Mick Jagger, Meltdowns and Main Characters

Even if I get Alzheimer's, I will never forget this friggin' song.

So...class numero tres. It was too windy to sit outside before class so I began my search for a hide out indoors. As soon as I opened the doors to my building 75 music students came pouring out. Every stereotype you can think of for musical theater students, insert it here x75, then picture me like a salmon swimming against a stream of loud nerds. Finally, I found a small art library to sit in for an hour and a half, thank God!

Crazytown and some poor Asian dude were the only ones in class when I arrived 10 minutes early. That poor sucker will never come to class early again. She named dropped about some book she edited being made into a movie and some actor signed on, and I'd just love it--- blah, blah, blah. First off, you don't know what I would love but if you like it, it might be a little too (insert BS buzzword jargon here) for me! And second, if I don't know the actor, he must not be that awesome.

Our homework was to write a 3 act summary of Toy Story. Not as easy as it sounds. I'm learning that screenwriting is all about the less words the better, so I had to make my 3-4 sentences per act count. After talking about that movie, we got to watch Act I of 'Moonstruck,' and I noticed how much detail there was in the movie this time around. If you haven't seen it, SNAP OUT OF IT and rent it. If you have seen it, the next time you watch it, notice how much death is referenced and that Johnny and Ronnie haven't talked in 5 years (5 fingers=a hand), and I could go on, but I won't.

As we were getting our assignment for next week I noticed one thing the teacher didn't cover that was noted on the syllabus for the week. It said, "Main Character's Goals: A word of advice from Mick Jagger." I asked her what the advice was. "You can't always get what you want, you get what you need." This was one subject I could have taught that class about because I know that song all TOO well.

Explanation: To keep me from being a whinny little sh*t, my Mom used the Rolling Stones as an embarrassing torture tactic. If I asked her for a toy that I couldn't have and kept asking, she would start singing that song where ever we were, a toy store, the mall, doesn't matter. It was embarrassing as hell and I would walk away as fast as I could and she didn't have to hear me pitch a fit about getting something I didn't need. As I got older, all she would have to say is, "I hear the choir warming up, " which was a warning that she would start singing, and I would walk away from the battle. More parents should do this because I NEVER threw a fit about some worthless piece of plastic. I'm not messed up because of it either...just don't sing around me, I will walk away from you as fast as I can.

S.A.G.S and TITS

I'm 100% sure I have a photo with the same facial expressions with my best friend. If Fey and Poehler are anything like Cassie and me, they can only be noticing one thing, someone farted.

So...after the world's most uneventful shift, I watched the SAG Awards tonight and I will say, award shows are AWESOME with a DVR. And, for an award show ONLY for actors, not a lot of them can read cue cards super great. For some reason during the red carpet interviews, the majority of them were snoozeburgers. You're wearing  $100,000 of diamonds on your chest and get to drink all the free booze you want, I'd be super stoked!

Every one's fascination with Natalie Portman---I just, why? She's knock-up by her boyfriend who's a ballerina...Judy Garland had a kid with a gay guy too, big whoop! I read a quote from her while she was promoting her dump-tastic rom-com and these were her feelings on the romantic comedy genre, "They always want to get married at the end. There’s some kind of makeover scene. That stuff offends me." Well, Nat, there actually are movies about a hot girl who sleeps around, they're called porn and THAT is a more reasonable thing to be offended by, hippie.

Not to paint myself as a complete prude, let's talk about mammalia.

Tits, Ba zooms, Fun Bags, Medicine Balls, Pechangas, Nay-Nays---my world, welcome to it.

I also found out that NO ONE knows when 'Mad Men' will be coming back. This news seriously screwed my impending summer romance with my TV sideways because 'Mad Men' comes in and fills the cold, sad void of no new '30 Rock.' And on top of that news, my girl, Christina Hendrick's looked cute but the dress was super boring. (I have only recently purchased by first LBD, black is boring---I look better in technicolor!) AND, her husband was annoying and talked WAY too much on the red carpet interviews. Shut your yap and thank your lucky stars that you get to go home and sleep next to that.

