I see dead people...and Conan.

Jeggings Coco? Well...Make it work!

So...I got tickets to see Conan. My rally partner, Mego and Heather accompanied me to the taping at the Warner Bros. Studio on Wednesday afternoon. We were really early so we went across the street to Forrest Lawn Cemetery to see how many dead stars we could see.

View of Burbank from Forrest Lawn.

Mego saw this before I did. I'm not a huge Laurel and Hardy fan, but I do appreciate the fact that his family acknowledge that he was an actor. I found that most celebrities are buttholes and don't put that part on their headstones. Seriously, your family's not coming to visit you, the people that paid for the plot you're in will...make it easier for us.

BALLER STATUS!! Bette Davis' awesome grave says "She did it the hard way." Good for her.

I don't know who this dude was but his nickname probably has a hilarious story involving a bathroom behind it! We also came across a person with the last name of Boocock. That's just sad.

My future, a headstone with a cat on it.

They were building a new mausoleum. It reminded me of a game of Connect 4 but instead of checkers you use caskets.

"The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me." The cassette tape on a mountain top was the best thing? Really? I will say this was THE MOST creative headstone I've ever seen. And the weirdest.

We went over to Warner's, parked in the garage there and went to Level 1 to check in with security. We weren't allowed to take any cameras or phones with us so I will take you on an adventure, with words.

Security consisted of a bag check, metal detector scan, Warner Bro's photo ID check and two Conan ticket check ins. You could leave and come back after that, but I don't know the area well so we stayed put. It was like a holding pen/fenced in prison yard that played Weezer. There were plenty of goons for my eyes to feast on. It was like Mom's across LA were cleaning out their basements and sent their weird hipster kids out into the world for the afternoon. (Example: There was a guy who had a hat on with the bill flipped up and written on the bill was "Low Life." You didn't need to tell me guy, I already knew.)
At 2:45 we got into groups and 2x2 walked across the street and into the studio to wait in a queue. I was honestly waiting for them to tell us we were all going to get a shower soon because it was feeling a little concentration camp-esque. We were told to shut up and were walked in small groups, across the studio lot to stage 15, were Conan is taped. Each stage has a plaque that has what films and TV shows have been taped there. I saw one that had held the set of Auntie Mame and A Star is Born and I nerded out a little bit.

 I kept seeing these things.

Star Waggons. They are kind of sad compared to the dressing rooms of old. We got to the stage, we were in row 2, right behind the producer of the show. Awesome! The band played two songs, the warm up guy came out to pump up the crowd, Andy Richter came out then the show began taping. The guests were Joel McHale, Tim Gunn and Cake. I know, awesome line up! It was a really fun taping and we were easy to spot on TV because of my...brightness. Here's the link to the episode. See if you can find me, or just watch it because it's funny.

Afterwards we went to the gift shop which was lame town. Disney is still the best at hocking their wears. They didn't have a single Conan shirt or mug or anything there. But they did have FRIENDS stuff. Yea, that show has been off the air for almost ten years. Come on guys, get your act together because you could actually make money off that store if you did!

We then spent the next TWO hours in traffic. I would go see Conan again for sure, but tip for those that are going to see a taping, get the tickets early and  then go get lunch, or bring a book. I just saved you two hours, you're welcome.

Moguls, Movies and The Cold

So...after my class on Thursday I went to The Grove/Farmers Market in LA. TCM is doing a 7 part documentary called Moguls and Movie Stars and there was an exhibit  for 2 days only. All the Christmas stuff was up and it was 75 degrees out, yea, super wintry!

Two of my classmates and I were to met up for lunch at a Brazilian food place. As I walked there I saw that MAC make up was having a huge Scottish makeup event and the little Asian queen in the photo below saw me and made a beeline.

HELLOOOO!!

 It was really loud but all I could hear was, "You have great hair," and he shoved a tartan flower thing (below) in my hand and a booklet. Thanks gay guy.

 I went to the exhibit, which I had been looking forward to ever since I heard about it. It wasn't very big, but, it was free so I couldn't really complain. I was interviewed by a TCM employee before I started. She was really nice and I'm sure, was just happy to be talking to someone with out a hearing aide! If you think I'm being mean, I'm not. I was the youngest one there by 60 years and the most mobile. Basically, I was amongst my people.

