot.
• Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
• Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
• Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
• Annie and Daddy Warbucks
• Charles Nelson Reiley

I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.

"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.

Prince Charming is Gay

Nothing says 'I'm an adult ready for marriage' like cartoon animals.

So...I witnessed, what I consider to be the most ridiculous wedding reception of my life last weekend at work. The theme was the movie 'Lady and the Tramp.' I'll let you think about that for a minute. The bride to be reminded me of my ex-roommate because she had the annoying baby voice and LOVED glitter. She wore what looked like a slutty Glenda the Good Witch dress that Tinkerbell had farted glitter all over. And no one bothered to tell her that the tulle was see through, which was a fun added bonus for the guys working that night. She was a total bridezilla and looked to be maybe 21...maybe. I know that she had one of the Disney themed wedding packages.

Nothing says I'm a mature adult prepared to make a serious life commitment like an animated  fairytale. I know the girls that do this are totally immature little twits who clearly have some deep seeded childhood issues to deal with. To me you shouldn't be able to get your wedding stuff in the same isle of Party City that 5 year old's get their cheap-o birthday knick-knacks.

Straight guys don't keep lost high heels.

Next annoyance, Prince Charming. I'm not 6 years old anymore, Prince Charming is as real as the Tooth Fairy...actually they have a lot in common, they are both big fairies! Don't believe me? Prince Charming loved shoes way too much for a straight dude.

Silence is Golden?

The Disney Princes that weren't light in their tights were pretty weird too. Prince Charming(Snow White): Necrophiliac, Prince Phillip: Samesies, The Beast: Stockholm Syndrome, Prince Eric: Women have nothing important to say. See.. I'm good with out any of that nonsense to deal with in a man.

I know, 'to each her own,' but the Princess themed wedding is stupid and a waste of money. If I ever have to go to a themed wedding for one of my friends I will be eating an entire layer of your cake to punish you for being an idiot, so please factor that into your budget.

You have been warned.

Everyone's a Critic 3.0

So... I went to see Toy Story 3 the other day with my little brother and my friend Heather. We went at noon and there were a few kids but more adults. ALL the adults were ROLLING!! It was a hysterical movie, jokes about outlaws welcome past the border, Mr. Potato Head (Mr. Warmth himself, Don Rickles who I adore!!) stealing money...of course they have the Jew take the money!! It was great, but it is a Pixar movie so they try to make you tear up. Honestly, best new movie I've seen all year.

The plot revolves around Andy growing up and what is he going to do with his old toys. The movie basically made me feel bad about giving away toys. I still have my big box of Barbies that aren't going anywhere any time soon now! My first Barbie I got when I was 2 after waking up from a nap. This is the ad for her.

She was AWESOME! While watching the movie it made me miss playing. Growing up sucks for a BUNCH of reasons and people that play with toys in adulthood are normally geeks who live in their Mom's basement, so I don't think I'll start it up again! I also love the smell of new plastic, you know, the way a brand new toy smells on Christmas...ahhhh, it's wonderful. Watching the movie made me realize why my parents, well mostly my Dad, played with my toys before I woke up on Christmas.

Speaking of Barbies they are making a Sugar Daddy Barbie, who looks...super FABBBULOUSS!!!!

They didn't make Ken gay in the movie, but he was very flamboyant. Honestly, he was the best character, hilarious.

The Sugar Daddy Ken reminds of a hilarious character a guy from Second City created called, Sassy Gay Friend...it makes me laugh, enjoy.

Trannies and Twinks and Bears! OH MY!

Tranny Hot Mess

So...last Monday night I went to WeHo (West Hollywood) with my friend Eddie. Although I am a fag hag I have never been to the gay Mecca, shame on me. It was filled with all sorts of gay magic!

For those of you who don't know where WeHo is, it's located on Santa Monica Blvd. and the super gay section is about 2 blocks long.

As soon as we parked the car I heard, in that unmistakable gay accent, "HEYYY GUUURRRRLLL!!!"  This little black twink is clearly drunk and just yelling this as he walks. Well, us not being drunk, caught up to him. He whipped around as soon as I was 6 feet behind him and said, " HEY GUURRRLLL, where are you going? You look fierccccce! We're going to whatever club you're going to!" Then grabbed my arm. Since I didn't know where we were going to, I told his drunkenness that I'd meet up with him later...whatever, it worked.

We walked past all the glittery, pink lighted techno blaring clubs to what looked like a dive bar. There were only 6 people in there and the bar tender was in plaid, very un-gay. But, he was gay, how do I know? He asked me for my ID and I pulled it out from my bra and he said, "Oh, what a safe spot." "Well, yea, I don't have to worry about anyone grabbin' my ta-tas here." Then he giggle like a little girl. I went to the bathroom and while returning one queen told me my makeup look "ah-mazing."

On to Micky's, where they were having a viewing party for Ru-Paul's Drag Race (it's a TV show on VH1 and LOGO) with two of the real contestants from the show there. AWESOME, quality drag queens my first time out!! One of the "girls" was dressed as David Bowie from Labyrinth, spot on!

Let's Dance!

The next one up was Lady Gaga. I feel like that is a fairly easy person to be because 1: she already looks like a drag queen and 2: no one really knows what she looks like so it's kind of cheating!