Christina is all about her bazooms and that dress didn't really show them off. Since, I too, am in the Big Titty Committee, I think that you'd better show 'em off while they're nice, because some day they'll be like that song lyric, "Can you throw them o'er your shoulder/Like a Continental Soldier?"

Sophia Vergara ('Modern Family') knows what I'm talking about and I LOVED her dress. I would rock that dress if I ever went anywhere awesome. 

I Want To Go To There.



Alec Baldwin won for Best Actor in a Comedy. Thank God, because Big Bang Theory is a Hindenburg of a show. I don't know how that nerdy dude won at the Golden Globes and Emmys instead of my precious Daddy Bear.

On a completely random note, I love the photos of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. They remind me of Cassie and me being total goobs and I'm happy to know that I can continue being a dork for a few more decades!

The Eyes Have It

Vegan cupcakes---what? No. Just, stop.

So...I had a plan of action this week before driving to UCLA. I knew that if I got there early (which I did), I would sit away from the entire building my class is in and read, then go to class 5 minutes before it started. That seemed to help since I didn't have to sit directly next to Whack-a-do this time. We had to go around the room sharing our ideas for scripts we wanted to write. Sounds easy? Sure, but we only had 2 sentences in which to get the idea across. Yikes. Some ideas were great,others needed work and others sounded like movies that had already been made. Mine went over well and Crazytown's was full of...*eye roll*..."buzzwords" Buh!

I only had to deal with chatting during our break. She asked if she should take the train to San Diego or drive. I said drive but she "doesn't really drive on freeways." Oh, ok. I don't know how you have survived in LA for almost a year without doing that, much less successfully walked this planet for 36 years. I am amazed.
She then went on to talk about how "delicious" vegan cupcakes are. Choke yourself for even letting those words come out of your mouth and for being a liar.

We got to discuss Tootsie at length, which was great. Almost as good as being able to eat a piece of cheese...it's a close call. I thought one of the most interesting parts we talked about was that they didn't have time for "Tootsie" to get to know Jessica Lange's character because it would have been too much dialogue, so they picked a woman who you could fall in love with from just one look. Awesome shortcut! And the new 30 Rock episode tonight even had an entire ending dedicated to scenes with just looks. Life wrapped that handy lesson up for me in a Jack Donaghy shaped present!

You mind if I watch you eat that?

Milk is for your body like Hitler was for

a: the Jews

b: Poland

                  c: brown eyed people

            d: all of the above

So...I started reading a book about what to eat to clear your skin. I for one, don't enjoy buying acne soap and wrinkle cream while getting judgemental looks from the teen mom cashier at Target. The book is really interesting because it says most acne is a reaction to bacteria in your gut. Since I can't drink bleach to clean that crap out, well I could but it wouldn't be great, I have to eat differently. (Don't even try to tell me ProActiv works because I don't suffer fools or waste money on bull crap.)They are promoting a traditional Japanese diet, translate: boring.

The biggest change has been NOT drinking or eating dairy. Cutting dairy out for me is like getting Lindsey Lohan off crack and fire water. I started using Almond Milk, which is good IN things but don't take a swig and think you'll be getting the passionate kiss on the mouth from God like you did when you drank the real thing.

Alright, no milk, but that also means no butter and no cheese. Slit my wrists now. It was Heather's Mom's birthday last week and I was in charge of the cake because...well, because no one is stupid that's why I was in charge of cake. So, I made a vanilla pound cake with butter cream icing and didn't even eat a slice. I just watched everyone eat theirs', like some creepy voyeuristic pervert.

I could go on about how milk is horrible for you but like a girl that keeps going back to an abusive boyfriend, I don't really want to talk too much smack because I still love it even though it's leaving  marks all over my body.

And like Tootsie, rule following, judging others, and aversion to the word lover, Tina Fey and I also see eye to eye on our love of cake.

The Pied Piper of Whack Jobs

Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this shit from friends. Only lovers.

 I think this needs to be my motto to live by.