In between the costumes there were interactive stands that you could look at scripts, watch parts of the documentary series or take quizzes. They had the Oscar from Casablanca there and on one of the screens you could look at Jack Warner's handwritten address book. I thought that was pretty neat because it had phone numbers how they used to be. (Example: Circle-7-2099)

The outfit Marilyn Monroe wore in 'Niagara' was right next to the J. Crew store. I thought it was funny because that outfit (above) is very simple and stylish and it was side by side to a store that thinks it's giving that to the public, when really, it's just over priced crap.

Valentino's outfit from 'The Sheik' is almost one hundred years old and was in fantastic shape.

This was what I was the MOST excited about, clearly. It was one of Scarlett O'Hara's dresses in 'Gone With The Wind', my favorite movie of all time and space. (It's the dress she wore while driving through Shanty Town, not the most glamorous but it was still pretty.) It was a little stained and torn and I read on the plaque in front of it that it was lent out at a Halloween costume!!! Could you imagine getting to wear that to a party! Jeez.

As I left I stumbled across this gaggle of geeks, waiting for the new Harry Potter movie to come out. Look how excited they are to be out of their mom's basements!

I also saw this cute dog. His master is a total douche who uses him to get chick's attention. Sorry dog, bite him in the ba-doobies.

I then drove up to where I'm from to see Lisa Lampanelli Live. I was feeling sick but thought I would get over it, HA. (The night before a dirty kid at work coughed DIRECTLY in my mouth as I was taking his table's order. I Bea Artured those parents SO bad.) I went to the show (I paid for it and yes,I am that much of a tightwad.), but I was in a NyQuil hangover for the rest of the weekend. I would like to thank HBO for having 'Tootsie' on nonstop while I in and out of naps on Fridays. That was wonderful.

Me, my best friend Smaptie and her parents before the show.



A Side of Judgement

Today's Special: HATRED

So...the holidays are coming. People are looking forward to spending time with their families and having vacation time. Not me. I serve at a place that is open 365 days a year and pretends to give a damn about American traditions. (Wouldn't one of those traditions be spending time at HOME on a holiday? Hmmm.)

Even though I am used to this, it doesn't mean I like it. I don't think anything should be open on the holidays, except the ER. Heart attacks don't know it's Christmas, so they get a free pass. I don't understand wanting to go anywhere on Thanksgiving or Christmas. All I want to do is eat, sleep and then repeat that pattern a few times between Trivial Pursuit matches. I don't want to go shopping or to the movies and I definitely don't want to go to a friggin' theme park after eating a huge meal.

I know some of my friends go out on these days and I would like to take this time to tell them this;  I'm judging you. I think you are horrible and selfish for doing this. YOU are the reason someone else's holiday is effed, YOU selfish buttholes. STAY HOME. You don't know how to cook, figure it out dummies. You are bored, get a book. Don't go out because I guarantee you the person helping you when you go out hates you to your core.

Every table I serve on the holidays I hate. They are horrible people and my Bea Arthur judgement is crystal clear on those days. These people aren't even enjoying their day either, they are too busy bitching at their hell babies. What a waste of their day and more importantly, MINE! Did Home Alone teach my generation nothing? Going away for the holidays sucks. Stay home with your weird uncle, chatty grandma and cousins. DUH!!

Random Related Rant: People with boyfriends and girlfriends, stop pretending you are married. I do not understand stressing out about going to your boyfriend's parents house on the holidays and whining about having to eat two dinners in one day. I have had boyfriends during the holidays and I never even thought, 'Oh I better go to his parents' house for turkey and stuffing too.' Nope, I looked down at my hand, didn't see a wedding ring and said, "See you on the 26th. Your Mom's a bad cook and I don't HAVE to eat her crappy cooking yet, so I'm going to my house...where they know how to cook." Plus, you'll probably break up and like a dummy, you dedicated time to a family you won't even be in anyways. I'll tie both rants up in a neat little bow: STAY HOME!

Am I on Candid Camera?

Not honey, not sweetie, not tootsie, it's Dorothy, D-O-R-O-T-H-Y, Dorothy.

So...I was watching Tina Fey on Letterman tonight and she put up a photo of what she was for Halloween. Tootsie. Really, Tina?

It is a joke between some of my friends that I am the embodiment of Liz Lemon. It's not something I'm proud of because as Tina Fey said herself, "Liz Lemon is a more pathetic version of myself." Ouch. But the truth is supposed to hurt.

