Here we go again...

You thought you could argue me with about TR...HAHAHAH. Idiot.

So...I am the Batman of defending Teddy Roosevelt. If you thought I would only ever meet one person who would argue with me about Teddy Roosevelt, you'd be wrong.

There is a guy in my writing class who loves to argue, as do I,but apparently he doesn't know that when you argue you kinda need to have facts to back up your argument. The whole ordeal started while talking about JFK boning Marilyn Monroe. I said that he was a pig for cheating on his wife and I think he's an overrated President. (Both facts, by the way.)

Dude: All Presidents cheat on their wives, they're Presidents. And JFK was amazing, Bay of Pigs...?

Me: No they don't all cheat, TR didn't cheat. And how appropriate is it that, Bay of PIGS and JFK was a pig?? Hmmm.

Dude: TR totally cheated on this wife. That's what Presidents do.

Me: TR NEVER cheated on his wife. (Flipped him off) You're an idiot.

Dude: No he totally did. All Presidents do.

Me: Is it that hard for you to understand that not everyone is a total pig like you? (He shut up.)

...And if you ever talk bad about TR again, I'll punch you in the throat.

I would like to say, that one, I'm right, there is NO evidence that TR ever cheated and two, that guy does not know how to argue.

Moral of the story: you better bring your A game when you talk to me about Teddy Roosevelt, or I'll bust out a big stick on your face!

T.F.D STATUS

FANCY

So... I went to the Re-opening of Second City Hollywood today with Heather. It was a long but super fun day. We saw two shows, the first being The Sassy Gay Friend Show. If you don't know who that is, educate yo' sef.

It is a fantastic show and everyone should see it. Seriously, it's $10, it's fun and you could even be in the show...just like ME!! That's right, I went on stage and Sassy called my friend Cassie (non-intentional rhyme-age)and gave her some funny relationship advice. Brian Gallivan is the guy that is in the show, he is hilarious and told me he would love to see me on a night time soap opera...I'll take that as an awesomely gay compliment!

One tall drink of water.

 Brian Gallivan and I after his hilarious show.

(By the way, I have 5 inch heels on in this photo too!)

The next show we were going to see didn't start until 7PM, so we had some time to hang out in the lounge and have some snacks. Unfortunately for me, the only drinks were beer and wine...not really my thing. So I had white wine on the rocks, a la my Grandma.

As we were chatting, Brian came over and introduced me to a dude, Terrance, Trent, Templeton, hell, I don't know what his name was. Anyway, he knew I was single and was trying to do me a solid...T-bag was nice, but not for me. Thanks for trying Boo.

I also saw Tina VanVleet, who was in the Miss Lady USA improv show with me and is perfection. I had seen her perform before I was in the show with her and she had always stuck out in my mind as one of the funniest people I'd seen on that stage. She commented on how awesome I looked...not being dressed up like a Grandma does wonders for me, I know! (She's also in a show called THUNDERDOME on Friday nights...since you'll already be there seeing Sassy, you need to see this chick to. I insist upon it.)

Heather, lounging in the lounge.

We saw the Farley Brother's podcast (you can listen to it on iTunes, I believe. And I don't know how to do a link to iTunes, so if you really give a crap, you can figure it out. I'm not the Geek Squad over here.) They were funny and Lex Luthor from Smallville was there and some cute but not funny Aussie chick was there and eventually David Spade's late ass showed up.

We stayed around to see if we could get into another show. So we kept my girl Sasha company, as she was the bouncer for the VIP lounge. Do not mess with her, she does not mess around! Sasha is in my writing class with me and rains down judgment upon people with her facial expressions. They go a little something like this:

DENIED

That poor thing had to be there from 9AM to midnight. Damn. She did crack Heather up with all of her stories about weird people she has to put in their places on a daily basis. (Another rhyme...what the hell?)

ADORABLE

We went back into the lounge and I was chatting with some dude I know from Second City who is nice but NOT cute and Brian comes up behind the guy and gives me the OK sign and a wink. I made sure to sock him in the arm when he past me a few minutes later. We didn't get into the show but I did get to tell Brian that although it has been a while since I've been on a date (more than a while, but that's a whole other blog!) I could do better than that hot mess he saw me talking to! Please!

Heather LOVES hot beef, can you tell?

The show was sold out, so we went down to 25 Degrees for yummy hamburgers. We hadn't had a meal all day, so it was awesome. She was amazed at all the slutty girls that were going to the clubs. I kid you not, she loudly commented on all the whores that were out and about, which as a small town girl, I was sure she was going to get us stabbed. She was amazed at how skanky they were until I told her, "Heather, they know they are slutty, they planned this, they're out trollin' for d!ck."  We have now compromised and call them TFD status, I feel safer that way.

UPDATE 10/4/10: Here are photos of me on stage. I snagged them off Second City's FB page.

