Grays Sports Almanac

"When God closes a door, he opens a dress." -Roger Sterling

So...Mad Men is back and I finally have something to look forward to. Yes, I'm so awesome that the best thing in my week is a TV show. Jealous? This show is fantastic but it also really upsets me because I wish I could have live then. I know that's a nerdy thing, saying you belong in another time but my "time" actually existed. It's not like I think I belong on Endor or middle Earth from Lord of The Rings...come on,I'm not that weird! I just want to wear awesome clothes 24/7.

Do you think that Don Draper would have predicted the way the world has changed since 1964? I know most people think the world has changed for the better, but clearly, I'm not one of those people. I think if Don Draper came to 2010 he would feel exactly like how Marty McFly felt when he went to the alternate 1985 in Back To The Future II.

"That's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship." -Biff Tannen

Today is horrible! It's like waking up to your Mom having huge plastic tits that your step-dad who also murdered your father made her get, nightmare!!You can't drink at work, I for one think everyone's job would be a lot better if you could have a drink. No one dresses up. Not for church, not for the red carpet (except award season) and not for dates. LAME! I look horrible in jeans and a t-shirt but in a nice fitted dress, A-mazing! My body was not build for these crap clothes, but I'm sure I could rock a bullet bra. Hair dos were like art! Now girls have that two toned, skunky hair, they might as well just tattoo SLUT on their face. Or you could wear a super stylish hat! No one wears hat anymore. Now most guys look "metro" (gay) or just sloppy. All men look better in suit. Women are trying to be a man and a woman at the same time and men treat women like crap, they are just plain rude. At least in the 60's they were polite about it. Don't get me started on the music. Let's see, who's music will last; Sinatra or Lil' Wayne? Ughh.

Where's Doc Brown? We've got to go back Marty!!

"And no one will tell you this, but you can’t be a man. Don’t even try. Be a woman. Powerful business when done correctly. Do you understand what I’m saying, dear?"- Bobbie Barret, Season Two.

Right on, Maude! Not so fast...

Yes, you should open my door, thank you Don Draper!!

So...yesterday in my writing class I wrote a sketch about a Disney-esque Princess who meets a feminist and she doesn't understand women who just want to take care of Prince Charming. My teacher told me that I write about women's roles a lot. I was not aware that I did, but alright. I think he was under the impression that I was a staunch feminist. Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter and then there's...me? Nope. I told him how great it would be if all I had to worry about was looking cute, cooking and cleaning, I'm already great at all 3 of those things. I think that shocked him a bit and now, upon further inspection, I found my thoughts on this are not so black and white. 

I believe that I snapped to my former statement because it's the polar opposite of everything that I'm so tired of. I am sick of paying for dates(or going Dutch, screw the Dutch, what did they ever do?!), opening my own door, making reservations, being ridiculously thoughtful, remembering almost everything, making more money than my date, fixing crap and especially being the most assertive...I'm sick of being the Alpha Male! I never get to be the lady, no matter how fancy the dress or how high the heels I will still dominate. I feel like I'm waiting for another Alpha Male(an actual male) to challenge me, lose and then, finally I can be uber feminine. 

On the flip side, I also find it DISGUSTING when I talk to friends who can't do anything without responding, "let me ask my boyfriend." WHAT? You aren't married, so do whatever the hell you want! (Plus, he's a douche.)  I can't handle all the checking in crap and constant texts and stupid ass nicknames. It makes me want to sit on a knife!

Also,I don't think I can "have it all." Meaning a house, career, social life, keep it all looking "tight", chores and a husband. (I would only want that if I was wealthy and could get some help.) I see women who "have it all" every day at work and I am here to tell you, they look tired as hell! Not only do they look horrible, but their husbands are useless. They can't order for the kids, or know how to fold up a stroller. Sweet Jesus, grow a pair, be assertive, and make a decision!

Women have to do everything, including be a man and I don't want to be a man anymore!! It seems like the only road to being thought of as a girl is to be a mindless slut. What annoys me to no end is that I can cook an amazing dinner and knit you a sweater (both underrated skills which are actually hard to do.)But since I physically and mentally can not be a slut; my choices are be a smart young lady and be doomed to be the Alpha Male in every relationship or a stupid, useless skank and be thought of as a girl. (Please don't say "Oh you don't want to date a guy that wants a skank." EVERY guy wants a slutty girl, ok.) I see the slutty girls out with guys that I think are decent and think, "How does SHE have a boyfriend? She's a worthless piece of crap and....a slut." I do not need a guy but it irritates me that these mindless chicks are the most sought after when the only thing they bring to the table is a couple of orifices! 50 years ago, I would have been the SH*T with all my ridiculous skills!

So, in response to my teacher I say, my thoughts on women's roles are complicated...I don't want to be a slut but I want an Alpha Male who can take charge and  who let's it be OK that I can be a lady for more than a second.

Also, if you didn't get my Maude references, here's the theme to the TV show Maude.

If I'm doomed to be an Alpha, at least I'm most like Bea...especially since, like her, I can't help judging people with my face!