So...I have continued my collection of kooks tonight. I had my first screenwriting class at UCLA. I was early and sat down in the hall until the classroom was free. There was another girl waiting and asked everyone in the hall if it was ok if she waited there. I just thought she had never been to college before b/c sitting in a hallway was something I was used to seeing. She was, of course, drawn to me since I produce a pheromone that only weirdos can smell. I don't even know how to explain her without wasting a whole blog on her. Let's just say,after 3 hours I wanted to shove my pen in my ear so I didn't have to listen to her yap. She has the oddest voice, and when we went around the class answering questions she sat right next to me (like I even needed to include that detail!) and I followed her with my answer. I had to try my hardest to NOT mimic her voice b/c it was so ridiculous. It was like this clip but if she got really excited about something it would get really high pitched and she would jut out her bottom teeth and tugged on her ponytail....it was just ghaaaaastly!



And EVERYTHING was about her and how much of a big shot she was at her old job in NYC, followed by some "buzz word " that made absolutely no sense. For example, "Yes, my tastes are really unique, I go for the armchair, transformation, bittersweet, quirky stories." What. The. Hell?? You can not just put 4 words together and think that it makes any sort of sense. She went on to tell me she has major social anxiety. I was not surprised in the least bit and I said nothing. What I should have said was, "Move along crazy." She thought the teacher must think she's crazy felt like she was taking too many notes because blah, blah, blah...SHOOT ME!

I need to learn how to get this chick AWAY from me. I am not good at being mean but I can't sit through another 9 weeks of her prattling on about NY and her love of the sunshine...uh and that voice! *Slaps forehead*

The class is interesting. An assignment we had was to list 10 movies we love, why we love them and then 2 sentences summarizing the plot. I thought, "ONLY 10?? From what genre, what time period?" I could have gone on for days, weirdo said she had a hard time coming up with 10. (If you can't think of 10 movies you love, maybe you shouldn't be in a film writing class...just a thought.) I decided to give myself a limitation of movies I love because of great writing (not  JUST the music or costumes.) After deep thought, here are my 10.

1. Gone With The Wind
2. Tootsie
3. Auntie Mame
4. Funny Girl
5. When Harry Met Sally
6. Some Like It Hot
7. Back To The Future
8. The Holiday
9. Sabrina
10. Sunset Blvd.

A lot of the people in the class work in "the industry" so I felt like, maybe I was going to be the novice and didn't know much.

...And then I slapped myself in my stupid face. I don't know much about  movies?!  Just because I don't talk like an uppity, self-righteous, douche doesn't mean I don't know my stuff.

Others' choices were: Cohen brother's movies ("all of 'em are sweet", oy vey!), 'The Runaways', 'Clueless' and 'Stars Wars Episode 3', yea #3, the crappy one. Our teacher used to work for Sydney Pollack and if you already knew that he was the director of 'Tootsie', then you are miles ahead of most people in the class. As a matter of fact, our homework for the week is to watch 'Tootsie'. Heaven, I'm in Heaven! I will try not to dominate the discussion of the movie next week..try is the key word.

It's it Romantic?

So...while running at the gym tonight I saw a story on Night line about how the romantic comedy is dead. The interviewee, a supposed expert, really had nothing to contribute, but the story did get me thinking.

It's true, I haven't seen a great romantic comedy in a while. The ones that I have seen are almost always with the same actresses (Jennifer Aniston or Lopez, both need  to go away or Kathrine Heigl, meh) and some meathead with a hot bod as the leading man. I know that there are about a million screenplays submited a year and I wonder what idiot thought, "Another Jennifer Aniston rom com? She has a lame love life in reality so, I'll cut her a break and give her a good fake one...for the third time this year."

Most of the newer "rom coms" (I effing hate that term) are either all about sex or a guide to being a slut. I know that is a trend with girls, to sleep with a guy and then get to know him (not me, I just happen to know some crazy skanks who clearly like to overshare.) I think we need movies that teach women to act like women and get men to be romantic because clearly, that is a lost art.Women bitch and moan about how there are no romantic men left, well close your legs and make them be romantic. If you want to be a whore, start charging and stop whining.


