Brain Turd

Me.

So...do bad things come in threes or is it only celebrity deaths? I hope, for my sake, that it's both because I feel like the rabbit that got it's foot chopped off, unlucky! In less than 2 weeks I've had MAJOR roommate crap to deal with, my writing class (the most enjoyable thing I've got going for myself right now) was postponed and I got rear ended going to work. BLERGH!!! I know everything happens for a reason but does it all have to happen at once?! I hope Karma is real because I should be getting something better than a free cookie back!


I love dishing out a good insult. Not something simple, a good insult is an art and not everyone can do it. This montage is how I feel about one of my crappy situations. It is a masterpiece.

I did go see 'Get Him To The Greek.' I had watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' (Get Him To The Greek is kind of a sequel to that movie)which I thought was okay, but the Greek movie was surprisingly funny. All the main characters were really good and I laughed a lot, which I needed. Toy Story 3 is still my pick for the summer full of underwhelming movies.

This July Fourth at 'The Happiest Place in Hell' almost turned me into a full blown racist, almost. I had about 10 separate LARGE parties of middle eastern people and their devil spawn. I don't think I've met any bossier children than these middle eastern kids. A**HOLES! Someone needs to civilize them and teach them some manners because they are atrocious. Getting bossed around by them on MY COUNTRY'S holiday was ironic and pissed me off. I was yelling horrible things in the back when I refilled their bread basket SIX times. I am exhausted and didn't even get a hot dog, damn it!

This entry is titled Brain Turd because it's very random, as if my brain took a turd.

Everyone's a Critic 3.0

So... I went to see Toy Story 3 the other day with my little brother and my friend Heather. We went at noon and there were a few kids but more adults. ALL the adults were ROLLING!! It was a hysterical movie, jokes about outlaws welcome past the border, Mr. Potato Head (Mr. Warmth himself, Don Rickles who I adore!!) stealing money...of course they have the Jew take the money!! It was great, but it is a Pixar movie so they try to make you tear up. Honestly, best new movie I've seen all year.

The plot revolves around Andy growing up and what is he going to do with his old toys. The movie basically made me feel bad about giving away toys. I still have my big box of Barbies that aren't going anywhere any time soon now! My first Barbie I got when I was 2 after waking up from a nap. This is the ad for her.

She was AWESOME! While watching the movie it made me miss playing. Growing up sucks for a BUNCH of reasons and people that play with toys in adulthood are normally geeks who live in their Mom's basement, so I don't think I'll start it up again! I also love the smell of new plastic, you know, the way a brand new toy smells on Christmas...ahhhh, it's wonderful. Watching the movie made me realize why my parents, well mostly my Dad, played with my toys before I woke up on Christmas.

Speaking of Barbies they are making a Sugar Daddy Barbie, who looks...super FABBBULOUSS!!!!

They didn't make Ken gay in the movie, but he was very flamboyant. Honestly, he was the best character, hilarious.

The Sugar Daddy Ken reminds of a hilarious character a guy from Second City created called, Sassy Gay Friend...it makes me laugh, enjoy.

Right on, Maude! Not so fast...

Yes, you should open my door, thank you Don Draper!!

So...yesterday in my writing class I wrote a sketch about a Disney-esque Princess who meets a feminist and she doesn't understand women who just want to take care of Prince Charming. My teacher told me that I write about women's roles a lot. I was not aware that I did, but alright. I think he was under the impression that I was a staunch feminist. Lady Godiva was a freedom fighter and then there's...me? Nope. I told him how great it would be if all I had to worry about was looking cute, cooking and cleaning, I'm already great at all 3 of those things. I think that shocked him a bit and now, upon further inspection, I found my thoughts on this are not so black and white. 

I believe that I snapped to my former statement because it's the polar opposite of everything that I'm so tired of. I am sick of paying for dates(or going Dutch, screw the Dutch, what did they ever do?!), opening my own door, making reservations, being ridiculously thoughtful, remembering almost everything, making more money than my date, fixing crap and especially being the most assertive...I'm sick of being the Alpha Male! I never get to be the lady, no matter how fancy the dress or how high the heels I will still dominate. I feel like I'm waiting for another Alpha Male(an actual male) to challenge me, lose and then, finally I can be uber feminine. 

