On The Sunny Side Of The Street

Although I can't have any chocolate, this was all the sugar I needed this V-Day.

So... I spent Valentine's Day with Alec Baldwin. You can stop braggin' about your assorted box of Russell Stovers chocolate and romantic dinner at Olive Garden, and KNOW my day stomped yours. Bright and early on Valentine's Day morning, I got up and drove into Hollywood to see Alec Baldwin received his star on the Walk of Fame. Heather came with me and we stopped at Starbucks before hand. I needed the boost, with my porcelain skin and aversion to any time of day ending with A.M., I already draw too many similarities to a vampire. The girl in front of us ordered $25 worth of coffee in between texting. I wanted to smack the back of her head, I had places to be, skank!

TIP: THIS is NOT the person to crowd in front of.

We got to Hollywood an hour before the ceremony, and there was already a butt load of people, but I got a good spot. The girl in front of me left to go find a bathroom and a few minutes later I heard, "Excuse me." A girl, NOT the same one, pushed in front of me. Oh hell to the no. I'm a rule follower, and you can NOT just say excuse me and crowd your way to the front, not when it involves me getting out of bed early AND Alec Baldwin. I saw her gross ass bedhead hair that hadn't been brushed for days, all oily & dandruffy, basically a walking Head and Shoulders ad. She was wearing high heels and rolled up jeans...I knew she was a stupid skank. I looked at the girl next to me, I saw that she was also frustrated. Since I was bigger, I pushed right up against skank-a-saurus Rex , breathing down her gross neck, making it super uncomfortable to be there. "Woooow, you've got to be effing kidding me,"  I said to the back of her flaky head. She stood there for a few more seconds, then left. She tried to get into the press area, but she was neither a member of the press, nor hot enough to enter. That's the brakes! She came back to my area and I stood close to my new rule following friend and didn't let her squeak in. "Uh, some people," she said. "Screw yourself," I replied, I'm pretty sure she did, she's a skank, they can't help themselves.

Shampoo is for closers.

I noticed the same homeless dude that was at Mel Brook's ceremony was at this one, thankfully it was not a hot day so the trash bag he utilizes as a purse didn't smell as bad. The press really started coming in and the guy in the photo below looked a lot like Huey Lewis, I wondered where 'The News' was. (That guy is actually Jerry Penacoli from Extra!)

Oh, whoa, workin' for a livin'.

The event started. Johnny Grant isn't the mayor anymore, so the new guy got things rolling. A few stars were there; Jack McBrayer (Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock), Nick Offerman (Ron Swanson from 'Parks & Rec" and Megan Mullally's husband), Stephen Baldwin (proving that everyone has a goober little brother) and Anne Heche (who cares?!) &  Megan Mullally spoke. She is very funny and wrote a great speech. Billy Baldwin was supposed to speak but was sick, so another schmuck talked, then Alec got up and excepted his star.

He was very gracious, the speech was funny but he thanked a bunch of industry people that no one knew. (Why do people do that? If your agent got you a gig, you don't have to thank him ---you already PAID him, he did his job, what he was paid to do. Oh well, he's just a nice guy.)

I don't know what that guy was yappin' about, neither does Alec. 

"I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can."- Jack Donaghy

After he did interviews (with NBC only reporters) he came over to us peasants. What sucks about stuff like this is there's always a bunch of douche b's that want to get crap signed so they can sell it on eBay. I effin' hate them and they were there in force.

A: Always, B: Be, C: Charming

Always Be Charming

It was a fun way to spend Valentine's Day, but I had to drive back and go to work. After an awesome day, a little kid in a wheel chair snapped my happy ass back down to reality and told me I looked like Miley Cyrus. I took it as a compliment since he was a kid and had no way of knowing she's actually a gangling weirdo. Then his Mom chimed in and said I must get that all the time. Thank you life,even though you gave me lemons to make lemonade with, you always make sure to squirt a little juice in my eye, just to keep it real!

Educate Yo' Self: Song my blog title is referencing

Isn't It Romantic? Well, isn't it?!

So... I watched Julie and Julia today with my friend Eddie (no, of course not straight!). We both noticed that Julia Child really had a thing for Valentine's Day. Eddie sincerely hates that "holiday." Surprisingly, I do not hate Valentine's Day. I really like hearts, mixtures of pink and red and I really like candy. (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person under 50 that LOVES conversation hearts.) When I was a kid I always enjoyed picking out the Valentine's Day cards we passed out to classmates(the coolest ones I ever passed out were Clarissa Explains It All), plus all the super fun, cutesy Valentine's Day crafts we made leading up to the party.

I suppose what I really enjoyed, without knowing it, was that EVERYONE was included and got to celebrate and have fun. Like everything in childhood, enjoy it while you can! Unless you are a second grade teacher, it's not like that as an adult. It's a very exclusive celebration and not everyone gets a My Little Pony card in the heart shaped envelope on the back of their desks. Not everyone likes you, and even more specifically, like that.

I've been bombarded with emails from Robbins Bros. about "planning the perfect Valentine's proposal," ads reminded guys to buy Russell Stover candies(DO NOT buy those guys, you're girlfriend will know you put ZERO thought into it and just ran into a Rite Aid. Not even a real gift and they taste like crap.)and my least favorite "how to make sure you get some this Valentine's Day" from Spike TV. (Rule #1, don't do anything on that list because it's made by douchebags who clearly don't have girlfriends.)

I can ignore the ads. What I can't ignore are the stupid turds I serve every year on that day that say, "Oh, what are you doing for today?" Well genius, it's 7PM, I'm at WORK, so clearly, I have no romantic plans. Since I can't say that, I just say nothing, which is almost worse because I then get the, "AWWW, why not?! You're so pretty." Thanks for further insulting me today, I'm lonely and attractive so something must be the matter with me. Do I have smelly feet? Am I a nun? (No and no) That is the one day I wish I could go to work and be invisible for the day. I can't pretend to be happy for the girls at work who get stuff from their boyfriends or the people I'm serving on dates. I can't be happy because I think, "Hey, why you? What's so great about you that you get all this cool stuff and I get nothing?" It's like Rudolph having to watch all the other reindeer play and not get to join in, even though he's just as good (and as we find out BETTER) than they are.

Most guys hate the holiday. I love when I hear, "Valentine's Day is a stupid made up holiday, guys should be romantic everyday." You right they should.  But since that doesn't happen, guys don't get laid everyday of the year and we have this holiday for slackers. Look at it as extra credit dummies.

Hopefully all the crappy Valentine's Days I've had plus all the lonely Valentine's Days will equal at least one awesome Valentine's Day in the future where I can finally be part of all the reindeer games...how, uncharacteristically optimistic of me.