Liz Lemon=Moi

• Dated gay men
• Therefore has no gaydar
• Hates people that break rules
• Loves hot dogs
• Mistaken for a lesbian
• Can not be sexy
• Had horrible boyfriends
• Talks to food about her problems
• Star Wars Nerd
• Been a beard
• Loves Show tunes
• Has a foot secret
• Loves UNO
• People think she's racist
• Judges with facial expressions
• Tries to be nice
• Endanger of being an old spinster
• Would rather have men buy her food, than drinks
• Stays up all night writing
• Uncomfortable with sexual stuff (Yep, not a skank.)
• Loves ham
• Horrible dancers
• Has great relationship with TV

I could keep going for a while more, but you get the point.

But the Tootsie thing is the LIMIT! No one loves Tootsie more than me...NO ONE!! You need to stop with the hidden cameras (unless Stacey and Clinton are going to pop out, then that's OK) Tina, no more stealing my life. I need to capitalize on it first, damn it!

If I were a Gay Man...

Use your creative skills gay dudes, Bea Arthur is harshly judging you from her thrown in Heaven.

So...this Halloween I saw and heard about plenty of gay dudes' costumes. I hate to say it but I was underwhelmed. Although it made me think about what I would do if I were a gay man. (Then that made me think about writing a song to the tune of 'If I Were a Rich Man' from Fiddler on the Roof...but I didn't do that, you're welcome.)

Here's a list of awesome costumes I would wear....if I were a gay man:

• Julia Child, you could even make it the bloody version a la Dan Aykroyd on SNL.
• Bea Arthur, perfect for the very tall man.
• The cast of Golden Girls, if you have enough people.
• Tootsie (duh.)
• Freddie Mercury: Speedos, suspenders and a mustache. Slutty and funny, every one's happy!
• The cast of Some Like It Hot.
• Glinda the Good Witch, something fun for fairies!
• Mrs. Doubtfire
• Joan Crawford, bring plenty of wire hangers.
• Liz Taylor, but the crazy version in a wheel chair.
• Carol Burnett's version of Scarlett O'Hara
• Annie and Daddy Warbucks
• Charles Nelson Reiley

I could go on, but I like the costumes that are not the typical ones drag queens wear. Any who, keep it in mind for next year gay dudes. Just remember, Bea and I are watching...and judging.

"Oswald, I'm a man."
"Nobody's perfect."
Side note: I met a little chubster at work who told me he was going to be a Rough Rider for Halloween. He started to explain what they were and I told him I totally knew and Teddy is my FAVORITE President ever and gave him a sweet high five. That kid is awesome and creative.

Here we go again...

You thought you could argue me with about TR...HAHAHAH. Idiot.

So...I am the Batman of defending Teddy Roosevelt. If you thought I would only ever meet one person who would argue with me about Teddy Roosevelt, you'd be wrong.

There is a guy in my writing class who loves to argue, as do I,but apparently he doesn't know that when you argue you kinda need to have facts to back up your argument. The whole ordeal started while talking about JFK boning Marilyn Monroe. I said that he was a pig for cheating on his wife and I think he's an overrated President. (Both facts, by the way.)

Dude: All Presidents cheat on their wives, they're Presidents. And JFK was amazing, Bay of Pigs...?

Me: No they don't all cheat, TR didn't cheat. And how appropriate is it that, Bay of PIGS and JFK was a pig?? Hmmm.

Dude: TR totally cheated on this wife. That's what Presidents do.

Me: TR NEVER cheated on his wife. (Flipped him off) You're an idiot.

Dude: No he totally did. All Presidents do.

Me: Is it that hard for you to understand that not everyone is a total pig like you? (He shut up.)

...And if you ever talk bad about TR again, I'll punch you in the throat.

I would like to say, that one, I'm right, there is NO evidence that TR ever cheated and two, that guy does not know how to argue.

Moral of the story: you better bring your A game when you talk to me about Teddy Roosevelt, or I'll bust out a big stick on your face!

T.F.D STATUS

FANCY

So... I went to the Re-opening of Second City Hollywood today with Heather. It was a long but super fun day. We saw two shows, the first being The Sassy Gay Friend Show. If you don't know who that is, educate yo' sef.

It is a fantastic show and everyone should see it. Seriously, it's $10, it's fun and you could even be in the show...just like ME!! That's right, I went on stage and Sassy called my friend Cassie (non-intentional rhyme-age)and gave her some funny relationship advice. Brian Gallivan is the guy that is in the show, he is hilarious and told me he would love to see me on a night time soap opera...I'll take that as an awesomely gay compliment!

One tall drink of water.

 Brian Gallivan and I after his hilarious show.

(By the way, I have 5 inch heels on in this photo too!)

