You mind if I watch you eat that?

Milk is for your body like Hitler was for

a: the Jews

b: Poland

                  c: brown eyed people

            d: all of the above

So...I started reading a book about what to eat to clear your skin. I for one, don't enjoy buying acne soap and wrinkle cream while getting judgemental looks from the teen mom cashier at Target. The book is really interesting because it says most acne is a reaction to bacteria in your gut. Since I can't drink bleach to clean that crap out, well I could but it wouldn't be great, I have to eat differently. (Don't even try to tell me ProActiv works because I don't suffer fools or waste money on bull crap.)They are promoting a traditional Japanese diet, translate: boring.

The biggest change has been NOT drinking or eating dairy. Cutting dairy out for me is like getting Lindsey Lohan off crack and fire water. I started using Almond Milk, which is good IN things but don't take a swig and think you'll be getting the passionate kiss on the mouth from God like you did when you drank the real thing.

Alright, no milk, but that also means no butter and no cheese. Slit my wrists now. It was Heather's Mom's birthday last week and I was in charge of the cake because...well, because no one is stupid that's why I was in charge of cake. So, I made a vanilla pound cake with butter cream icing and didn't even eat a slice. I just watched everyone eat theirs', like some creepy voyeuristic pervert.

I could go on about how milk is horrible for you but like a girl that keeps going back to an abusive boyfriend, I don't really want to talk too much smack because I still love it even though it's leaving  marks all over my body.

And like Tootsie, rule following, judging others, and aversion to the word lover, Tina Fey and I also see eye to eye on our love of cake.

The Pied Piper of Whack Jobs

Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

 I think this needs to be my motto to live by.

So...I have continued my collection of kooks tonight. I had my first screenwriting class at UCLA. I was early and sat down in the hall until the classroom was free. There was another girl waiting and asked everyone in the hall if it was ok if she waited there. I just thought she had never been to college before b/c sitting in a hallway was something I was used to seeing. She was, of course, drawn to me since I produce a pheromone that only weirdos can smell. I don't even know how to explain her without wasting a whole blog on her. Let's just say,after 3 hours I wanted to shove my pen in my ear so I didn't have to listen to her yap. She has the oddest voice, and when we went around the class answering questions she sat right next to me (like I even needed to include that detail!) and I followed her with my answer. I had to try my hardest to NOT mimic her voice b/c it was so ridiculous. It was like this clip but if she got really excited about something it would get really high pitched and she would jut out her bottom teeth and tugged on her ponytail....it was just ghaaaaastly!



And EVERYTHING was about her and how much of a big shot she was at her old job in NYC, followed by some "buzz word " that made absolutely no sense. For example, "Yes, my tastes are really unique, I go for the armchair, transformation, bittersweet, quirky stories." What. The. Hell?? You can not just put 4 words together and think that it makes any sort of sense. She went on to tell me she has major social anxiety. I was not surprised in the least bit and I said nothing. What I should have said was, "Move along crazy." She thought the teacher must think she's crazy felt like she was taking too many notes because blah, blah, blah...SHOOT ME!

I need to learn how to get this chick AWAY from me. I am not good at being mean but I can't sit through another 9 weeks of her prattling on about NY and her love of the sunshine...uh and that voice! *Slaps forehead*

The class is interesting. An assignment we had was to list 10 movies we love, why we love them and then 2 sentences summarizing the plot. I thought, "ONLY 10?? From what genre, what time period?" I could have gone on for days, weirdo said she had a hard time coming up with 10. (If you can't think of 10 movies you love, maybe you shouldn't be in a film writing class...just a thought.) I decided to give myself a limitation of movies I love because of great writing (not  JUST the music or costumes.) After deep thought, here are my 10.

1. Gone With The Wind
2. Tootsie
3. Auntie Mame
4. Funny Girl
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. Some Like It Hot
7. Back To The Future
8. The Holiday
9. Sabrina
10. Sunset Blvd.

A lot of the people in the class work in "the industry" so I felt like, maybe I was going to be the novice and didn't know much.

