Nazi Torture at 24 Hour Fitness

I want to wrap my lips around those bags of frosting.

So...I was at the gym tonight and the choices on the TVs were CNN (I can't watch anymore coverage of oily dead birds, it just makes me mad), ESPN (snore), Glenn Beck and TLC's "DC Cupcakes." I was listening to 30 Rock on my iPhone but couldn't help but read GB's Nazi turrets about how we're turning into Rome and other crazy nonsense. Then something caught my eye on the farthest TV, baked goods. TLC has a ba-zillion baking shows but this one was all about cupcakes.

Smith's Bakery in Bakersfield,CA. If God wanted a cake, he would go there.

I'm not a fan of cupcakes. Why? Cupcakes screw you out of frosting. Cakes are far superior because every side has frosting, cupcakes are lame town because only the top gets it. I don't want more cake,cake is just the support system for the frosting. I love frosting, it is my Achilles heel. Either way, watching these women pipe sweet globs of butter cream frosting out of huge pastry bags was like watching some kind of sick porn as I sweated it up on the elliptical. Almost like some horrible kind of medieval torture. Better yet, since Glenn Beck was on, more like a Nazi torture used at concentration camps.

I bet her cake was awesome.

After that I got to watch TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress." So, screw you who ever picked the TV channels at 24 Hour tonight. You successfully told me why I don't get to pick out super cool wedding dresses, it's because I love frosting too much. Which sucks because when you get married you get a human sized cake!!!! Which I wouldn't share with ANYONE!!

Now I will sit here, not eating cake but thinking about it. Thanks TLC, jerks.

Crazy Baby Voiced Whores

She would be wearing a pearl necklace.

So...I hate women with baby voices. This seems to be a modern trend for women to make their voices sound like a little girl's, I think it started with Marilyn Monroe's annoying breathy voice, which I would take any day over this current nonsense. It seems like they think that the baby voice gives them a "get out of jail free" card...literally. Look at stupid ass Paris Hilton. I hate her. She's been caught with weed TWICE in a month and doesn't get punished. (Yes I know she went to jail once, for half a second, she sure didn't learn her lesson did she?) Men love her because of that baby voice and because she's borderline mentally retarded so she'll let them do anything to her. Her perfume smells like what a candy fart would smell like, grossly sweet.

The ONLY person I know that wears this candy fart perfume ALSO has a baby voice and ALSO thinks she can get away with anything she wants because of it and ALSO is a crazy whore. I understand why the baby voice works on men, they think that girls with that voice are easy, which is true, but why does it work on women? Shouldn't we see through this BS? "Oh, she sounds like a 5 year old, she must be innocent." NO! If she's 24 and sounds like a 5 year old she must be mentally unhinged! I don't like being discriminated against for not having the voice of a stupid spoiled whore. I have the voice of a normal, logical person, thank God for that!

So, tip of the week: If you see a women that has this problem don't think "what a sweetheart," think "that chick is a skank and has mental problem, I need to get as far away from her as possible."

The Most Interesting Kid In The World

If Charleston Heston and Ricardo Montalban had a love baby, it'd be this dude.

So...like any other night I was working, serving the masses and their hell babies when I started a new table. I told the kid the list of sodas and listed the beers for the dad when this 8 year old chubby little boy said, "I don't always drink beer but when I do, I drink Dos Equis." That kid is officially the coolest kid I've ever met. I died laughing because this 8 year old quoted one of the coolest beer commercials ever, and I don't even drink beer! Haven't seen 'em, here you go:

I thought that kid better keep being funny because he was a little chubster and being funny helps mask what's actually weird about you. Take it from me, the child giant.

No, I'm not 14 I'm in 5th freakin' grade!

After watching a bunch of comedy DVDs lately I have found that most funny people are funny because they are depressed or fat or depressed because they are fat...which doesn't explain why the majority of them turn to hard drugs, that's just stupid. Maybe I'm funny because I was a tall chubby kid, I don't really care, I just want to make money off it!

Rock on funny chubby kids, you're 100% cooler than the jocks and sluts. Trust me.

Brain Turd

Me.

