The Whore Truth and Nothing But

Sing me a sweet song of justice Jerry Orbach.

So...today I got to let my eyebrows do their best Jack McCoy because I was in court. Oh yea, it was a blasty blast. I was suing my crazy ex-roommate. Before the proceedings begin you are suppose to show the other side your evidence. I walked into the hall to do this and she walked up to the bailiff and told him she just can't talk to me because we don't get along. He said, "No one here gets along, that's why you're here, you have to do this." Thank God, one logical person.

She sent her weirdo boyfriend over to give me her evidence, which read more like a work of fiction. I was shocked at how many lies could fit onto one piece of paper. It was like the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials. One lie. Ta-hoo hoo....crunch!! Yes the center is full of chewy craziness. I went up to tell her about one more piece of truth that I had in my stack and she would not even look at me. What a mature adult, right? So I told Von Doucherton what I needed to say, it was nothing vicious at all,and she quickly whizzed around the corner and came back all teary eyed. What. The. Hell.

COO COO!

Of course my case was not the first one called. The majority of the cases were by Mexicans who needed translators and all had beefs with their mechanics. Note to self: no Mexican mechanics, yikes! As this is going on my gut to churning up a storm and all I'm thinking is, ' Please God do not let me unleash this unruly beast when I go up to present.' I didn't, thankfully.

I had to speak first and I kept it brief and truthful. Then it was crazy's turn and here comes all the Jerry Springer-esque business that had nothing to do with the case and a bunch of fakakta lies. If she were to look over to see my reaction, it was a whole lot of THIS:

Bitch, please.

I did get to call her out on her lies in the court, which was nice. The judge, unfortunately didn't make a decision this afternoon, he would mail the decision to me in a few days. I left feeling a little disappointed and shocked at her total disregard to the whole you have to tell the truth in court thing. I just hope this doesn't end like some of the Law and Orders do. You know the ones, where you know Jack McCoy is going to put the murderer away but he gets off anyways then kills a room full of babies.

Jack McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil.

                                Jamie Ross: Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.

All Jerry Orbach cares about is love...of JUSTICE!

Crazy Baby Voiced Whores

She would be wearing a pearl necklace.

So...I hate women with baby voices. This seems to be a modern trend for women to make their voices sound like a little girl's, I think it started with Marilyn Monroe's annoying breathy voice, which I would take any day over this current nonsense. It seems like they think that the baby voice gives them a "get out of jail free" card...literally. Look at stupid ass Paris Hilton. I hate her. She's been caught with weed TWICE in a month and doesn't get punished. (Yes I know she went to jail once, for half a second, she sure didn't learn her lesson did she?) Men love her because of that baby voice and because she's borderline mentally retarded so she'll let them do anything to her. Her perfume smells like what a candy fart would smell like, grossly sweet.

The ONLY person I know that wears this candy fart perfume ALSO has a baby voice and ALSO thinks she can get away with anything she wants because of it and ALSO is a crazy whore. I understand why the baby voice works on men, they think that girls with that voice are easy, which is true, but why does it work on women? Shouldn't we see through this BS? "Oh, she sounds like a 5 year old, she must be innocent." NO! If she's 24 and sounds like a 5 year old she must be mentally unhinged! I don't like being discriminated against for not having the voice of a stupid spoiled whore. I have the voice of a normal, logical person, thank God for that!

So, tip of the week: If you see a women that has this problem don't think "what a sweetheart," think "that chick is a skank and has mental problem, I need to get as far away from her as possible."

Brain Turd

Me.

So...do bad things come in threes or is it only celebrity deaths? I hope, for my sake, that it's both because I feel like the rabbit that got it's foot chopped off, unlucky! In less than 2 weeks I've had MAJOR roommate crap to deal with, my writing class (the most enjoyable thing I've got going for myself right now) was postponed and I got rear ended going to work. BLERGH!!! I know everything happens for a reason but does it all have to happen at once?! I hope Karma is real because I should be getting something better than a free cookie back!


I love dishing out a good insult. Not something simple, a good insult is an art and not everyone can do it. This montage is how I feel about one of my crappy situations. It is a masterpiece.