...And then I slapped myself in my stupid face. I don't know much about  movies?!  Just because I don't talk like an uppity, self-righteous, douche doesn't mean I don't know my stuff.

Others' choices were: Cohen brother's movies ("all of 'em are sweet", oy vey!), 'The Runaways', 'Clueless' and 'Stars Wars Episode 3', yea #3, the crappy one. Our teacher used to work for Sydney Pollack and if you already knew that he was the director of 'Tootsie', then you are miles ahead of most people in the class. As a matter of fact, our homework for the week is to watch 'Tootsie'. Heaven, I'm in Heaven! I will try not to dominate the discussion of the movie next week..try is the key word.

It's it Romantic?

So...while running at the gym tonight I saw a story on Night line about how the romantic comedy is dead. The interviewee, a supposed expert, really had nothing to contribute, but the story did get me thinking.

It's true, I haven't seen a great romantic comedy in a while. The ones that I have seen are almost always with the same actresses (Jennifer Aniston or Lopez, both need  to go away or Kathrine Heigl, meh) and some meathead with a hot bod as the leading man. I know that there are about a million screenplays submited a year and I wonder what idiot thought, "Another Jennifer Aniston rom com? She has a lame love life in reality so, I'll cut her a break and give her a good fake one...for the third time this year."

Most of the newer "rom coms" (I effing hate that term) are either all about sex or a guide to being a slut. I know that is a trend with girls, to sleep with a guy and then get to know him (not me, I just happen to know some crazy skanks who clearly like to overshare.) I think we need movies that teach women to act like women and get men to be romantic because clearly, that is a lost art.Women bitch and moan about how there are no romantic men left, well close your legs and make them be romantic. If you want to be a whore, start charging and stop whining.


What happened to dapper men that were charming and made the audience fall in love with them? Clark Gable, Paul Newman, Bill Holden and even light in his loaffers, Rock Hudson would charm the pants of you. And not all of them were hot; Jimmy Stewart was not a stud but he was the Tom Hanks of his day, a nice guy that anyone would want to be with.

I digress. This new turd is about to breeze into theathers this month.

'No Strings Attached' is about sex buddies. I'll save you the $10 for the ticket and the $15 for snacks and 2 hrs of having to watch Aston Kutcher's craptastic acting and tell you to turn on VH1 tomorrow at 5PM and watch 'When Harry Met Sally' for free where you can find out that men and women can not, infact, be sex buddies without someone's feelings getting hurt.

Someone needs to put the romance back into the romantic comedy STAT because it's not dead, just on life support.

***What's your favorite romantic comedy?***

I see dead people...and Conan.

Jeggings Coco? Well...Make it work!

So...I got tickets to see Conan. My rally partner, Mego and Heather accompanied me to the taping at the Warner Bros. Studio on Wednesday afternoon. We were really early so we went across the street to Forrest Lawn Cemetery to see how many dead stars we could see.

View of Burbank from Forrest Lawn.

Mego saw this before I did. I'm not a huge Laurel and Hardy fan, but I do appreciate the fact that his family acknowledge that he was an actor. I found that most celebrities are buttholes and don't put that part on their headstones. Seriously, your family's not coming to visit you, the people that paid for the plot you're in will...make it easier for us.

BALLER STATUS!! Bette Davis' awesome grave says "She did it the hard way." Good for her.

I don't know who this dude was but his nickname probably has a hilarious story involving a bathroom behind it! We also came across a person with the last name of Boocock. That's just sad.

My future, a headstone with a cat on it.

They were building a new mausoleum. It reminded me of a game of Connect 4 but instead of checkers you use caskets.

"The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me." The cassette tape on a mountain top was the best thing? Really? I will say this was THE MOST creative headstone I've ever seen. And the weirdest.

We went over to Warner's, parked in the garage there and went to Level 1 to check in with security. We weren't allowed to take any cameras or phones with us so I will take you on an adventure, with words.