On the flip side, I also find it DISGUSTING when I talk to friends who can't do anything without responding, "let me ask my boyfriend." WHAT? You aren't married, so do whatever the hell you want! (Plus, he's a douche.)  I can't handle all the checking in crap and constant texts and stupid ass nicknames. It makes me want to sit on a knife!

Also,I don't think I can "have it all." Meaning a house, career, social life, keep it all looking "tight", chores and a husband. (I would only want that if I was wealthy and could get some help.) I see women who "have it all" every day at work and I am here to tell you, they look tired as hell! Not only do they look horrible, but their husbands are useless. They can't order for the kids, or know how to fold up a stroller. Sweet Jesus, grow a pair, be assertive, and make a decision!

Women have to do everything, including be a man and I don't want to be a man anymore!! It seems like the only road to being thought of as a girl is to be a mindless slut. What annoys me to no end is that I can cook an amazing dinner and knit you a sweater (both underrated skills which are actually hard to do.)But since I physically and mentally can not be a slut; my choices are be a smart young lady and be doomed to be the Alpha Male in every relationship or a stupid, useless skank and be thought of as a girl. (Please don't say "Oh you don't want to date a guy that wants a skank." EVERY guy wants a slutty girl, ok.) I see the slutty girls out with guys that I think are decent and think, "How does SHE have a boyfriend? She's a worthless piece of crap and....a slut." I do not need a guy but it irritates me that these mindless chicks are the most sought after when the only thing they bring to the table is a couple of orifices! 50 years ago, I would have been the SH*T with all my ridiculous skills!

So, in response to my teacher I say, my thoughts on women's roles are complicated...I don't want to be a slut but I want an Alpha Male who can take charge and  who let's it be OK that I can be a lady for more than a second.

Also, if you didn't get my Maude references, here's the theme to the TV show Maude.

If I'm doomed to be an Alpha, at least I'm most like Bea...especially since, like her, I can't help judging people with my face!

Don't Send A Boy To Do A Man's Job

So...I'm going to start this off by saying my Mother is not going to like reading any of this. Sorry.

Last week in my writing class one of my friends asked if I'm a "gold digger" because of the age of some of the guys I've dated. Unfortunately, I am not. I've also been accused of being very high maintenance. Really? I have never asked a guy for anything I couldn't get for myself. That accusation was made by all the younger guys I've dated. I don't think that paying for my meal on a date is really that high maintenance...and neither do older dudes!

I do understand why my girlfriends (and my Mom) think it is weird that I like the older man. For me, teaching a 20 something about manners, movies, music, literature and basic hygiene is not fun anymore. (Is needing all of those things in a man considered high maintenance?) I've done it more than once and the novelty is gone. "Oh but there are boys your age that like the same things as you." Oh yea? I just spent almost a grand at a film festival for "people like me" and I will tell you, no there are not. But there are a lot of 40 and 50 year olds that do! I would rather learn something from someone than have to consistently tell someone what old movie 'Family Guy' is referencing and why it's funny. Older men have better taste in most things and, like me, enjoy napping. And, older guys like imparting their wisdom/advice, it makes them feel important. When a 24 year old tries to do that, it's a freakin' joke.

I went out for my friend Heather's birthday last night and a guy there was asking me what kind of guys I'm into because I was not into the douchebaggery that was at this bar. (Please note that his girlfriend was with him so I think it was just conversation.) I told him older men and he said, "Oh, like Tom Selleck." Then I threw up in my mouth.

Not because I think Tom Selleck is gross, I think he's gross because my Mom thinks he's super hot, so that's NOT hot.

Stop looking at me Tom, you're not my kind of hairy.

Alright. Now everyone's uncomfortable, except for me!

I found a very good theme song for this post, sung by a Mr. Tom Jones. I was never into him, mostly because he was like the Patron Saint of Carlton from 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air,' so I thought he was kinda geeky. I was wrong. He was sort of hot back in the day and his voice is all gravely, just how I like it.

 Awwww yeah!

I like that he says "Holy Schmoly." Hilarious

She's a my birthday too!!

So...I had my birthday which, up until the day of had been perfect. But God knew nothing can be perfect for me, not yet at least. I woke up to find out that my car needed to go into the shop and $600 later it was fixed. UGH, thanks God!! The day before I had gone to Bakersfield to visit family. I went to visit my Grandma in Wasco and had a really nice "dinner" served promptly at noon followed by "million dollar cake." It was all very good and the visit was great because I got to tell her all about the TCM Festival.