The next show we were going to see didn't start until 7PM, so we had some time to hang out in the lounge and have some snacks. Unfortunately for me, the only drinks were beer and wine...not really my thing. So I had white wine on the rocks, a la my Grandma.

As we were chatting, Brian came over and introduced me to a dude, Terrance, Trent, Templeton, hell, I don't know what his name was. Anyway, he knew I was single and was trying to do me a solid...T-bag was nice, but not for me. Thanks for trying Boo.

I also saw Tina VanVleet, who was in the Miss Lady USA improv show with me and is perfection. I had seen her perform before I was in the show with her and she had always stuck out in my mind as one of the funniest people I'd seen on that stage. She commented on how awesome I looked...not being dressed up like a Grandma does wonders for me, I know! (She's also in a show called THUNDERDOME on Friday nights...since you'll already be there seeing Sassy, you need to see this chick to. I insist upon it.)

Heather, lounging in the lounge.

We saw the Farley Brother's podcast (you can listen to it on iTunes, I believe. And I don't know how to do a link to iTunes, so if you really give a crap, you can figure it out. I'm not the Geek Squad over here.) They were funny and Lex Luthor from Smallville was there and some cute but not funny Aussie chick was there and eventually David Spade's late ass showed up.

We stayed around to see if we could get into another show. So we kept my girl Sasha company, as she was the bouncer for the VIP lounge. Do not mess with her, she does not mess around! Sasha is in my writing class with me and rains down judgment upon people with her facial expressions. They go a little something like this:

DENIED

That poor thing had to be there from 9AM to midnight. Damn. She did crack Heather up with all of her stories about weird people she has to put in their places on a daily basis. (Another rhyme...what the hell?)

ADORABLE

We went back into the lounge and I was chatting with some dude I know from Second City who is nice but NOT cute and Brian comes up behind the guy and gives me the OK sign and a wink. I made sure to sock him in the arm when he past me a few minutes later. We didn't get into the show but I did get to tell Brian that although it has been a while since I've been on a date (more than a while, but that's a whole other blog!) I could do better than that hot mess he saw me talking to! Please!

Heather LOVES hot beef, can you tell?

The show was sold out, so we went down to 25 Degrees for yummy hamburgers. We hadn't had a meal all day, so it was awesome. She was amazed at all the slutty girls that were going to the clubs. I kid you not, she loudly commented on all the whores that were out and about, which as a small town girl, I was sure she was going to get us stabbed. She was amazed at how skanky they were until I told her, "Heather, they know they are slutty, they planned this, they're out trollin' for d!ck."  We have now compromised and call them TFD status, I feel safer that way.

UPDATE 10/4/10: Here are photos of me on stage. I snagged them off Second City's FB page.

Some DON'T Like It Hot

So...it was 113 in LA today and what did I decide to do? Walk around in it! I know, I'm a genius. Heather and I went into Burbank for some vintage shopping at Playclothes. I could have stayed there ALL day because they have a ton of coolness there. The first thing that I was drawn to were all their awesome hats. Here's a mini fashion show....think of fashion show music while you look at these.

It looks like Joan Crawford died on my head.

Smile and say awkward! I loved both of these items.

Very British.

I love hats and would have loved to have bought a few (mostly the fuchsia one) but no one wears hats anymore!! The sales lady tried to get me to buy it but, where am I going to wear a hat? Target? My writing class? I think not.

Nothing says lets try on FUR COATS like 113 degrees!

I do LOVE this coat, but it was $225. Maybe another time...like when I moved somewhere that actually has coat weather!

I ended up getting a cute little apron for myself...yes I wear aprons. Jealous?

We walked down the street to look at other vintage shops and the 2 block walk felt like Satan's minions were heating up the pavement just for us. And maybe they were because this is what we found.

May this haunt your nightmares!

 We then drove over to Glendale to have Armenian food. I'd never had it before but I was game to try it, so we ate at Raffi's Place. It was really good. Armenian food is basically kabobs, you can't go wrong. 

We had humus, yogurt, and pita bread to start.

We shared a chicken kabob with pilaf and BBQ-ed tomato. Heather clearly wanted me to hurry up and take the photo so we could eat.

And we finished with an orange and lemon sorbet. Very refreshing in the heat.

We wanted to NOT get stuck in traffic so we went over to check out the Halloween store and Borders instead of sitting in rush hour. I have zero plans for Halloween so far and if I end up doing anything I will make my own costume and not buy one at the costume store. All the little girl costumes seemed to be like sluts in training gear. Whatever happened to weirdo little kid costumes like witches, cats, and scarecrows? The girls that were on the ads for these things looked they should come with the note: WARNING: If your daughter chooses this costume she'll be pregnant by 16...just like Mommy.