What happened to dapper men that were charming and made the audience fall in love with them? Clark Gable, Paul Newman, Bill Holden and even light in his loaffers, Rock Hudson would charm the pants of you. And not all of them were hot; Jimmy Stewart was not a stud but he was the Tom Hanks of his day, a nice guy that anyone would want to be with.

I digress. This new turd is about to breeze into theathers this month.

'No Strings Attached' is about sex buddies. I'll save you the $10 for the ticket and the $15 for snacks and 2 hrs of having to watch Aston Kutcher's craptastic acting and tell you to turn on VH1 tomorrow at 5PM and watch 'When Harry Met Sally' for free where you can find out that men and women can not, infact, be sex buddies without someone's feelings getting hurt.

Someone needs to put the romance back into the romantic comedy STAT because it's not dead, just on life support.

***What's your favorite romantic comedy?***

I see dead people...and Conan.

Jeggings Coco? Well...Make it work!

So...I got tickets to see Conan. My rally partner, Mego and Heather accompanied me to the taping at the Warner Bros. Studio on Wednesday afternoon. We were really early so we went across the street to Forrest Lawn Cemetery to see how many dead stars we could see.

View of Burbank from Forrest Lawn.

Mego saw this before I did. I'm not a huge Laurel and Hardy fan, but I do appreciate the fact that his family acknowledge that he was an actor. I found that most celebrities are buttholes and don't put that part on their headstones. Seriously, your family's not coming to visit you, the people that paid for the plot you're in will...make it easier for us.

BALLER STATUS!! Bette Davis' awesome grave says "She did it the hard way." Good for her.

I don't know who this dude was but his nickname probably has a hilarious story involving a bathroom behind it! We also came across a person with the last name of Boocock. That's just sad.

My future, a headstone with a cat on it.

They were building a new mausoleum. It reminded me of a game of Connect 4 but instead of checkers you use caskets.

"The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me." The cassette tape on a mountain top was the best thing? Really? I will say this was THE MOST creative headstone I've ever seen. And the weirdest.

We went over to Warner's, parked in the garage there and went to Level 1 to check in with security. We weren't allowed to take any cameras or phones with us so I will take you on an adventure, with words.

Security consisted of a bag check, metal detector scan, Warner Bro's photo ID check and two Conan ticket check ins. You could leave and come back after that, but I don't know the area well so we stayed put. It was like a holding pen/fenced in prison yard that played Weezer. There were plenty of goons for my eyes to feast on. It was like Mom's across LA were cleaning out their basements and sent their weird hipster kids out into the world for the afternoon. (Example: There was a guy who had a hat on with the bill flipped up and written on the bill was "Low Life." You didn't need to tell me guy, I already knew.)
At 2:45 we got into groups and 2x2 walked across the street and into the studio to wait in a queue. I was honestly waiting for them to tell us we were all going to get a shower soon because it was feeling a little concentration camp-esque. We were told to shut up and were walked in small groups, across the studio lot to stage 15, were Conan is taped. Each stage has a plaque that has what films and TV shows have been taped there. I saw one that had held the set of Auntie Mame and A Star is Born and I nerded out a little bit.

 I kept seeing these things.

Star Waggons. They are kind of sad compared to the dressing rooms of old. We got to the stage, we were in row 2, right behind the producer of the show. Awesome! The band played two songs, the warm up guy came out to pump up the crowd, Andy Richter came out then the show began taping. The guests were Joel McHale, Tim Gunn and Cake. I know, awesome line up! It was a really fun taping and we were easy to spot on TV because of my...brightness. Here's the link to the episode. See if you can find me, or just watch it because it's funny.

Afterwards we went to the gift shop which was lame town. Disney is still the best at hocking their wears. They didn't have a single Conan shirt or mug or anything there. But they did have FRIENDS stuff. Yea, that show has been off the air for almost ten years. Come on guys, get your act together because you could actually make money off that store if you did!

We then spent the next TWO hours in traffic. I would go see Conan again for sure, but tip for those that are going to see a taping, get the tickets early and  then go get lunch, or bring a book. I just saved you two hours, you're welcome.