NERD ALERT

Yes, I have the hots for guys that have been dead for over 40 years. Deal with it.

So...I went out to dinner with my friend Andrea from my writing class. It was in Culver City and since I am actually an 80 year old woman I knew that is where all the old (when movies were good) studios were located. I parked above a Trader Joe's/Honda dealership and we walked across to the cantina. I saw this plantation-y looking building. With what I knew about the area, I had a hunch that it was Selznick's Studio (Later Desilu, yes, as in I Love Lucy) but it could be a mortuary.

That's what mortuaries look like in Bakersfield because when you die you're going to a "plantation in the sky." (Insert horribly racist comment here.)

We finally walked over and it said Culver Studios, which means nothing to me. We finally stumbled across a plaque that said it was in fact the studio I thought it was...being right never gets old. I had to keep my nerdiness to a minimum because Andrea isn't as big of an old movie person as I am but inside I was freaking out!!! Clark Gable used to come to work here and not just to film any movie, my favorite movie ever, Gone With The Wind. AHHHH!! Not only that but Lucille Ball used to work here! Double AHHHH!!I've wanted to see this place ever since I saw GWTW when I was 12. To me, they are both like gods and to be somewhere they both were turned me into a super geek.

Yes, the Dad from 'Richie Rich' plays Hearst. Clearly he gets type cast as awesome, old, rich dudes.

An ironic tidbit from that day; I came home and got "The Cat's Meow" in the mail from Netflix. It's about the murder of Thomas Ince, who built that very studio. The movie was really good, Eddie Izzard played a very good Charlie Chaplin and movie had to do with a scandal involving our old friend, Baller Status Hearst himself. I definitely recommend seeing that movie, it's not boring because it's all about a gossipy scandal...well when scandals could ruin a career. I wish that were still the case because then we wouldn't have to hear about stupid Lindsey Lohan anymore!!

Prince Charming is Gay

Nothing says 'I'm an adult ready for marriage' like cartoon animals.

So...I witnessed, what I consider to be the most ridiculous wedding reception of my life last weekend at work. The theme was the movie 'Lady and the Tramp.' I'll let you think about that for a minute. The bride to be reminded me of my ex-roommate because she had the annoying baby voice and LOVED glitter. She wore what looked like a slutty Glenda the Good Witch dress that Tinkerbell had farted glitter all over. And no one bothered to tell her that the tulle was see through, which was a fun added bonus for the guys working that night. She was a total bridezilla and looked to be maybe 21...maybe. I know that she had one of the Disney themed wedding packages.

Nothing says I'm a mature adult prepared to make a serious life commitment like an animated  fairytale. I know the girls that do this are totally immature little twits who clearly have some deep seeded childhood issues to deal with. To me you shouldn't be able to get your wedding stuff in the same isle of Party City that 5 year old's get their cheap-o birthday knick-knacks.

Straight guys don't keep lost high heels.

Next annoyance, Prince Charming. I'm not 6 years old anymore, Prince Charming is as real as the Tooth Fairy...actually they have a lot in common, they are both big fairies! Don't believe me? Prince Charming loved shoes way too much for a straight dude.

Silence is Golden?

The Disney Princes that weren't light in their tights were pretty weird too. Prince Charming(Snow White): Necrophiliac, Prince Phillip: Samesies, The Beast: Stockholm Syndrome, Prince Eric: Women have nothing important to say. See.. I'm good with out any of that nonsense to deal with in a man.

I know, 'to each her own,' but the Princess themed wedding is stupid and a waste of money. If I ever have to go to a themed wedding for one of my friends I will be eating an entire layer of your cake to punish you for being an idiot, so please factor that into your budget.

You have been warned.

Circle Gets My Sqaure

"Muwwhahahaa, I am far more fabulous than you Marie!!"

So...am I the gay man's only answer for procreation since Liza Minnelli, Cher, Bette Midler and Babs' lady bits are all dried up and covered with cob webs?

I was at work today and my first table was a gay couple. I knew they were in love with me from the start. "O.M.G. We were just commenting on how your earrings go perfectly with your hair and your flawless skin." Thank you for noticing queens. I actually told them, "Oh well I've got to do something since I'm pale and in California." And pointed to my hair. Apparently that was hi-larious to them and they were eating out of my hands from then on. They said they wished I would have their kids.

To anyone else, that would be a shocking statement. Not to this moi. That's the THIRD time that's happened, at work. I've gotten it multiple times in my private life. The best one at work was a gay that said, "Have my baby!! I want it to be just as ssss-assy as you!" To which I responded, "You can't breed this!"

I don't mind it when gay men lust after my fantastic genetics and uterus. I can't blame them since I love all the things old gay men love. One of my friends in my comedy writing class told me I was like Nathan Lane with tits. If I'm going to be compared to some old queen it better be someone better than Nathan Lane, someone with taste and wit and the right amount of bitchiness. Someone like, Paul Lynde.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." What?

Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

 

(Don't know who he was? Yes you do. He was the center square in the original 'Hollywood Squares' Show, the dad from 'Bye, Bye Birdie', the voice of Tempelton the Rat in 'Charlotte's Web' and most famously, Uncle Arthur on 'Bewitched.' (For those of you who saw the movie version of Bewitched, Steve Carrell did a great impersonation of him...basically the only good part in the whole thing!))

 

I suppose I should be flattered because if there weren't gay dudes out there knocking up hot ladies there would never be a Liza Minnelli...I guess I'm Judy Garland in this situation. She was in love with Clark Gable, sang him an awesome song, then married a string of gay men....I guess I just need to write my song to some hot, older, salt and pepper dude to really get this ball rolling!

Baller Status History Lesson

Baller Status

Portrait of WR Hearst that is in his redonkulous library at Hearst Castle

So...I was reading an article about Huguette Clark today. She is a 104 year old heiress who's father was a rich copper miner turned Senator from Montana. She apparently has no heirs and hasn't been seen by anyone other than her attorney for decades! I'm getting a feeling of Dorris Duke deja vu. (For those of you who don't know her story she was another heiress and when she was old and dying her butler got her to sign over her fortune to him. Super douche.) Huguette has huge mansions on both coasts that have sat empty for 50+ years yet are still kept clean and tidy.

I am very interested in American heirs and heiresses from the turn of last century. Let's face it, the heirs/heiresses of today don't have the flash that their predecessors did. (Well, Paris Hilton does flash, but I'm not talking about that kind of flashing!) My all time favorite is William Randolph Hearst (who was born one day after me..and 122 years earlier!) Hearst Castle is one of my favorite places to be, ever. (If I ever get a horrible cancer my "Make a Wish" will be to hang out there all day and do whatever I want...with Tootsie. That will be the best day ever.)It is one of the few places left in California that is truly old Hollywood.

Marion Davies lovin' an older dude, a girl after my own heart.

Most of the fathers of these super rich kids had really young wives, which as someone who likes the more mature man, I can totally get behind that. WR Hearst carried on a very famous affair with Marion Davis (a comedienne at MGM Studios), 24 years younger than him. (Tidbit: When he died he left 51% of his estate to her and his children wanted to buy out her share so, because she wasn't with him because of his money, she sold it to them for a penny!)

Fact: It's a $5,000 fine if you jump into that pool.

Other than their love of young, funny women, what is fascinating to me about the then nouveau rich of America is how they decided to decorate their mansions. The theme of the majority of these homes is what I image the Louvre would look like if it had explosive diarrhea. Take Hearst Castle, at first glance it looks like a Spanish village, except for the Roman tide pool and the tennis courts and the art deco statues. The Richy Riches of today don't buy awesome stuff like their great grandparents used to. Think about it, they went to Europe and the souvenirs they came back with were marble Roman pillars, some Da Vinci sketches and a few ceilings from churches in Spain. You can't buy that crap anymore! Who buys ceilings? That's right, people who are ballers that's who!

Back to Huguette, she's 104, so it's a fact she will die soon. I'm hoping for some awesome stories about her to come out. I'm not buying the whole hermit thing. She's either crazy or bought a time machine with her fortune. I hope it's the latter because that would be a way cooler story.

 (Sorry this wasn't super funny, but it is interesting and you should totally read about Hearst and Dorris Duke, they are both really fascinating people. Then I could talk to someone other than my old ass Grandma about this stuff!!)

Love, Love, Me Do

So...I read this article on The Frisky (thank you for making me addicted to that website Heather) about how it's Love Yourself Week, no not the dirty way, sickos. Even though it seems like a super hippie dippie idea, I'm going to attempt to write 30 things I love about myself. And since I'm not an arrogant ass, this is like torture for me, so please keep that in mind while reading this.