So...do bad things come in threes or is it only celebrity deaths? I hope, for my sake, that it's both because I feel like the rabbit that got it's foot chopped off, unlucky! In less than 2 weeks I've had MAJOR roommate crap to deal with, my writing class (the most enjoyable thing I've got going for myself right now) was postponed and I got rear ended going to work. BLERGH!!! I know everything happens for a reason but does it all have to happen at once?! I hope Karma is real because I should be getting something better than a free cookie back!


I love dishing out a good insult. Not something simple, a good insult is an art and not everyone can do it. This montage is how I feel about one of my crappy situations. It is a masterpiece.

I did go see 'Get Him To The Greek.' I had watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' (Get Him To The Greek is kind of a sequel to that movie)which I thought was okay, but the Greek movie was surprisingly funny. All the main characters were really good and I laughed a lot, which I needed. Toy Story 3 is still my pick for the summer full of underwhelming movies.

This July Fourth at 'The Happiest Place in Hell' almost turned me into a full blown racist, almost. I had about 10 separate LARGE parties of middle eastern people and their devil spawn. I don't think I've met any bossier children than these middle eastern kids. A**HOLES! Someone needs to civilize them and teach them some manners because they are atrocious. Getting bossed around by them on MY COUNTRY'S holiday was ironic and pissed me off. I was yelling horrible things in the back when I refilled their bread basket SIX times. I am exhausted and didn't even get a hot dog, damn it!

This entry is titled Brain Turd because it's very random, as if my brain took a turd.

Everyone's a Critic 3.0

So... I went to see Toy Story 3 the other day with my little brother and my friend Heather. We went at noon and there were a few kids but more adults. ALL the adults were ROLLING!! It was a hysterical movie, jokes about outlaws welcome past the border, Mr. Potato Head (Mr. Warmth himself, Don Rickles who I adore!!) stealing money...of course they have the Jew take the money!! It was great, but it is a Pixar movie so they try to make you tear up. Honestly, best new movie I've seen all year.

The plot revolves around Andy growing up and what is he going to do with his old toys. The movie basically made me feel bad about giving away toys. I still have my big box of Barbies that aren't going anywhere any time soon now! My first Barbie I got when I was 2 after waking up from a nap. This is the ad for her.

She was AWESOME! While watching the movie it made me miss playing. Growing up sucks for a BUNCH of reasons and people that play with toys in adulthood are normally geeks who live in their Mom's basement, so I don't think I'll start it up again! I also love the smell of new plastic, you know, the way a brand new toy smells on Christmas...ahhhh, it's wonderful. Watching the movie made me realize why my parents, well mostly my Dad, played with my toys before I woke up on Christmas.

Speaking of Barbies they are making a Sugar Daddy Barbie, who looks...super FABBBULOUSS!!!!

They didn't make Ken gay in the movie, but he was very flamboyant. Honestly, he was the best character, hilarious.

The Sugar Daddy Ken reminds of a hilarious character a guy from Second City created called, Sassy Gay Friend...it makes me laugh, enjoy.

Right on, Maude! Not so fast...

Yes, you should open my door, thank you Don Draper!!

So...yesterday in my writing class I wrote a sketch about a Disney-esque Princess who meets a feminist and she doesn't understand women who just want to take care of Prince Charming. My teacher told me that I write about women's roles a lot. I was not aware that I did, but alright. I think he was under the impression that I was a staunch feminist. Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter and then there's...me? Nope. I told him how great it would be if all I had to worry about was looking cute, cooking and cleaning, I'm already great at all 3 of those things. I think that shocked him a bit and now, upon further inspection, I found my thoughts on this are not so black and white. 

I believe that I snapped to my former statement because it's the polar opposite of everything that I'm so tired of. I am sick of paying for dates(or going Dutch, screw the Dutch, what did they ever do?!), opening my own door, making reservations, being ridiculously thoughtful, remembering almost everything, making more money than my date, fixing crap and especially being the most assertive...I'm sick of being the Alpha Male! I never get to be the lady, no matter how fancy the dress or how high the heels I will still dominate. I feel like I'm waiting for another Alpha Male(an actual male) to challenge me, lose and then, finally I can be uber feminine. 