I did find a sweet cut out and forced Heather to snap one last photo of me. Over all, fun, yet hot day off.



Let Me Entertain You

Looking for Sea Otters in Cambria.

So...my writing class has started back up again, the first thing to break open the cocoon of hell that was this horrible summer. I couldn't wait to start up again because I needed something going on in my life that was fun.

After week two of class I was "volunteered" to be in an improv beauty pagent one day before it was to happen!! I have never acted or improved anything, but I figured 'oh well, I won't know anyone watching except for my writing friends, so who cares?' I got my two costumes; one gown and one leisure wear and I was set. I got to Second City and waited around with my Stage Mama,Sasha, until it was time to get ready. The Sassy Gay Friend Show was before the show I was in and it was sold out. So as that show is going on the girls in my show got changed backstage. Before long Brain Gallivan (Sassy Gay Friend) came back and took a look at all of us and points to me and says, "You're going to win this." See, gay men can not resist me, even when I'm in costume. Too bad I'm not that irresistable to straight men! All my writing friends came and even one of the new guys from our class came out, which was really nice.

 We go on in our gown looks:

Center Stage

(After my cat pooped on me during show and tell in second grade, nothing embarrasses me anymore...clearly.)

My leisure outfit was this sweet number:

Yes my talent, as choosen by the audience, was tap dancing...that was just dandy!

I didn't win, but that's ok because I'm surprised I even did it.  As I was changing an older dude came back  and talked to everyone and after he left I asked one of the girls who he was. Oh, just the owner of all the Second Cities. If I would have known he was in the audience, I would have been super nervous so thank God I had no clue!

With my old lady makeup still on, I drove to Bakersfield to go to Cambria with my Mom and Scottish Granny for her birthday. It's nice and foggy over there. We had lunch, went to the kniting shop for what  probably felt like an eternity to my Mom, who doesn't knit, and had a wee sweetie.

The next day I went out to Grandma's and got a whole bunch of old pictures, my GG's coffee table and an AWESOME cat ring. Baller Status!

So, things are looking up, my class is going well. But the topper to all the good things is that 30 Rock is back. Yes, I still have a very good relationship with TV and last night's episode was fantastic. I couldn't get my favorite clip of Jack seducing a gay man...his tricks would have worked on me, especially the old hand through the hair. Yummers! But here's my second favorite scene of the night.

We'll see how long things so well for me. I'm sure I'll Lemon all this good stuff some how!

NERD ALERT

Yes, I have the hots for guys that have been dead for over 40 years. Deal with it.

So...I went out to dinner with my friend Andrea from my writing class. It was in Culver City and since I am actually an 80 year old woman I knew that is where all the old (when movies were good) studios were located. I parked above a Trader Joe's/Honda dealership and we walked across to the cantina. I saw this plantation-y looking building. With what I knew about the area, I had a hunch that it was Selznick's Studio (Later Desilu, yes, as in I Love Lucy) but it could be a mortuary.

That's what mortuaries look like in Bakersfield because when you die you're going to a "plantation in the sky." (Insert horribly racist comment here.)

We finally walked over and it said Culver Studios, which means nothing to me. We finally stumbled across a plaque that said it was in fact the studio I thought it was...being right never gets old. I had to keep my nerdiness to a minimum because Andrea isn't as big of an old movie person as I am but inside I was freaking out!!! Clark Gable used to come to work here and not just to film any movie, my favorite movie ever, Gone With The Wind. AHHHH!! Not only that but Lucille Ball used to work here! Double AHHHH!!I've wanted to see this place ever since I saw GWTW when I was 12. To me, they are both like gods and to be somewhere they both were turned me into a super geek.

Yes, the Dad from 'Richie Rich' plays Hearst. Clearly he gets type cast as awesome, old, rich dudes.

An ironic tidbit from that day; I came home and got "The Cat's Meow" in the mail from Netflix. It's about the murder of Thomas Ince, who built that very studio. The movie was really good, Eddie Izzard played a very good Charlie Chaplin and movie had to do with a scandal involving our old friend, Baller Status Hearst himself. I definitely recommend seeing that movie, it's not boring because it's all about a gossipy scandal...well when scandals could ruin a career. I wish that were still the case because then we wouldn't have to hear about stupid Lindsey Lohan anymore!!