1. I love that I enjoy learning super random facts. I will kick butt on any Trivial Pursuit team.
2. I'm not afraid to embarrass myself. (Getting pooed on by my cat during 1st grade show and tell cured me of that!)
3. I'm always early.
4. That I remember weird crap from being really little. (Do you remember when we sang "Hello Mommy/Daddy" to the tune of "Hello Dolly" in kindergarten Mom or Cassie? Because I do.)
5. I'm super close with my grandparents.
6. That I enjoy my own company.
7. When asked, "Do you like Christmas?" I can say it's my middle name! (In French)
8. That I once wrote to Santa and told him how to make the magic carpet I wanted. (A rug attached to a car battery.)
9.I am an amazing gift wrapper. I could wrap a turd and make it look like it belongs at Nordstrom.
10. I watch classic movies, on purpose, a lot.
11. I've never done drugs.
12. I pretty much have 'Back to The Future' memorized.
13. I'm honest, sometimes too much so.
14. I can pull off HUGE hair. I can't wait to be old and rock it every day and not just on special occasions!
15. That I have a great sense of humor.
16. I'm very loyal.
17. I'm a pretty good knitter.
18. That I won't dumb myself down for anyone.
19. That I sleep like a rock.
20. Weird stuff always happens to me...so I always have the best stories!
21. I enjoy being a girl.
22. I have more songs by Sinatra on my iPod than any other artist.
23. I am passionate about things I enjoy. (Who else gets into an argument about Teddy Roosevelt?)
24. I'm a very hard worker...maybe too hard sometimes.
25. I have a great memory.
26. I have a pretty good knowledge of 'I Love Lucy' and make a great Lucy for Halloween!
27. I find the best deals when I go shopping.
28. I am a good driver. I've never gotten a ticket.
29. I can express myself well in writing...in person, meh.
30. I'm a very thoughtful person.

Give it a try, it really is harder than you think. It's groovy, cat, real groovy...that's what hippies talk like, right?

Also I am the Curmudgeon of the Week, so check out my interview!!

Like a Big Stick of Buttah

Not really buttah, more like Country Crock. 

So...who told Jennifer Aniston she was funny? I think some of her movies are cute, she's a likeable person because she's been a victim of a crazy whore so you can't really hate her. When I think of her, I never think, 'Wow, what a hilarious comedienne.' And the fact that she's being touted in Hollywood as a funny lady annoys me.

Oy! I'm getting all verklempt.

Then I pick up this month's Harper's Bazzar and see she's channeling her inner Barbara Streisand. I'm like Linda Ritchman, I love me some Streisand and I also love me some Fanny Brice. I think if I get when I start my Grey Gardens-esque collection of cats I'll name one Fanny Brice. 'Funny Girl' is one of my favorite movies. It is a cautionary tale for funny girls who work their butts off to not get involved with/become the meal ticket of a gorgeous man . ("Though I may be all wrong for the guy, I'm good for a laugh." I know Barbara, I know.) If Jennifer Aniston were funny, I would think she was relating to this, but she's not.

Sperm Bank Rejects

On top of that, Bill O'Reilly has been shooting his mouth off because of Aniston's comments about not needing a man to have a baby/publicity for another movie where she plays herself. Normally I don't care about people having babies but I've been reading comments on the interwebs about this feud and it reaffirms my belief that people are idiots. Too many people think that just because she's a celebrity she will automatically be a superstar parent. Why? Because she can buy the brat everything it wants. Did no one else watch 'Mommie Dearest?' Just because your child gets a pony doesn't mean it won't ruin your reputation with a horrible book after your death...or that you won't beat the hell out of it with a wire hanger!

You've got some balls Aniston, thinking you are good enough to be Barbara. Babs didn't need a random sperm donor to have a kids...I'm just sayin'.


Talk amongst yourselves.

The Whore Truth and Nothing But

Sing me a sweet song of justice Jerry Orbach.

So...today I got to let my eyebrows do their best Jack McCoy because I was in court. Oh yea, it was a blasty blast. I was suing my crazy ex-roommate. Before the proceedings begin you are suppose to show the other side your evidence. I walked into the hall to do this and she walked up to the bailiff and told him she just can't talk to me because we don't get along. He said, "No one here gets along, that's why you're here, you have to do this." Thank God, one logical person.

She sent her weirdo boyfriend over to give me her evidence, which read more like a work of fiction. I was shocked at how many lies could fit onto one piece of paper. It was like the owl from the Tootsie Pop commercials. One lie. Ta-hoo hoo....crunch!! Yes the center is full of chewy craziness. I went up to tell her about one more piece of truth that I had in my stack and she would not even look at me. What a mature adult, right? So I told Von Doucherton what I needed to say, it was nothing vicious at all,and she quickly whizzed around the corner and came back all teary eyed. What. The. Hell.

COO COO!

Of course my case was not the first one called. The majority of the cases were by Mexicans who needed translators and all had beefs with their mechanics. Note to self: no Mexican mechanics, yikes! As this is going on my gut to churning up a storm and all I'm thinking is, ' Please God do not let me unleash this unruly beast when I go up to present.' I didn't, thankfully.

I had to speak first and I kept it brief and truthful. Then it was crazy's turn and here comes all the Jerry Springer-esque business that had nothing to do with the case and a bunch of fakakta lies. If she were to look over to see my reaction, it was a whole lot of THIS:

Bitch, please.

I did get to call her out on her lies in the court, which was nice. The judge, unfortunately didn't make a decision this afternoon, he would mail the decision to me in a few days. I left feeling a little disappointed and shocked at her total disregard to the whole you have to tell the truth in court thing. I just hope this doesn't end like some of the Law and Orders do. You know the ones, where you know Jack McCoy is going to put the murderer away but he gets off anyways then kills a room full of babies.