Some DON'T Like It Hot

So...it was 113 in LA today and what did I decide to do? Walk around in it! I know, I'm a genius. Heather and I went into Burbank for some vintage shopping at Playclothes. I could have stayed there ALL day because they have a ton of coolness there. The first thing that I was drawn to were all their awesome hats. Here's a mini fashion show....think of fashion show music while you look at these.

It looks like Joan Crawford died on my head.

Smile and say awkward! I loved both of these items.

Very British.

I love hats and would have loved to have bought a few (mostly the fuchsia one) but no one wears hats anymore!! The sales lady tried to get me to buy it but, where am I going to wear a hat? Target? My writing class? I think not.

Nothing says lets try on FUR COATS like 113 degrees!

I do LOVE this coat, but it was $225. Maybe another time...like when I moved somewhere that actually has coat weather!

I ended up getting a cute little apron for myself...yes I wear aprons. Jealous?

We walked down the street to look at other vintage shops and the 2 block walk felt like Satan's minions were heating up the pavement just for us. And maybe they were because this is what we found.

May this haunt your nightmares!

 We then drove over to Glendale to have Armenian food. I'd never had it before but I was game to try it, so we ate at Raffi's Place. It was really good. Armenian food is basically kabobs, you can't go wrong. 

We had humus, yogurt, and pita bread to start.

We shared a chicken kabob with pilaf and BBQ-ed tomato. Heather clearly wanted me to hurry up and take the photo so we could eat.

And we finished with an orange and lemon sorbet. Very refreshing in the heat.

We wanted to NOT get stuck in traffic so we went over to check out the Halloween store and Borders instead of sitting in rush hour. I have zero plans for Halloween so far and if I end up doing anything I will make my own costume and not buy one at the costume store. All the little girl costumes seemed to be like sluts in training gear. Whatever happened to weirdo little kid costumes like witches, cats, and scarecrows? The girls that were on the ads for these things looked they should come with the note: WARNING: If your daughter chooses this costume she'll be pregnant by 16...just like Mommy.

I did find a sweet cut out and forced Heather to snap one last photo of me. Over all, fun, yet hot day off.



Let Me Entertain You

Looking for Sea Otters in Cambria.

So...my writing class has started back up again, the first thing to break open the cocoon of hell that was this horrible summer. I couldn't wait to start up again because I needed something going on in my life that was fun.

After week two of class I was "volunteered" to be in an improv beauty pagent one day before it was to happen!! I have never acted or improved anything, but I figured 'oh well, I won't know anyone watching except for my writing friends, so who cares?' I got my two costumes; one gown and one leisure wear and I was set. I got to Second City and waited around with my Stage Mama,Sasha, until it was time to get ready. The Sassy Gay Friend Show was before the show I was in and it was sold out. So as that show is going on the girls in my show got changed backstage. Before long Brain Gallivan (Sassy Gay Friend) came back and took a look at all of us and points to me and says, "You're going to win this." See, gay men can not resist me, even when I'm in costume. Too bad I'm not that irresistable to straight men! All my writing friends came and even one of the new guys from our class came out, which was really nice.

 We go on in our gown looks:

Center Stage

(After my cat pooped on me during show and tell in second grade, nothing embarrasses me anymore...clearly.)

My leisure outfit was this sweet number:

Yes my talent, as choosen by the audience, was tap dancing...that was just dandy!

I didn't win, but that's ok because I'm surprised I even did it.  As I was changing an older dude came back  and talked to everyone and after he left I asked one of the girls who he was. Oh, just the owner of all the Second Cities. If I would have known he was in the audience, I would have been super nervous so thank God I had no clue!

With my old lady makeup still on, I drove to Bakersfield to go to Cambria with my Mom and Scottish Granny for her birthday. It's nice and foggy over there. We had lunch, went to the kniting shop for what  probably felt like an eternity to my Mom, who doesn't knit, and had a wee sweetie.

The next day I went out to Grandma's and got a whole bunch of old pictures, my GG's coffee table and an AWESOME cat ring. Baller Status!

So, things are looking up, my class is going well. But the topper to all the good things is that 30 Rock is back. Yes, I still have a very good relationship with TV and last night's episode was fantastic. I couldn't get my favorite clip of Jack seducing a gay man...his tricks would have worked on me, especially the old hand through the hair. Yummers! But here's my second favorite scene of the night.

We'll see how long things so well for me. I'm sure I'll Lemon all this good stuff some how!

NERD ALERT

Yes, I have the hots for guys that have been dead for over 40 years. Deal with it.

So...I went out to dinner with my friend Andrea from my writing class. It was in Culver City and since I am actually an 80 year old woman I knew that is where all the old (when movies were good) studios were located. I parked above a Trader Joe's/Honda dealership and we walked across to the cantina. I saw this plantation-y looking building. With what I knew about the area, I had a hunch that it was Selznick's Studio (Later Desilu, yes, as in I Love Lucy) but it could be a mortuary.

That's what mortuaries look like in Bakersfield because when you die you're going to a "plantation in the sky." (Insert horribly racist comment here.)