Security consisted of a bag check, metal detector scan, Warner Bro's photo ID check and two Conan ticket check ins. You could leave and come back after that, but I don't know the area well so we stayed put. It was like a holding pen/fenced in prison yard that played Weezer. There were plenty of goons for my eyes to feast on. It was like Mom's across LA were cleaning out their basements and sent their weird hipster kids out into the world for the afternoon. (Example: There was a guy who had a hat on with the bill flipped up and written on the bill was "Low Life." You didn't need to tell me guy, I already knew.)
At 2:45 we got into groups and 2x2 walked across the street and into the studio to wait in a queue. I was honestly waiting for them to tell us we were all going to get a shower soon because it was feeling a little concentration camp-esque. We were told to shut up and were walked in small groups, across the studio lot to stage 15, were Conan is taped. Each stage has a plaque that has what films and TV shows have been taped there. I saw one that had held the set of Auntie Mame and A Star is Born and I nerded out a little bit.

 I kept seeing these things.

Star Waggons. They are kind of sad compared to the dressing rooms of old. We got to the stage, we were in row 2, right behind the producer of the show. Awesome! The band played two songs, the warm up guy came out to pump up the crowd, Andy Richter came out then the show began taping. The guests were Joel McHale, Tim Gunn and Cake. I know, awesome line up! It was a really fun taping and we were easy to spot on TV because of my...brightness. Here's the link to the episode. See if you can find me, or just watch it because it's funny.

Afterwards we went to the gift shop which was lame town. Disney is still the best at hocking their wears. They didn't have a single Conan shirt or mug or anything there. But they did have FRIENDS stuff. Yea, that show has been off the air for almost ten years. Come on guys, get your act together because you could actually make money off that store if you did!

We then spent the next TWO hours in traffic. I would go see Conan again for sure, but tip for those that are going to see a taping, get the tickets early and  then go get lunch, or bring a book. I just saved you two hours, you're welcome.

Moguls, Movies and The Cold

So...after my class on Thursday I went to The Grove/Farmers Market in LA. TCM is doing a 7 part documentary called Moguls and Movie Stars and there was an exhibit  for 2 days only. All the Christmas stuff was up and it was 75 degrees out, yea, super wintry!

Two of my classmates and I were to met up for lunch at a Brazilian food place. As I walked there I saw that MAC make up was having a huge Scottish makeup event and the little Asian queen in the photo below saw me and made a beeline.

HELLOOOO!!

 It was really loud but all I could hear was, "You have great hair," and he shoved a tartan flower thing (below) in my hand and a booklet. Thanks gay guy.

 I went to the exhibit, which I had been looking forward to ever since I heard about it. It wasn't very big, but, it was free so I couldn't really complain. I was interviewed by a TCM employee before I started. She was really nice and I'm sure, was just happy to be talking to someone with out a hearing aide! If you think I'm being mean, I'm not. I was the youngest one there by 60 years and the most mobile. Basically, I was amongst my people.

In between the costumes there were interactive stands that you could look at scripts, watch parts of the documentary series or take quizzes. They had the Oscar from Casablanca there and on one of the screens you could look at Jack Warner's handwritten address book. I thought that was pretty neat because it had phone numbers how they used to be. (Example: Circle-7-2099)

The outfit Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Niagara' was right next to the J. Crew store. I thought it was funny because that outfit (above) is very simple and stylish and it was side by side to a store that thinks it's giving that to the public, when really, it's just over priced crap.

Valentino's outfit from 'The Sheik' is almost one hundred years old and was in fantastic shape.

This was what I was the MOST excited about, clearly. It was one of Scarlett O'Hara's dresses in 'Gone With The Wind', my favorite movie of all time and space. (It's the dress she wore while driving through Shanty Town, not the most glamorous but it was still pretty.) It was a little stained and torn and I read on the plaque in front of it that it was lent out at a Halloween costume!!! Could you imagine getting to wear that to a party! Jeez.

As I left I stumbled across this gaggle of geeks, waiting for the new Harry Potter movie to come out. Look how excited they are to be out of their mom's basements!

I also saw this cute dog. His master is a total douche who uses him to get chick's attention. Sorry dog, bite him in the ba-doobies.