On the flip side, I also find it DISGUSTING when I talk to friends who can't do anything without responding, "let me ask my boyfriend." WHAT? You aren't married, so do whatever the hell you want! (Plus, he's a douche.)  I can't handle all the checking in crap and constant texts and stupid ass nicknames. It makes me want to sit on a knife!

Also,I don't think I can "have it all." Meaning a house, career, social life, keep it all looking "tight", chores and a husband. (I would only want that if I was wealthy and could get some help.) I see women who "have it all" every day at work and I am here to tell you, they look tired as hell! Not only do they look horrible, but their husbands are useless. They can't order for the kids, or know how to fold up a stroller. Sweet Jesus, grow a pair, be assertive, and make a decision!

Women have to do everything, including be a man and I don't want to be a man anymore!! It seems like the only road to being thought of as a girl is to be a mindless slut. What annoys me to no end is that I can cook an amazing dinner and knit you a sweater (both underrated skills which are actually hard to do.)But since I physically and mentally can not be a slut; my choices are be a smart young lady and be doomed to be the Alpha Male in every relationship or a stupid, useless skank and be thought of as a girl. (Please don't say "Oh you don't want to date a guy that wants a skank." EVERY guy wants a slutty girl, ok.) I see the slutty girls out with guys that I think are decent and think, "How does SHE have a boyfriend? She's a worthless piece of crap and....a slut." I do not need a guy but it irritates me that these mindless chicks are the most sought after when the only thing they bring to the table is a couple of orifices! 50 years ago, I would have been the SH*T with all my ridiculous skills!

So, in response to my teacher I say, my thoughts on women's roles are complicated...I don't want to be a slut but I want an Alpha Male who can take charge and  who let's it be OK that I can be a lady for more than a second.

Also, if you didn't get my Maude references, here's the theme to the TV show Maude.

If I'm doomed to be an Alpha, at least I'm most like Bea...especially since, like her, I can't help judging people with my face!

Don't Send A Boy To Do A Man's Job

So...I'm going to start this off by saying my Mother is not going to like reading any of this. Sorry.

Last week in my writing class one of my friends asked if I'm a "gold digger" because of the age of some of the guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I am not. I've also been accused of being very high maintenance. Really? I have never asked a guy for anything I couldn't get for myself. That accusation was made by all the younger guys I've dated. I don't think that paying for my meal on a date is really that high maintenance...and neither do older dudes!

I do understand why my girlfriends (and my Mom) think it is weird that I like the older man. For me, teaching a 20 something about manners, movies, music, literature and basic hygiene is not fun anymore. (Is needing all of those things in a man considered high maintenance?) I've done it more than once and the novelty is gone. "Oh but there are boys your age that like the same things as you." Oh yea? I just spent almost a grand at a film festival for "people like me" and I will tell you, no there are not. But there are a lot of 40 and 50 year olds that do! I would rather learn something from someone than have to consistently tell someone what old movie 'Family Guy' is referencing and why it's funny. Older men have better taste in most things and, like me, enjoy napping. And, older guys like imparting their wisdom/advice, it makes them feel important. When a 24 year old tries to do that, it's a freakin' joke.

I went out for my friend Heather's birthday last night and a guy there was asking me what kind of guys I'm into because I was not into the douchebaggery that was at this bar. (Please note that his girlfriend was with him so I think it was just conversation.) I told him older men and he said, "Oh, like Tom Selleck." Then I threw up in my mouth.

Not because I think Tom Selleck is gross, I think he's gross because my Mom thinks he's super hot, so that's NOT hot.

Stop looking at me Tom, you're not my kind of hairy.

Alright. Now everyone's uncomfortable, except for me!

I found a very good theme song for this post, sung by a Mr. Tom Jones. I was never into him, mostly because he was like the Patron Saint of Carlton from 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air,' so I thought he was kinda geeky. I was wrong. He was sort of hot back in the day and his voice is all gravely, just how I like it.

 Awwww yeah!

I like that he says "Holy Schmoly." Hilarious