Julia and Me and Eddie and Mr. Bojangles

So...today Eddie and I made boeuf bourguignon. It's kind of a French beef stew...who cares what the crap it is because it smells AMAZING while it cooks for 3 hours!!!!

This is all the stuff we had to buy at the store. Food cost was $52 but we spilt it so $26ish each. With all the left overs we ended up with it was VERY reasonably priced. Also, you do NOT need parsley, I just saved you $.89, you're welcome.  And yes, Paula Deen is the Patron Saint of my kitchen, sorry Julia!

We also bought wine, $23 for 3 bottles (two good ones and one to cook with that ended up not tasting too shabby.)

I was in charge of patting the beef dry so it would brown properly while Eddie cut the rinds off the bacon. After drying 3 plates of beef off I was a little grossed out by all the blood on the paper towels and understood why some people would become vegetarians.

Until....

I smelled the bacon boiling. It doesn't really matter how you cook bacon, it always smells fabulous. Sorry vegetarians, more bacon for me!!!

We then browned the meat in olive oil. Note to whom ever plans on making this dish: buy a pair of tongs or your hands will get zapped with hot oil when flipping the meat with a mere fork.

After the meat was browned we sauteed the onions and carrots in the same meaty oils. We added more carrots than the single lonely carrot the recipe called for, I would have even added more than the 3 we tossed in!

 Toss it all back in add 3 cups Chianti, 3 cups beef stock and some seasonings and put it in the oven for 3 hours! BOOM!!! Easy.

While we waited for the boeuf to be done we sauteed a pound of mushrooms in butter (also making the apartment smell wonderful!!)

And boiled some pearl onions in beef stock. After both were ready we just set them aside for when the beef was ready. If you think those two items are something you can NOT add to the dish then you are mistaken, they really add to the meal.

As do potatoes!! We chopped some up, threw olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic and Lawry's Season salt on and put them in the oven too. They took about 45 minutes to fry up.

While waiting we also drank some wine. I'm not a big wine drinker, I prefer vodka, but I thought OK, Julia Child recommended red wine to drink with the dish, I'll try it. I had about A glass of wine. It was alright, I would drink it again but also, not my first choice!!

ALMOST DONE! We separated the solids from the liquid to make a kind of gravy. It was worth it.

Julia would be proud. Thank God I went running all this week!! It was very good and there was about 4 more serving left over after we both got fed. Yum.

Taking my first bite while my exercise ball judges me in the background. I know, 300 crunches!!!

Not a very funny blog posting but I bet you're hungry now! Jealous?!?! I thought so.

Everyone's a Critic 2.0 / I'm THIS Close

If I don't watch it, this could be me.

So... I recently watched the HBO movie Grey Gardens. I've seen the original documentary from the 1970s and the people on 'Hoarders' don't got nothin' on the Beales!!



I really enjoyed the movie because it gave me a better understanding of the two women from the documentary and their true stories...not just their own idealized versions. Jessica Lange was very good as Big Edie and doesn't have a bad voice either. But I felt Drew Barrymore was the best in this role, probably the best thing she's ever done. She was dead on as Little Edie and even trained her mouth to talk like a normal person and not how she normally speaks, out of one side of her mouth, like Bette Davis after her stroke!

After watching that movie I found a super cute video of cats making biscuits. The cat getting the rub down is the same breed as  Mr. Bojangles.

After I watched it I looked up the reason why cats do that. Let me share:

Q: Why do cats knead?

A: That loud purring followed by the sharpening of claws on some soft spot is called “milk-treading.” A nursing kitten instinctively uses his paws to draw out milk, gently pushing on his mother’s stomach to increase the milk flow. When older cats behave this way, it’s a good sign that they’re happy, content, and probably recalling their kitten hood.

The fact that I spent that much time looking up cute cat videos and cat information is a little scary to me. I don't want to become the crazy cat lady in my 20s and when I only have one cat. I hate to think how nutty I'll be if I get more!!

Then I looked on my iPhone. I have 81 photos on there, 32 are of Bojangles. If I die in a car wreck and someone finds my phone they will think, "Whoa, that chick was really into her cat." Here are some samples to prove it.

Covering his eyes from the sun coming in so he can keep napping.

That's right, I'm knitting with my cat. I'm doomed.

I understand he's super cute and awesome but I need more photos of other things or else I'm on the road to Grey Gardens, 30 cats and a giant raccoon!

Trannies and Twinks and Bears! OH MY!

Tranny Hot Mess

So...last Monday night I went to WeHo (West Hollywood) with my friend Eddie. Although I am a fag hag I have never been to the gay Mecca, shame on me. It was filled with all sorts of gay magic!

For those of you who don't know where WeHo is, it's located on Santa Monica Blvd. and the super gay section is about 2 blocks long.