I did go see 'Get Him To The Greek.' I had watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' (Get Him To The Greek is kind of a sequel to that movie)which I thought was okay, but the Greek movie was surprisingly funny. All the main characters were really good and I laughed a lot, which I needed. Toy Story 3 is still my pick for the summer full of underwhelming movies.

This July Fourth at 'The Happiest Place in Hell' almost turned me into a full blown racist, almost. I had about 10 separate LARGE parties of middle eastern people and their devil spawn. I don't think I've met any bossier children than these middle eastern kids. A**HOLES! Someone needs to civilize them and teach them some manners because they are atrocious. Getting bossed around by them on MY COUNTRY'S holiday was ironic and pissed me off. I was yelling horrible things in the back when I refilled their bread basket SIX times. I am exhausted and didn't even get a hot dog, damn it!

This entry is titled Brain Turd because it's very random, as if my brain took a turd.

She's a my birthday too!!

So...I had my birthday which, up until the day of had been perfect. But God knew nothing can be perfect for me, not yet at least. I woke up to find out that my car needed to go into the shop and $600 later it was fixed. UGH, thanks God!! The day before I had gone to Bakersfield to visit family. I went to visit my Grandma in Wasco and had a really nice "dinner" served promptly at noon followed by "million dollar cake." It was all very good and the visit was great because I got to tell her all about the TCM Festival.

I had Smith's frosting cake with Mom, Dad, Uncle David, Allen and Granny later that night. And I also got to find out that both of my grandmothers have a thing for James Mason's voice...I don't think I cared to know that.

I drove home, woke up wanting to go run errands and found out, nope, I get to go to Ford. Blah. Tasha and I still went to Mastro's for a really nice birthday dinner in Newport. She'd never been and I think she liked it, I of course, loved it.

Super cute photo of Tasha (Or as my Scottish Granny calls her "Tinnie Bash.")

Their drinks are fabulous. Tasha had wine. I'll take her word that it was good since I'm not a wine-o.

I had my favorite, a Lemon Drop with dry ice. The smokey affect is impressive when it's served.

I had a KC Rib Eye, a very fine choice of meat I will say. It was like butta. Tasha had the fillet mignon and we shared the gorgonzola mac and cheese and 1lb baked potato...I had never seen one so big!! Fantastic dinner and I was very happy to go out with a great friend and get dressed up for a fancy-schmancy dinner. I ended the evening watching 'It's Complicated' like the 80 year old woman I really am.

That Friday night Cassie came down to visit, which almost never happens so it was a big deal. We went to the Getty Saturday afternoon to see the DaVinci exhibit which was...annoying. Since I never have Saturdays off I forgot that the masses go out then and I hate being with the masses and their devil children. There were WAY too many strollers at the Getty. Children, especially those that are messy and can't walk well should NOT be anywhere near FINE art. Stay home. The exhibit itself was mainly sketches which needed to be viewed through magnifying glasses, and with all the people crammed into those rooms, it just wasn't great. Thank God there was more stuff to look at!!

I came across this painting of a Spanish woman. It was very vibrant and I was impressed with how HUGE it was...I'm a size queen.

This was a basin depicting Cleopatra's life. If you can see there are swords and sharp crap popping out everywhere, I would not be washing my face in this at all!!

This was a table which I found to be very creepy. I mean you're eating your dinner and you look down and there are all these faces smiling at you like they're saying, "Hey, thanks for the nice view."

Me and Mr. Bojangles a few lives ago.

Squinty!! It was super bright that day.

Me, "Harry" and Cassie

After almost a year and half of not seeing each other my "Harry" came and met us for Brazilian food at Fogo de Chao in Beverly Hills.  And do I know my friends or what because they both LOVED this place. Cassie said it was like having your best friends keep coming by the table to ask if you'd like some more meat. It really is like that, they have 16 different kinds of meat there and a great salad bar and a great bar (Thin Mint cookie shots!!!) It was great and ever the classy guy, Harry picked up the tab!! Now THAT was nice.

        

DONE SON!

Notice how Harry is the only one that looks blissful, while the girls are bordering on pain.

After dinner we all went back to my apartment and talk, talk, talked until 3 AM. It was a VERY good time and I really appreciated them driving down to see me because it's a 2.5 and 5 hours trip for them. YIKES! Over all a really awesome birthday and if you didn't get my reference, it is, yet again, an 'I Love Lucy' one. Educate yo' self!