If I were a Gay Man...

Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.

So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)

Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:

• Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
• Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
• The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
• Tootsie (duh.)
• Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
• The cast of Some Like It Hot.
• Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
• Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
• Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
• Annie and Daddy Warbucks
• Charles Nelson Reiley

I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.

"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.

And I'm going to be 40....SOMEDAY!

Drunken rock out. Clearly I'm doing my best Freddie Mercury.

So...'When Harry Met Sally' was on E! the other night. I've seen that movie about a kajillion times. I remember my parents referencing that movie to tell me men and women could never be friends. I'm fairly certain my Dad almost knew the spiel verbatim, like some kind of cautionary Gettysburg address or something.

I have always had more guy friends than girl, now the guys are just gay so the Harry/Sally thing turns into the Will/Grace thing, but I never worried about any of then actually liking me (the straight ones), but this scene in the movie has always stuck with me as a reminder.

I moved in with my guy (non-gay) best friend in college (For the sake of this blog, his name will be Harry). We were never single at the same time and I was totally certain there was nothing there because I asked him to Winter Formal in high school (as friends) and was shot down.

Yes I did have blonde hair at one point

As far as I was concerned we were like brother and sister since we were born 5 days apart, went to the same schools since we were 6 and when I was blond, looked similar. So, for three years we lived together and with each other's boyfriend or girlfriend at certain times. Neither one of our dates ever worried that we liked each other because they figured if something were to happen it would have by our early 20's.

Harry moved away and I still haven't found that replacement and it's been almost 2 years. Now, don't get me wrong, he's irreplaceable and I really miss Harry... a lot. But I am still looking for that straight buddy to pal around with, like I make you dinner and you fix crap for me and watch Old School and talk about random historical events and Back to the Future and not worry about him trying to do anything funny.

Now I have to worry about people asking me out to places I do not want to go to on dates and then expect something..physical. As if a $25 date means I have to put out....hookers make better money than that!!! I just want a freakin' friend. It's like THAT is harder to find than a date.

A good piece of advice from my crazy Grandma M is she told me to make sure I'm friends with who ever I end up with because once the love is gone you can at least like the person. So, shouldn't it all start out as friends?