As soon as we parked the car I heard, in that unmistakable gay accent, "HEYYY GUUURRRRLLL!!!"  This little black twink is clearly drunk and just yelling this as he walks. Well, us not being drunk, caught up to him. He whipped around as soon as I was 6 feet behind him and said, " HEY GUURRRLLL, where are you going? You look fierccccce! We're going to whatever club you're going to!" Then grabbed my arm. Since I didn't know where we were going to, I told his drunkenness that I'd meet up with him later...whatever, it worked.

We walked past all the glittery, pink lighted techno blaring clubs to what looked like a dive bar. There were only 6 people in there and the bar tender was in plaid, very un-gay. But, he was gay, how do I know? He asked me for my ID and I pulled it out from my bra and he said, "Oh, what a safe spot." "Well, yea, I don't have to worry about anyone grabbin' my ta-tas here." Then he giggle like a little girl. I went to the bathroom and while returning one queen told me my makeup look "ah-mazing."

On to Micky's, where they were having a viewing party for Ru-Paul's Drag Race (it's a TV show on VH1 and LOGO) with two of the real contestants from the show there. AWESOME, quality drag queens my first time out!! One of the "girls" was dressed as David Bowie from Labyrinth, spot on!

Let's Dance!

The next one up was Lady Gaga. I feel like that is a fairly easy person to be because 1: she already looks like a drag queen and 2: no one really knows what she looks like so it's kind of cheating!

Ra-Ra-Ah-Ah-Ah-Gaga-Ohh-La-La

Another girl was dressed up Donna Summers-esque and got all diva-y and ripped off her wig and sassed it up! I didn't get a photo of her for fear of getting slapped! Eddie ended up knowing one of the girls, her name was Ursula...because that's what she looked like. I didn't get a photo but I made an impression on her because Eddie saw her the next night and she asked for me...maybe she wants my voice!!!

Poor Unfortunate Soul

Side note: I got a drink from the bar and let me just say, one of the BEST bars ever. Why is that you ask?

Because THAT is what the bartenders look like! OH YEA! That dude was my bartender. Neither Eddie nor I could figure out if he was gay or straight but since I think he's cute, I'm going with gay based on my own personal history of being attracted to gay dudes.

After the drag show was done the dancing began. We were on the edge of the dance floor and hand to God, it was like freaking West Side Story at every turn. Dancing gangs came to the floor like gay flocks of geese, all V-ed out in groups of threes. There were walk offs, very serious and Clydesdale like and crazy drag queens dancing alone while watching themselves in the mirror...while I looked at their facial hair! AHHH!!!

We walked down to The Abbey and this little Hispanic guy stopped us and said " O. M. G. Your hair is FABULOUS. And I'm a hair stylist." Thank you, so you're compliment has more value because of your profession or something? Thanks. While on our walk we were followed by a homeless black lady in a wheelchair. She really scared me but called us both girls.

FIERCE at The Abbey

The Abbey wasn't really poppin' but we stayed long enough to get away from crazy wheels. We went to Ripples where there were men dancing in underwear on the bar and fat straight girls slapping one of their butt's. Yikes, never let me be that girl! So we ended up going back to my apartment and Eddie fell asleep on my couch and I slept super hard! Overall it was a really fun and interesting night.

Zap Him Right In the Ba-Dobies!!!

So... I LOVE the movie Tootsie. I don't know why but I love everything about that film. Even the cheesy 80's soft rock as performed by the very mellow, Stephen Bishop.

I want Tootsie to be my best friend, she is AWESOME!! She can do hair and make up and ask you deep questions randomly without making you feel uneasy. I find her voice the most comforting voice of all time, I hope God sounds like that. Yes, my heaven is full of drag queens and frosting, whatever at least it'll be a party! And I am a Taurus and we have a strong drag influence. Don't believe me, go ask Cher, Barbara or Bea. All Taurus and all have a definite link to drag, so I blame it on the stars.

I know she's really a dude, OK, I have seen the movie about a million time but I still think she's perfect for Les. And let's all face it, Dustin Hoffman is WAY more attractive as a lady than as himself. Hell, he's more attractive as Captain Hook!

Anyways, while looking on the Inter webs today I found this interesting interview about a behind the scenes Tootsie moment. It was like a Valentine's gift to myself. It's funny so I hope you enjoy it.

Decadent Y'all.

So... I tried to make a butterscotch cookie with chocolate ganache that I saw on Bakerella's blog.

I couldn't find the 11 inch pan she used but I found one that was 8in x 2in.

I have never made ganache before but it was SUPER easy. Melted butter, cream and chocolate chips. It smelled like hot coco!

I couldn't decorate it exactly like the blog, which stunk because I really thought it looked cool how she did it, but my improvised version isn't too bad.

