Prince Charming is Gay

Nothing says 'I'm an adult ready for marriage' like cartoon animals.

So...I witnessed, what I consider to be the most ridiculous wedding reception of my life last weekend at work. The theme was the movie 'Lady and the Tramp.' I'll let you think about that for a minute. The bride to be reminded me of my ex-roommate because she had the annoying baby voice and LOVED glitter. She wore what looked like a slutty Glenda the Good Witch dress that Tinkerbell had farted glitter all over. And no one bothered to tell her that the tulle was see through, which was a fun added bonus for the guys working that night. She was a total bridezilla and looked to be maybe 21...maybe. I know that she had one of the Disney themed wedding packages.

Nothing says I'm a mature adult prepared to make a serious life commitment like an animated  fairytale. I know the girls that do this are totally immature little twits who clearly have some deep seeded childhood issues to deal with. To me you shouldn't be able to get your wedding stuff in the same isle of Party City that 5 year old's get their cheap-o birthday knick-knacks.

Straight guys don't keep lost high heels.

Next annoyance, Prince Charming. I'm not 6 years old anymore, Prince Charming is as real as the Tooth Fairy...actually they have a lot in common, they are both big fairies! Don't believe me? Prince Charming loved shoes way too much for a straight dude.

Silence is Golden?

The Disney Princes that weren't light in their tights were pretty weird too. Prince Charming(Snow White): Necrophiliac, Prince Phillip: Samesies, The Beast: Stockholm Syndrome, Prince Eric: Women have nothing important to say. See.. I'm good with out any of that nonsense to deal with in a man.

I know, 'to each her own,' but the Princess themed wedding is stupid and a waste of money. If I ever have to go to a themed wedding for one of my friends I will be eating an entire layer of your cake to punish you for being an idiot, so please factor that into your budget.

You have been warned.

Nazi Torture at 24 Hour Fitness

I want to wrap my lips around those bags of frosting.

So...I was at the gym tonight and the choices on the TVs were CNN (I can't watch anymore coverage of oily dead birds, it just makes me mad), ESPN (snore), Glenn Beck and TLC's "DC Cupcakes." I was listening to 30 Rock on my iPhone but couldn't help but read GB's Nazi turrets about how we're turning into Rome and other crazy nonsense. Then something caught my eye on the farthest TV, baked goods. TLC has a ba-zillion baking shows but this one was all about cupcakes.

Smith's Bakery in Bakersfield,CA. If God wanted a cake, he would go there.

I'm not a fan of cupcakes. Why? Cupcakes screw you out of frosting. Cakes are far superior because every side has frosting, cupcakes are lame town because only the top gets it. I don't want more cake,cake is just the support system for the frosting. I love frosting, it is my Achilles heel. Either way, watching these women pipe sweet globs of butter cream frosting out of huge pastry bags was like watching some kind of sick porn as I sweated it up on the elliptical. Almost like some horrible kind of medieval torture. Better yet, since Glenn Beck was on, more like a Nazi torture used at concentration camps.

I bet her cake was awesome.

After that I got to watch TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress." So, screw you who ever picked the TV channels at 24 Hour tonight. You successfully told me why I don't get to pick out super cool wedding dresses, it's because I love frosting too much. Which sucks because when you get married you get a human sized cake!!!! Which I wouldn't share with ANYONE!!

Now I will sit here, not eating cake but thinking about it. Thanks TLC, jerks.