I then drove up to where I'm from to see Lisa Lampanelli Live. I was feeling sick but thought I would get over it, HA. (The night before a dirty kid at work coughed DIRECTLY in my mouth as I was taking his table's order. I Bea Artured those parents SO bad.) I went to the show (I paid for it and yes,I am that much of a tightwad.), but I was in a NyQuil hangover for the rest of the weekend. I would like to thank HBO for having 'Tootsie' on nonstop while I in and out of naps on Fridays. That was wonderful.

Me, my best friend Smaptie and her parents before the show.



A Side of Judgement

Today's Special: HATRED

So...the holidays are coming. People are looking forward to spending time with their families and having vacation time. Not me. I serve at a place that is open 365 days a year and pretends to give a damn about American traditions. (Wouldn't one of those traditions be spending time at HOME on a holiday? Hmmm.)

Even though I am used to this, it doesn't mean I like it. I don't think anything should be open on the holidays, except the ER. Heart attacks don't know it's Christmas, so they get a free pass. I don't understand wanting to go anywhere on Thanksgiving or Christmas. All I want to do is eat, sleep and then repeat that pattern a few times between Trivial Pursuit matches. I don't want to go shopping or to the movies and I definitely don't want to go to a friggin' theme park after eating a huge meal.

I know some of my friends go out on these days and I would like to take this time to tell them this;  I'm judging you. I think you are horrible and selfish for doing this. YOU are the reason someone else's holiday is effed, YOU selfish buttholes. STAY HOME. You don't know how to cook, figure it out dummies. You are bored, get a book. Don't go out because I guarantee you the person helping you when you go out hates you to your core.

Every table I serve on the holidays I hate. They are horrible people and my Bea Arthur judgement is crystal clear on those days. These people aren't even enjoying their day either, they are too busy bitching at their hell babies. What a waste of their day and more importantly, MINE! Did Home Alone teach my generation nothing? Going away for the holidays sucks. Stay home with your weird uncle, chatty grandma and cousins. DUH!!

Random Related Rant: People with boyfriends and girlfriends, stop pretending you are married. I do not understand stressing out about going to your boyfriend's parents house on the holidays and whining about having to eat two dinners in one day. I have had boyfriends during the holidays and I never even thought, 'Oh I better go to his parents' house for turkey and stuffing too.' Nope, I looked down at my hand, didn't see a wedding ring and said, "See you on the 26th. Your Mom's a bad cook and I don't HAVE to eat her crappy cooking yet, so I'm going to my house...where they know how to cook." Plus, you'll probably break up and like a dummy, you dedicated time to a family you won't even be in anyways. I'll tie both rants up in a neat little bow: STAY HOME!

Am I on Candid Camera?

Not honey, not sweetie, not tootsie, it's Dorothy, D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, Dorothy.

So...I was watching Tina Fey on Letterman tonight and she put up a photo of what she was for Halloween. Tootsie. Really, Tina?

It is a joke between some of my friends that I am the embodiment of Liz Lemon. It's not something I'm proud of because as Tina Fey said herself, "Liz Lemon is a more pathetic version of myself." Ouch. But the truth is supposed to hurt.

Liz Lemon=Moi

• Dated gay men
• Therefore has no gaydar
• Hates people that break rules
• Loves hot dogs
• Mistaken for a lesbian
• Can not be sexy
• Had horrible boyfriends
• Talks to food about her problems
• Star Wars Nerd
• Been a beard
• Loves Show tunes
• Has a foot secret
• Loves UNO
• People think she's racist
• Judges with facial expressions
• Tries to be nice
• Endanger of being an old spinster
• Would rather have men buy her food, than drinks
• Stays up all night writing
• Uncomfortable with sexual stuff (Yep, not a skank.)
• Loves ham
• Horrible dancers
• Has great relationship with TV

I could keep going for a while more, but you get the point.

But the Tootsie thing is the LIMIT! No one loves Tootsie more than me...NO ONE!! You need to stop with the hidden cameras (unless Stacey and Clinton are going to pop out, then that's OK) Tina, no more stealing my life. I need to capitalize on it first, damn it!