What I did make that turned out perfectly was the Valentine's Day card. I made it while everything was baking. SUPER CUTE and easy!!!

I also did a red velvet cake from Paula Deen. It wasn't really red because I didn't have any red food dye, but really, it's doesn't matter as long as it tastes good and it's Paula Deen, y'all! You know this is gonna be decadent!!!

OK I was really good and didn't have any cookie dough, or ganache. I taste tested the cake batter because it called for vinegar and wanted to make sure it wasn't salad-y before I baked it but I did have one big finger full of frosting. My total weakness in life. It was SUPER yummy, cream cheese, marshmallow, butter and powdered sugar. Y'all....mmmm.

Cake Sandwich

Not quite the 7 luscious layers of the world famous baker, Fred Mertz, but it works.

A baking job well done and I don't even feel sick from too much dough eating because I didn't have any. 9 year old me would be shocked!

(By the way, for anyone who's nosey, the cookie goes to Eddie, Maybelline's blog about Smith's got me motivated for that, even though I'm nothing compared to God's Bakery. The cake and card go to my roommate.)

TOTAL BUTTER STICKS USED: 9 STICKS.

Hot Tranny Mess

So...I read about this little girl, Tavi, who is pissing off a bunch of old queens at New York's Fashion Week because she's getting more press than them. She's 13 and blogs about haute couture, so all that weird fashion that even Lady Gaga's crazy ass won't wear!
My first thought was "oh crap, it's Minkus as a girl!" (From the 90's TGIF show, Boy Meets World...he was like the white Urkel.) Her looks are the perfect mix of 12 year old and 45 year old Mom who's given up.

I only know one other person who is able to do that, so it's like seeing a sad, weird, frump-a-dump unicorn. AND she looks just like this. AHHH.

So my first thought was I don't know if I like this weird little kid, she reminds me of someone I dislike and therefore could be totally ruined for me, but I kept reading. She has something all the powerful gays in the fashion industry love and I want to know what that is! Youth? Perhaps. But what I really enjoyed about her blog was that in one entry she commented on new fashion using only quotes from 30 Rock. Hilarious!

That won me over. Good job weird kid, keep doing what you love and don't let anyone tell you how to dress. Take it from this weird kid who INSISTED on a bowl cut.

America, Brought To You By Hot Pockets

Official Uniform of the United State Congress

So...The Supreme Court recently shot down a ban that aimed to keep corporations from funding politicians. This was done because the corporations weren't getting the freedom of speech they are entitled to. (Forgive me if I don't have the correct amount of sympathy for these multimillionaires.)

Stephen Colbert CALLED IT two years ago when he ran for President and was sponsored by Doritos. Having the Senator of New Jersey be brought to me by Ed Hardy would be hilarious(and super douchey!), we already know Illinois has been brought to us by the Mob for years. Sadly, this can not all be one fabulous SNL skit, it actually is a bad idea.

The problem for me comes with the the BIG  BAD corporations, like, oil companies, fast food, and medical/insurance corporations.

1: I want my flying car!!!!!!

Seriously, it's 2010. I was PROMISED this by pop culture as long as I've been alive. I was born in 1985, THE pinnacle year for flying cars...Back To The Future, this is some serious sh!t Marty! I blame the oil companies. They screwed the trolley system over in LA, they're screwing me out of my flying car, I hate them. Now with this wonderful new ruling I'll never get my super sick Jetson car, I'll have to keep pumping dead dinos into my car forever. Sorry Dino.

2. Un-Happy Meal

Do NOT get me wrong, I enjoy me some french fries. But, it is cheaper to buy a hamburger ($1) than it is to make a salad at home($7-$25)THAT IS CRAZY!!!!! You are setting poor people up for massive failure and aneurysms. Is it a conspiracy between fast food and the insurance companies? Maybe. We are never going to be any healthier if good food doesn't go down in price so everyone can buy it. But since the Colonel has more money to push his weight around in Congress (pun intended) than Ol' Farmer McGregor, we're probably going to stay super fat. Thanks Ronald, your Happy Meal toys always sucked by the way!

3. Don't mind my cough, here's your dinner sir.

Alright, I'm a college graduate with a job and NO benefits. Livin' the American Dream baby! Health insurance is too expensive for me to buy because I'm not a hypochondriac so I won't use it enough to have the cost make sense to me. The last time I went to the doctor was 2 years ago. I'm sure I should have gone last year when I had a really bad cough, but I just let it play out over the next 4 months until it just went away, cheaper that way. Paying out of pocket for one visit is insane so if I ever have something bad happen to me I get to go to the Clinico Medico. That thought alone makes me want to sit on a knife! With these new sponsors I'm not going to have health care for a while so I guess I'd better learn to say, "It hurts here" en espanol because this is America and I can't go to English speaking doctor since heath insurance is so grossly over priced.