I had Smith's frosting cake with Mom, Dad, Uncle David, Allen and Granny later that night. And I also got to find out that both of my grandmothers have a thing for James Mason's voice...I don't think I cared to know that.

I drove home, woke up wanting to go run errands and found out, nope, I get to go to Ford. Blah. Tasha and I still went to Mastro's for a really nice birthday dinner in Newport. She'd never been and I think she liked it, I of course, loved it.

Super cute photo of Tasha (Or as my Scottish Granny calls her "Tinnie Bash.")

Their drinks are fabulous. Tasha had wine. I'll take her word that it was good since I'm not a wine-o.

I had my favorite, a Lemon Drop with dry ice. The smokey affect is impressive when it's served.

I had a KC Rib Eye, a very fine choice of meat I will say. It was like butta. Tasha had the fillet mignon and we shared the gorgonzola mac and cheese and 1lb baked potato...I had never seen one so big!! Fantastic dinner and I was very happy to go out with a great friend and get dressed up for a fancy-schmancy dinner. I ended the evening watching 'It's Complicated' like the 80 year old woman I really am.

That Friday night Cassie came down to visit, which almost never happens so it was a big deal. We went to the Getty Saturday afternoon to see the DaVinci exhibit which was...annoying. Since I never have Saturdays off I forgot that the masses go out then and I hate being with the masses and their devil children. There were WAY too many strollers at the Getty. Children, especially those that are messy and can't walk well should NOT be anywhere near FINE art. Stay home. The exhibit itself was mainly sketches which needed to be viewed through magnifying glasses, and with all the people crammed into those rooms, it just wasn't great. Thank God there was more stuff to look at!!

I came across this painting of a Spanish woman. It was very vibrant and I was impressed with how HUGE it was...I'm a size queen.

This was a basin depicting Cleopatra's life. If you can see there are swords and sharp crap popping out everywhere, I would not be washing my face in this at all!!

This was a table which I found to be very creepy. I mean you're eating your dinner and you look down and there are all these faces smiling at you like they're saying, "Hey, thanks for the nice view."

Me and Mr. Bojangles a few lives ago.

Squinty!! It was super bright that day.

Me, "Harry" and Cassie

After almost a year and half of not seeing each other my "Harry" came and met us for Brazilian food at Fogo de Chao in Beverly Hills.  And do I know my friends or what because they both LOVED this place. Cassie said it was like having your best friends keep coming by the table to ask if you'd like some more meat. It really is like that, they have 16 different kinds of meat there and a great salad bar and a great bar (Thin Mint cookie shots!!!) It was great and ever the classy guy, Harry picked up the tab!! Now THAT was nice.

        

DONE SON!

Notice how Harry is the only one that looks blissful, while the girls are bordering on pain.

After dinner we all went back to my apartment and talk, talk, talked until 3 AM. It was a VERY good time and I really appreciated them driving down to see me because it's a 2.5 and 5 hours trip for them. YIKES! Over all a really awesome birthday and if you didn't get my reference, it is, yet again, an 'I Love Lucy' one. Educate yo' self!

That's Entertainment: Plastics

My new found love of Anne Bancroft begins.

So...I was draggin' in the morning and did NOT wake up for the 9AM viewing of 'Sunset Boulevard.' I was not ready for my close up Mr. DeMille. I arrived for the showing of Joan Crawford's home movies which spanned from about 1938-1942-ish. They were nearly all in color but they were silent. I really enjoyed them and I was about 1 of only 500 people that have ever seen them. Her grandson, Casey, hosted the showing. He is NOT Christina's son and has never met her and said that he nor his mother, Cathy, thought that movie/book was an accurate depiction of Joan.

A really great shot of Joan hunting in the woods.

Joan and Christina sunbathing (NUDE!) It was adorable. Everything that was shown of Joan interacting with Christina was super cute. Christina was crazy and I'm glad that Joan's grandson is trying to restore her reputation.

Filmed in Shafter, CA. Not Indiana.

The first film of the day was 'North by Northwest.' It was PACKED!! Robert Osborne was there interviewing Martin Landau and Eva Marie Saint before the film. Martin Landau looks like a really nice old dude...until you watch the movie and he's creepy as hell!! Also, was he gay? It's a legitimate question because I learned that Tony Curtis dabbled in men...and animals!!!AHHHH!!!! Any who, I had never seen the movie all the way because it's ALWAYS shown in Bakersfield because the famous plane scene was filmed in Shafter, about 20 minutes away. And here's a little tidbit for you, the man that flew the plane was my Grandma's neighbor. Fact.

