On The Sunny Side Of The Street

Although I can't have any chocolate, this was all the sugar I needed this V-Day.

So... I spent Valentine's Day with Alec Baldwin. You can stop braggin' about your assorted box of Russell Stovers chocolate and romantic dinner at Olive Garden, and KNOW my day stomped yours. Bright and early on Valentine's Day morning, I got up and drove into Hollywood to see Alec Baldwin received his star on the Walk of Fame. Heather came with me and we stopped at Starbucks before hand. I needed the boost, with my porcelain skin and aversion to any time of day ending with A.M., I already draw too many similarities to a vampire. The girl in front of us ordered $25 worth of coffee in between texting. I wanted to smack the back of her head, I had places to be, skank!

TIP: THIS is NOT the person to crowd in front of.

We got to Hollywood an hour before the ceremony, and there was already a butt load of people, but I got a good spot. The girl in front of me left to go find a bathroom and a few minutes later I heard, "Excuse me." A girl, NOT the same one, pushed in front of me. Oh hell to the no. I'm a rule follower, and you can NOT just say excuse me and crowd your way to the front, not when it involves me getting out of bed early AND Alec Baldwin. I saw her gross ass bedhead hair that hadn't been brushed for days, all oily & dandruffy, basically a walking Head and Shoulders ad. She was wearing high heels and rolled up jeans...I knew she was a stupid skank. I looked at the girl next to me, I saw that she was also frustrated. Since I was bigger, I pushed right up against skank-a-saurus Rex , breathing down her gross neck, making it super uncomfortable to be there. "Woooow, you've got to be effing kidding me,"  I said to the back of her flaky head. She stood there for a few more seconds, then left. She tried to get into the press area, but she was neither a member of the press, nor hot enough to enter. That's the brakes! She came back to my area and I stood close to my new rule following friend and didn't let her squeak in. "Uh, some people," she said. "Screw yourself," I replied, I'm pretty sure she did, she's a skank, they can't help themselves.

Shampoo is for closers.

I noticed the same homeless dude that was at Mel Brook's ceremony was at this one, thankfully it was not a hot day so the trash bag he utilizes as a purse didn't smell as bad. The press really started coming in and the guy in the photo below looked a lot like Huey Lewis, I wondered where 'The News' was. (That guy is actually Jerry Penacoli from Extra!)

Oh, whoa, workin' for a livin'.

The event started. Johnny Grant isn't the mayor anymore, so the new guy got things rolling. A few stars were there; Jack McBrayer (Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock), Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from 'Parks & Rec" and Megan Mullally's husband), Stephen Baldwin (proving that everyone has a goober little brother) and Anne Heche (who cares?!) &  Megan Mullally spoke. She is very funny and wrote a great speech. Billy Baldwin was supposed to speak but was sick, so another schmuck talked, then Alec got up and excepted his star.

He was very gracious, the speech was funny but he thanked a bunch of industry people that no one knew. (Why do people do that? If your agent got you a gig, you don't have to thank him ---you already PAID him, he did his job, what he was paid to do. Oh well, he's just a nice guy.)

I don't know what that guy was yappin' about, neither does Alec. 

"I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can."- Jack Donaghy

After he did interviews (with NBC only reporters) he came over to us peasants. What sucks about stuff like this is there's always a bunch of douche b's that want to get crap signed so they can sell it on eBay. I effin' hate them and they were there in force.

A: Always, B: Be, C: Charming

Always Be Charming

It was a fun way to spend Valentine's Day, but I had to drive back and go to work. After an awesome day, a little kid in a wheel chair snapped my happy ass back down to reality and told me I looked like Miley Cyrus. I took it as a compliment since he was a kid and had no way of knowing she's actually a gangling weirdo. Then his Mom chimed in and said I must get that all the time. Thank you life,even though you gave me lemons to make lemonade with, you always make sure to squirt a little juice in my eye, just to keep it real!

Educate Yo' Self: Song my blog title is referencing

S.A.G.S and TITS

I'm 100% sure I have a photo with the same facial expressions with my best friend. If Fey and Poehler are anything like Cassie and me, they can only be noticing one thing, someone farted.