We finally walked over and it said Culver Studios, which means nothing to me. We finally stumbled across a plaque that said it was in fact the studio I thought it was...being right never gets old. I had to keep my nerdiness to a minimum because Andrea isn't as big of an old movie person as I am but inside I was freaking out!!! Clark Gable used to come to work here and not just to film any movie, my favorite movie ever, Gone With The Wind. AHHHH!! Not only that but Lucille Ball used to work here! Double AHHHH!!I've wanted to see this place ever since I saw GWTW when I was 12. To me, they are both like gods and to be somewhere they both were turned me into a super geek.

Yes, the Dad from 'Richie Rich' plays Hearst. Clearly he gets type cast as awesome, old, rich dudes.

An ironic tidbit from that day; I came home and got "The Cat's Meow" in the mail from Netflix. It's about the murder of Thomas Ince, who built that very studio. The movie was really good, Eddie Izzard played a very good Charlie Chaplin and movie had to do with a scandal involving our old friend, Baller Status Hearst himself. I definitely recommend seeing that movie, it's not boring because it's all about a gossipy scandal...well when scandals could ruin a career. I wish that were still the case because then we wouldn't have to hear about stupid Lindsey Lohan anymore!!

Prince Charming is Gay

Nothing says 'I'm an adult ready for marriage' like cartoon animals.

So...I witnessed, what I consider to be the most ridiculous wedding reception of my life last weekend at work. The theme was the movie 'Lady and the Tramp.' I'll let you think about that for a minute. The bride to be reminded me of my ex-roommate because she had the annoying baby voice and LOVED glitter. She wore what looked like a slutty Glenda the Good Witch dress that Tinkerbell had farted glitter all over. And no one bothered to tell her that the tulle was see through, which was a fun added bonus for the guys working that night. She was a total bridezilla and looked to be maybe 21...maybe. I know that she had one of the Disney themed wedding packages.

Nothing says I'm a mature adult prepared to make a serious life commitment like an animated  fairytale. I know the girls that do this are totally immature little twits who clearly have some deep seeded childhood issues to deal with. To me you shouldn't be able to get your wedding stuff in the same isle of Party City that 5 year old's get their cheap-o birthday knick-knacks.

Straight guys don't keep lost high heels.

Next annoyance, Prince Charming. I'm not 6 years old anymore, Prince Charming is as real as the Tooth Fairy...actually they have a lot in common, they are both big fairies! Don't believe me? Prince Charming loved shoes way too much for a straight dude.

Silence is Golden?

The Disney Princes that weren't light in their tights were pretty weird too. Prince Charming(Snow White): Necrophiliac, Prince Phillip: Samesies, The Beast: Stockholm Syndrome, Prince Eric: Women have nothing important to say. See.. I'm good with out any of that nonsense to deal with in a man.

I know, 'to each her own,' but the Princess themed wedding is stupid and a waste of money. If I ever have to go to a themed wedding for one of my friends I will be eating an entire layer of your cake to punish you for being an idiot, so please factor that into your budget.

You have been warned.

Circle Gets My Sqaure

"Muwwhahahaa, I am far more fabulous than you Marie!!"

So...am I the gay man's only answer for procreation since Liza Minnelli, Cher, Bette Midler and Babs' lady bits are all dried up and covered with cob webs?

I was at work today and my first table was a gay couple. I knew they were in love with me from the start. "O.M.G. We were just commenting on how your earrings go perfectly with your hair and your flawless skin." Thank you for noticing queens. I actually told them, "Oh well I've got to do something since I'm pale and in California." And pointed to my hair. Apparently that was hi-larious to them and they were eating out of my hands from then on. They said they wished I would have their kids.

To anyone else, that would be a shocking statement. Not to this moi. That's the THIRD time that's happened, at work. I've gotten it multiple times in my private life. The best one at work was a gay that said, "Have my baby!! I want it to be just as ssss-assy as you!" To which I responded, "You can't breed this!"

I don't mind it when gay men lust after my fantastic genetics and uterus. I can't blame them since I love all the things old gay men love. One of my friends in my comedy writing class told me I was like Nathan Lane with tits. If I'm going to be compared to some old queen it better be someone better than Nathan Lane, someone with taste and wit and the right amount of bitchiness. Someone like, Paul Lynde.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?

Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

 

(Don't know who he was? Yes you do. He was the center square in the original 'Hollywood Squares' Show, the dad from 'Bye, Bye Birdie', the voice of Tempelton the Rat in 'Charlotte's Web' and most famously, Uncle Arthur on 'Bewitched.' (For those of you who saw the movie version of Bewitched, Steve Carrell did a great impersonation of him...basically the only good part in the whole thing!))

 

I suppose I should be flattered because if there weren't gay dudes out there knocking up hot ladies there would never be a Liza Minnelli...I guess I'm Judy Garland in this situation. She was in love with Clark Gable, sang him an awesome song, then married a string of gay men....I guess I just need to write my song to some hot, older, salt and pepper dude to really get this ball rolling!