Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.
So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)
Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:
Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
Tootsie (duh.)
Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
The cast of Some Like It Hot.
Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
Mrs. Doubtfire
Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
Annie and Daddy Warbucks
Charles Nelson Reiley
I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.
"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.
Yes, you should open my door, thank you Don Draper!!
So...yesterday in my writing class I wrote a sketch about a Disney-esque Princess who meets a feminist and she doesn't understand women who just want to take care of Prince Charming. My teacher told me that I write about women's roles a lot. I was not aware that I did, but alright. I think he was under the impression that I was a staunch feminist. Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter and then there's...me? Nope. I told him how great it would be if all I had to worry about was looking cute, cooking and cleaning, I'm already great at all 3 of those things. I think that shocked him a bit and now, upon further inspection, I found my thoughts on this are not so black and white.
I believe that I snapped to my former statement because it's the polar opposite of everything that I'm so tired of. I am sick of paying for dates(or going Dutch, screw the Dutch, what did they ever do?!), opening my own door, making reservations, being ridiculously thoughtful, remembering almost everything, making more money than my date, fixing crap and especially being the most assertive...I'm sick of being the Alpha Male! I never get to be the lady, no matter how fancy the dress or how high the heels I will still dominate. I feel like I'm waiting for another Alpha Male(an actual male) to challenge me, lose and then, finally I can be uber feminine.
On the flip side, I also find it DISGUSTING when I talk to friends who can't do anything without responding, "let me ask my boyfriend." WHAT? You aren't married, so do whatever the hell you want! (Plus, he's a douche.) I can't handle all the checking in crap and constant texts and stupid ass nicknames. It makes me want to sit on a knife!
Also,I don't think I can "have it all." Meaning a house, career, social life, keep it all looking "tight", chores and a husband. (I would only want that if I was wealthy and could get some help.) I see women who "have it all" every day at work and I am here to tell you, they look tired as hell! Not only do they look horrible, but their husbands are useless. They can't order for the kids, or know how to fold up a stroller. Sweet Jesus, grow a pair, be assertive, and make a decision!
Women have to do everything, including be a man and I don't want to be a man anymore!! It seems like the only road to being thought of as a girl is to be a mindless slut. What annoys me to no end is that I can cook an amazing dinner and knit you a sweater (both underrated skills which are actually hard to do.)But since I physically and mentally can not be a slut; my choices are be a smart young lady and be doomed to be the Alpha Male in every relationship or a stupid, useless skank and be thought of as a girl. (Please don't say "Oh you don't want to date a guy that wants a skank." EVERY guy wants a slutty girl, ok.) I see the slutty girls out with guys that I think are decent and think, "How does SHE have a boyfriend? She's a worthless piece of crap and....a slut." I do not need a guy but it irritates me that these mindless chicks are the most sought after when the only thing they bring to the table is a couple of orifices! 50 years ago, I would have been the SH*T with all my ridiculous skills!
So, in response to my teacher I say, my thoughts on women's roles are complicated...I don't want to be a slut but I want an Alpha Male who can take charge and who let's it be OK that I can be a lady for more than a second.
Also, if you didn't get my Maude references, here's the theme to the TV show Maude.
If I'm doomed to be an Alpha, at least I'm most like Bea...especially since, like her, I can't help judging people with my face!
So... I LOVE the movie Tootsie. I don't know why but I love everything about that film. Even the cheesy 80's soft rock as performed by the very mellow, Stephen Bishop.
I want Tootsie to be my best friend, she is AWESOME!! She can do hair and make up and ask you deep questions randomly without making you feel uneasy. I find her voice the most comforting voice of all time, I hope God sounds like that. Yes, my heaven is full of drag queens and frosting, whatever at least it'll be a party! And I am a Taurus and we have a strong drag influence. Don't believe me, go ask Cher, Barbara or Bea. All Taurus and all have a definite link to drag, so I blame it on the stars.
I know she's really a dude, OK, I have seen the movie about a million time but I still think she's perfect for Les. And let's all face it, Dustin Hoffman is WAY more attractive as a lady than as himself. Hell, he's more attractive as Captain Hook!
Anyways, while looking on the Inter webs today I found this interesting interview about a behind the scenes Tootsie moment. It was like a Valentine's gift to myself. It's funny so I hope you enjoy it.
Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.
So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)
Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:
Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
Tootsie (duh.)
Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
The cast of Some Like It Hot.
Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
Mrs. Doubtfire
Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
Annie and Daddy Warbucks
Charles Nelson Reiley
I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.
"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.
Yes, you should open my door, thank you Don Draper!!
So...yesterday in my writing class I wrote a sketch about a Disney-esque Princess who meets a feminist and she doesn't understand women who just want to take care of Prince Charming. My teacher told me that I write about women's roles a lot. I was not aware that I did, but alright. I think he was under the impression that I was a staunch feminist. Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter and then there's...me? Nope. I told him how great it would be if all I had to worry about was looking cute, cooking and cleaning, I'm already great at all 3 of those things. I think that shocked him a bit and now, upon further inspection, I found my thoughts on this are not so black and white.
I believe that I snapped to my former statement because it's the polar opposite of everything that I'm so tired of. I am sick of paying for dates(or going Dutch, screw the Dutch, what did they ever do?!), opening my own door, making reservations, being ridiculously thoughtful, remembering almost everything, making more money than my date, fixing crap and especially being the most assertive...I'm sick of being the Alpha Male! I never get to be the lady, no matter how fancy the dress or how high the heels I will still dominate. I feel like I'm waiting for another Alpha Male(an actual male) to challenge me, lose and then, finally I can be uber feminine.
On the flip side, I also find it DISGUSTING when I talk to friends who can't do anything without responding, "let me ask my boyfriend." WHAT? You aren't married, so do whatever the hell you want! (Plus, he's a douche.) I can't handle all the checking in crap and constant texts and stupid ass nicknames. It makes me want to sit on a knife!
Also,I don't think I can "have it all." Meaning a house, career, social life, keep it all looking "tight", chores and a husband. (I would only want that if I was wealthy and could get some help.) I see women who "have it all" every day at work and I am here to tell you, they look tired as hell! Not only do they look horrible, but their husbands are useless. They can't order for the kids, or know how to fold up a stroller. Sweet Jesus, grow a pair, be assertive, and make a decision!
Women have to do everything, including be a man and I don't want to be a man anymore!! It seems like the only road to being thought of as a girl is to be a mindless slut. What annoys me to no end is that I can cook an amazing dinner and knit you a sweater (both underrated skills which are actually hard to do.)But since I physically and mentally can not be a slut; my choices are be a smart young lady and be doomed to be the Alpha Male in every relationship or a stupid, useless skank and be thought of as a girl. (Please don't say "Oh you don't want to date a guy that wants a skank." EVERY guy wants a slutty girl, ok.) I see the slutty girls out with guys that I think are decent and think, "How does SHE have a boyfriend? She's a worthless piece of crap and....a slut." I do not need a guy but it irritates me that these mindless chicks are the most sought after when the only thing they bring to the table is a couple of orifices! 50 years ago, I would have been the SH*T with all my ridiculous skills!
So, in response to my teacher I say, my thoughts on women's roles are complicated...I don't want to be a slut but I want an Alpha Male who can take charge and who let's it be OK that I can be a lady for more than a second.
Also, if you didn't get my Maude references, here's the theme to the TV show Maude.
If I'm doomed to be an Alpha, at least I'm most like Bea...especially since, like her, I can't help judging people with my face!
So... I LOVE the movie Tootsie. I don't know why but I love everything about that film. Even the cheesy 80's soft rock as performed by the very mellow, Stephen Bishop.
I want Tootsie to be my best friend, she is AWESOME!! She can do hair and make up and ask you deep questions randomly without making you feel uneasy. I find her voice the most comforting voice of all time, I hope God sounds like that. Yes, my heaven is full of drag queens and frosting, whatever at least it'll be a party! And I am a Taurus and we have a strong drag influence. Don't believe me, go ask Cher, Barbara or Bea. All Taurus and all have a definite link to drag, so I blame it on the stars.
I know she's really a dude, OK, I have seen the movie about a million time but I still think she's perfect for Les. And let's all face it, Dustin Hoffman is WAY more attractive as a lady than as himself. Hell, he's more attractive as Captain Hook!
Anyways, while looking on the Inter webs today I found this interesting interview about a behind the scenes Tootsie moment. It was like a Valentine's gift to myself. It's funny so I hope you enjoy it.
I have no gaydar, I have a cat named Mr.Bojangles, who is probably gay come to think of it, and I'm surrounded by stupid turds. So...like a big breasted Liz Lemon.