So...after the world's most uneventful shift, I watched the SAG Awards tonight and I will say, award shows are AWESOME with a DVR. And, for an award show ONLY for actors, not a lot of them can read cue cards super great. For some reason during the red carpet interviews, the majority of them were snoozeburgers. You're wearing  $100,000 of diamonds on your chest and get to drink all the free booze you want, I'd be super stoked!

Every one's fascination with Natalie Portman---I just, why? She's knock-up by her boyfriend who's a ballerina...Judy Garland had a kid with a gay guy too, big whoop! I read a quote from her while she was promoting her dump-tastic rom-com and these were her feelings on the romantic comedy genre, "They always want to get married at the end. There’s some kind of makeover scene. That stuff offends me." Well, Nat, there actually are movies about a hot girl who sleeps around, they're called porn and THAT is a more reasonable thing to be offended by, hippie.

Not to paint myself as a complete prude, let's talk about mammalia.

Tits, Ba zooms, Fun Bags, Medicine Balls, Pechangas, Nay-Nays---my world, welcome to it.

I also found out that NO ONE knows when 'Mad Men' will be coming back. This news seriously screwed my impending summer romance with my TV sideways because 'Mad Men' comes in and fills the cold, sad void of no new '30 Rock.' And on top of that news, my girl, Christina Hendrick's looked cute but the dress was super boring. (I have only recently purchased by first LBD, black is boring---I look better in technicolor!) AND, her husband was annoying and talked WAY too much on the red carpet interviews. Shut your yap and thank your lucky stars that you get to go home and sleep next to that.

Christina is all about her bazooms and that dress didn't really show them off. Since, I too, am in the Big Titty Committee, I think that you'd better show 'em off while they're nice, because some day they'll be like that song lyric, "Can you throw them o'er your shoulder/Like a Continental Soldier?"

Sophia Vergara ('Modern Family') knows what I'm talking about and I LOVED her dress. I would rock that dress if I ever went anywhere awesome. 

I Want To Go To There.



Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Comedy. Thank God, because Big Bang Theory is a Hindenburg of a show. I don't know how that nerdy dude won at the Golden Globes and Emmys instead of my precious Daddy Bear.

On a completely random note, I love the photos of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They remind me of Cassie and me being total goobs and I'm happy to know that I can continue being a dork for a few more decades!

Don't Send A Boy To Do A Man's Job

So...I'm going to start this off by saying my Mother is not going to like reading any of this. Sorry.

Last week in my writing class one of my friends asked if I'm a "gold digger" because of the age of some of the guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I am not. I've also been accused of being very high maintenance. Really? I have never asked a guy for anything I couldn't get for myself. That accusation was made by all the younger guys I've dated. I don't think that paying for my meal on a date is really that high maintenance...and neither do older dudes!

I do understand why my girlfriends (and my Mom) think it is weird that I like the older man. For me, teaching a 20 something about manners, movies, music, literature and basic hygiene is not fun anymore. (Is needing all of those things in a man considered high maintenance?) I've done it more than once and the novelty is gone. "Oh but there are boys your age that like the same things as you." Oh yea? I just spent almost a grand at a film festival for "people like me" and I will tell you, no there are not. But there are a lot of 40 and 50 year olds that do! I would rather learn something from someone than have to consistently tell someone what old movie 'Family Guy' is referencing and why it's funny. Older men have better taste in most things and, like me, enjoy napping. And, older guys like imparting their wisdom/advice, it makes them feel important. When a 24 year old tries to do that, it's a freakin' joke.

I went out for my friend Heather's birthday last night and a guy there was asking me what kind of guys I'm into because I was not into the douchebaggery that was at this bar. (Please note that his girlfriend was with him so I think it was just conversation.) I told him older men and he said, "Oh, like Tom Selleck." Then I threw up in my mouth.

Not because I think Tom Selleck is gross, I think he's gross because my Mom thinks he's super hot, so that's NOT hot.

Stop looking at me Tom, you're not my kind of hairy.

Alright. Now everyone's uncomfortable, except for me!

I found a very good theme song for this post, sung by a Mr. Tom Jones. I was never into him, mostly because he was like the Patron Saint of Carlton from 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air,' so I thought he was kinda geeky. I was wrong. He was sort of hot back in the day and his voice is all gravely, just how I like it.

 Awwww yeah!

I like that he says "Holy Schmoly." Hilarious