Ra-Ra-Ah-Ah-Ah-Gaga-Ohh-La-La

Another girl was dressed up Donna Summers-esque and got all diva-y and ripped off her wig and sassed it up! I didn't get a photo of her for fear of getting slapped! Eddie ended up knowing one of the girls, her name was Ursula...because that's what she looked like. I didn't get a photo but I made an impression on her because Eddie saw her the next night and she asked for me...maybe she wants my voice!!!

Poor Unfortunate Soul

Side note: I got a drink from the bar and let me just say, one of the BEST bars ever. Why is that you ask?

Because THAT is what the bartenders look like! OH YEA! That dude was my bartender. Neither Eddie nor I could figure out if he was gay or straight but since I think he's cute, I'm going with gay based on my own personal history of being attracted to gay dudes.

After the drag show was done the dancing began. We were on the edge of the dance floor and hand to God, it was like freaking West Side Story at every turn. Dancing gangs came to the floor like gay flocks of geese, all V-ed out in groups of threes. There were walk offs, very serious and Clydesdale like and crazy drag queens dancing alone while watching themselves in the mirror...while I looked at their facial hair! AHHH!!!

We walked down to The Abbey and this little Hispanic guy stopped us and said " O. M. G. Your hair is FABULOUS. And I'm a hair stylist." Thank you, so you're compliment has more value because of your profession or something? Thanks. While on our walk we were followed by a homeless black lady in a wheelchair. She really scared me but called us both girls.

FIERCE at The Abbey

The Abbey wasn't really poppin' but we stayed long enough to get away from crazy wheels. We went to Ripples where there were men dancing in underwear on the bar and fat straight girls slapping one of their butt's. Yikes, never let me be that girl! So we ended up going back to my apartment and Eddie fell asleep on my couch and I slept super hard! Overall it was a really fun and interesting night.

May I Make A Suggestion?

So...I have been clicking the 'next blog' button to look around/creepily spy on other bloggers' blogs. Either EVERYONE writes about the same few topics OR blogger.com is trying to tell me something. And if that is in fact the case, then, in the words of Stephanie Tanner of 'Full House' fame, "How ruuuude!"

Popular Blog No 1: Running

WAY to many people are writing about their running experiences, training schedule for triathlons or marathons. Great, you aren't paralyzed and can run, enough already. If running is that entertaining that why is everyone always listening to their iPod or watching The Colbert Report while they run? Oh, that's right because running SUCKS! No one likes it. If they say they do, they are liars and Jesus hates them(I'll get to you in a minute Jesus, hold on!) People that run all the time are clearly nuts and have some inner demon they need to deal with.

Case in point:

Crazy guy who runs alot. At least part of the time he's running from someone who's actually chasing him.

The only reason I run is because the girl on the right (Monique) is hiding inside me, just waiting to come out. I am reminded that it's OK to eat because weekly I see my gym-reaper, Karen Carpenter's (left) twin at the gym. She pounds away on the StairMaster and creeps the hell out me. I'm fairly certain I will witness her death at 2AM at 24 Hour Fitness.

The only other reason to run a lot is for money. Those super fast black guys at the Olympics make tons of money, so I get that reason for doing it, it still doesn't make it fun!

Popular Blog No. 2: Crazy Christians

Jesus is ashamed of his people's lack of creativity and poor spelling.

I don't care if you are Baptist (although they are most assuredly the winner in the crazy for Jesus race), Lutheran, whatever, blogs just about Jesus are coo-coo for coco puffs. I get the middle aged Moms who write them because their kids are grown up and they are bored, so they feel Jesus gives them purpose, I get them. It's the college students I don't understand. I found one that had a HUGE, very serious head shot of a 20 something girl then in small type, Grace every day, spreading Jesus' love. Nothing says it's all about Jesus like a HUGE photo of yourself. You're crazy and already have +300 points in the race to becoming a cat lady, congrats, you are beating me. I have also found that these kinds of people are the ones that are very passionate about making signs (mostly poorly spelt signs) and going to events they can carry these hilarious signs at, mostly at anti-gay rallies. I'm sorry Christians but gay dudes come up with WAY better and hilarious signs. Let me share my favorites with you:

 

Two words: Rock Hudson

Christians, you need to learn some sweet comedic skills, like this gay, HEELLLLOOOO!!!

Good Point

So, I will not be joining the uber Christians any time soon. Mostly because they don't know how to have fun...or do hair.

These ladies clearly do NOT have a gay BFF.

Popular Blog No. 3: Babies

Stop looking at me creepy baby.

I understand that people want to share their photos with family and friends, that's what a flickr account is for. No one except the parents give a crap about Little Johnny walking or talking. People walk and talk everyday, most of the time they do a horrible job at it too. If Johnny is 6 months and plays Schubert, then forget the blog and call Oprah!  Plus pictures of babies are BORING. They are just laying there, drooling and thinking about...nothing.

Then when they do, this happens:

EVERY DAY I see this at work and it makes my uterus want to kill itself. I think my biological clock is permanently on snooze.

So, in summary, blogger.com suggests that my fat ass start running, then thank Jesus I lost the weight and found someone to have horrible little trolls with. You're wrong and just mean blogger.com.