I am glad I hadn't seen it all the way through because it was REALLY good on the big screen. Also, this was the third movie I had noticed James Mason in during the festival. What was that all about? He is one creepy dude.

Up next, another funny person put in an interview with Buster Bluth. Buck Henry was there for 'The Graduate.' He wrote the screen play for the movie and is also Liz Lemon's dad on 30 Rock. He was very funny, even with Buster Bluth.

The movie was great and I now want to see more movies that Anne Bancroft was in.

Buck Henry is the guy that is at the hotel front desk...he reminds me of Jack Lemon a little bit.

After the movie I went back across to Club TCM and met up with Carley for a bit before I drove my tired self home.

I will for sure go to the Festival next year but the things I will do differently are 1: buy the best ticket and 2: get a hotel so I can take naps in the afternoon, driving back and forth was no bueno!

That's Entertainment: Hail Caesar

So...I went to the 9AM showing of 'The Bad and The Beautiful' at Grauman's 6, which I found is hidden and is pretty much a a normal cinema. But at 9AM I just wanted caffeine. I saw my film crew friends again at this event because Robert Osborne was there interviewing Cheryl Crane, Lana Turners daughter...yes the one that may have killed Lana's boyfriend.

The movie was good, but I had to leave an hour before the end because I had to make it to Mel Brooks' Walk of Fame ceremony.

The ceremony was packed and included a stinky hobo with matching stinky trash bag. Ugh. I saw my Writing 1 teacher there, Ira Miller, the the tall man next to the glowing angel of botox and the man in sunglasses.

There were tree cutting guys across the street that Mel Brooks yelled at and told to watch out for the birds' nests. He was super funny through out the ceremony and Carl Reiner was there and spoke.

(Sorry it's sideways, if I fixed it, it wouldn't upload to youtube, whatever, the audio is the best part.)


The real press got better footage of the ceremony and I'm barely in the last bit of this video, trying to take a photo in the top right with my huge sunglasses on.

I walked back to the Roosevelt to grab something to eat. There's a diner in the front called 25 degrees and it's always p-poppin' so I ate at the counter. I sat next to a very chatty, and nice, gay dude who had worked with Robert Osborne at the Hollywood Reporter years ago. Then a girl with a laptop sat down next to me and we chatted for a bit. She said she was from Vanity Fair and asked if she could interview me, of course!! So we talked about why there's a lack of young people here (that was a very commonly asked question to me) , why I like old movies, etc. And I ended up making in Vanity Fair.!!  NEAT-O!!

I did enjoy a great burger which I couldn't even finish!

After lunch I went to Club TCM to relax before I went to see 'The Producers' at Grauman's.

Had TCM photographer not of walked by taking photos, I would have taken a nap here. I was full, very sleepy and little did I know, sun burnt, fun! I met a mother and daughter (both older than me) and chatted with them until I went across the street.

I was in the second row because I wanted to be super close while Mel was being interviewed. TCM photographer finds me again!

I was pretty close but these old crones next to me told me there was no photography allowed, there was an announcement! Guess what you weathered old witch, EVERYONE else is taking photos. I didn't care for those two me-maws. Someone almost as annoying was the interviewer from Vanity Fair. He was very nervous and didn't laugh when things were funny and I'm sure Mel Brooks was thinking, "Who the hell is this guy?" He also looked like Buster Bluth from 'Arrested Development,' just like him.

"Hey Brother!"

After the interview I moved back to a seat on the side of the theater and out of the wings, in the empty row in front of me is MEL BROOKS. Holy crap. I didn't talk to him because I thought that would be rude, but I was super close to him. He left after the beginning of the film.

After the movie I went back to the Club and talked to a 19 year old guy from UCSB, Kevin, who's studying film and wants to direct. He was very interesting and knew a lot of about movies, hopefully I'll see him next year.  I decided to leave after that and not go see 'Top Hat' because I am not a big Fred Astaire fan and I was super tired.

Here are some shots of Club TCM.

A screen which played a loop of dancing (and swimming) numbers from movies. It was muted because there was other music played in the club.

The dance floor had chairs on it and the bar is in the background.

To Be Continued...