Jack McCoy: Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil.

                                Jamie Ross: Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.

All Jerry Orbach cares about is love...of JUSTICE!

Let Me Give You a Tit, I Mean Tip.

So...today I served a bunch of attraction cast members at work. They were all about 19-20 years old and were relatively polite, or so I thought. They left me a written note that said, and I quote, " TIP! You must readjust your boobs, every hour, on the hour or they will go south for the winter! :( <3 People at the Table."

Swear to God, that's what it said.

As we all know, I have problems with my boobs at work (and in life) because I can't see anything below them since they are so...ample. I have had buttons undone and not known it, knocked glasses over because of them. So my first thought was, 'Oh God, what is wrong with my tits?' I looked down and checked my bits out, yes, in the middle of the dining room. What? It was a potential emergency! Everything seemed good, then I got annoyed. I showed it to a few co workers who thought: A. it was super rude and B. that would happen to me.

I'm used to creepy Dads checking out my business but I'm not used to weird college students writing notes to my rack. Things are getting a little too weird, even for me.

Weirdsmobile

So...I don't really write about work too much because I try to de-stress afterwards to prevent my impending stroke. Like most servers I'm "not really a waitress" and I hate that I'm a cliche; serving tables and trying to be a writer. I will say that for someone who wants to write, serving is a great job because you see the freakiest people. For some reason they are all drawn, or sent to, to my section. I will share a few of these crazies with you. Some are actual weirdos and some are weird but super cool.

One, one over priced pizza! Ah, ah, ah.

I will start with some of my co-workers. For the most part I like the people I work with but for some reason we have a bunch of Romanians that work there and they are hilarious. They call me Roscata, which means redhead...for all I know it could actually mean fart face, but it sounds cool. One of  them is an older woman who is very pushy but I think she's hilarious. I have heard her tell children "Hello, I am ___, from Transylvania, ah, ah ah." She doesn't know who Count von Count is from Sesame Street, so I'm left to think that all people from Romania talk like that TV character. The Romanians also are convinced everyone is a gypsy, not the gypsies, tramps and thieves, groovy, Cher kind, more like the kind that are missing limbs because they were caught stealing. I'm serious. I have a million stories about them because I remind the majority of them of a sister "back home" and when one of them found out I have Hungarian blood in me they were stoked and told me in Hungary they have a political party that is against gypsies. I love it.

Want to be my girlfriend?

Of course I have my fair share of hell babies that make my uterus want to dry up and blow away like a tumble weed in an old Western movie (that's a whole other entry!) but then I get the kids that are like the kryptonite of cuteness. Little kids who think I'm The Little Mermaid, kids who teach me baby sign language, Dos Equis kid, and a bunch more I'm sure. But one kid sticks out in my head almost 2 year after serving him. This kid was about five years old and wanted to follow me around everywhere I went and since we were slow, I let him. While chatting with his family he kept lifting his shirt up like Tracy Jordan does on 30 Rock and it was cracking me up. He told me he'd give me a X-Box if I'd be his girlfriend. Then he up-ed it to a X-Box and $30. So if someone ever tells me I'm worthless I can say, "No, I'm worth at least $30 and a X-Box." Thanks weird little kid.

Where can I hide money?

The last person I will leave you with is most assuredly a nut job, for realsies. He came upstairs during Christmas time, wandered around and refused to talk to our ex-general manager, I don't blame him because he was a douche, and of course they put him where all trouble customers go, my section. Like I'm some kind of customer soothsayer or something. He gave me a bank envelope of all of his money and told me he's not allowed to touch money, doctor's orders. He ordered off the kids menu because that's all he could afford and here are the rules I had to follow:

1. Only I could get his drinks and run his food.

2. I had to wash my hand each time before doing so.

3. I couldn't walk past any bathroom with his food or drink.

4. The buss boys couldn't clean near him.

5. I had to cut his food for him.

THEN after finishing his meal, and yes he was the LAST person there, he asked me where he could hide money. I have never been asked that. He said he wanted to hide money somewhere in Downtown Disney so when he comes back he could have his money. I use a wallet, it's kind like peek-a boo with money but maybe this system works for him. He asked me if I could keep the money for him, no way. He paid, lurked around the restaurant some more, grabbed two kids menus to use as make shift gloves to keep germs away and bolted out the door. To this day my coworkers reference this guy as the weirdest person they've ever seen and are still amazed at how patient I was with him, especially for a $5 tip!

Oh yea, and vote for my photo so I can win a walk on role on Mad Men!!! My friend Dave took the photo and does really great work, check him out, especially if you need head shots all my Second City buddies!!