There are more sectors that will be negatively impacted but those are the ones that really upset me. It is a funny topic but clearly Washington is just blatantly grabbing cash and not doing what the people need...not that they weren't doing that before, it's just they are openly whoring themselves out. It's like they moved to Nevada and went to work at the Bunny Ranch to "put themselves through college." Stay classy America and remember to wear protection because you probably can't afford insurance.

Ricky Bobby's Prayer, Brought To You By Powerade.

Isn't It Romantic? Well, isn't it?!

So... I watched Julie and Julia today with my friend Eddie (no, of course not straight!). We both noticed that Julia Child really had a thing for Valentine's Day. Eddie sincerely hates that "holiday." Surprisingly, I do not hate Valentine's Day. I really like hearts, mixtures of pink and red and I really like candy. (I'm pretty sure I'm the only person under 50 that LOVES conversation hearts.) When I was a kid I always enjoyed picking out the Valentine's Day cards we passed out to classmates(the coolest ones I ever passed out were Clarissa Explains It All), plus all the super fun, cutesy Valentine's Day crafts we made leading up to the party.

I suppose what I really enjoyed, without knowing it, was that EVERYONE was included and got to celebrate and have fun. Like everything in childhood, enjoy it while you can! Unless you are a second grade teacher, it's not like that as an adult. It's a very exclusive celebration and not everyone gets a My Little Pony card in the heart shaped envelope on the back of their desks. Not everyone likes you, and even more specifically, like that.

I've been bombarded with emails from Robbins Bros. about "planning the perfect Valentine's proposal," ads reminded guys to buy Russell Stover candies(DO NOT buy those guys, you're girlfriend will know you put ZERO thought into it and just ran into a Rite Aid. Not even a real gift and they taste like crap.)and my least favorite "how to make sure you get some this Valentine's Day" from Spike TV. (Rule #1, don't do anything on that list because it's made by douchebags who clearly don't have girlfriends.)

I can ignore the ads. What I can't ignore are the stupid turds I serve every year on that day that say, "Oh, what are you doing for today?" Well genius, it's 7PM, I'm at WORK, so clearly, I have no romantic plans. Since I can't say that, I just say nothing, which is almost worse because I then get the, "AWWW, why not?! You're so pretty." Thanks for further insulting me today, I'm lonely and attractive so something must be the matter with me. Do I have smelly feet? Am I a nun? (No and no) That is the one day I wish I could go to work and be invisible for the day. I can't pretend to be happy for the girls at work who get stuff from their boyfriends or the people I'm serving on dates. I can't be happy because I think, "Hey, why you? What's so great about you that you get all this cool stuff and I get nothing?" It's like Rudolph having to watch all the other reindeer play and not get to join in, even though he's just as good (and as we find out BETTER) than they are.

Most guys hate the holiday. I love when I hear, "Valentine's Day is a stupid made up holiday, guys should be romantic everyday." You right they should.  But since that doesn't happen, guys don't get laid everyday of the year and we have this holiday for slackers. Look at it as extra credit dummies.

Hopefully all the crappy Valentine's Days I've had plus all the lonely Valentine's Days will equal at least one awesome Valentine's Day in the future where I can finally be part of all the reindeer games...how, uncharacteristically optimistic of me.

May I Make A Suggestion?

So...I have been clicking the 'next blog' button to look around/creepily spy on other bloggers' blogs. Either EVERYONE writes about the same few topics OR blogger.com is trying to tell me something. And if that is in fact the case, then, in the words of Stephanie Tanner of 'Full House' fame, "How ruuuude!"

Popular Blog No 1: Running

WAY to many people are writing about their running experiences, training schedule for triathlons or marathons. Great, you aren't paralyzed and can run, enough already. If running is that entertaining that why is everyone always listening to their iPod or watching The Colbert Report while they run? Oh, that's right because running SUCKS! No one likes it. If they say they do, they are liars and Jesus hates them(I'll get to you in a minute Jesus, hold on!) People that run all the time are clearly nuts and have some inner demon they need to deal with.

Case in point:

Crazy guy who runs alot. At least part of the time he's running from someone who's actually chasing him.

The only reason I run is because the girl on the right (Monique) is hiding inside me, just waiting to come out. I am reminded that it's OK to eat because weekly I see my gym-reaper, Karen Carpenter's (left) twin at the gym. She pounds away on the StairMaster and creeps the hell out me. I'm fairly certain I will witness her death at 2AM at 24 Hour Fitness.

The only other reason to run a lot is for money. Those super fast black guys at the Olympics make tons of money, so I get that reason for doing it, it still doesn't make it fun!

Popular Blog No. 2: Crazy Christians

Jesus is ashamed of his people's lack of creativity and poor spelling.

I don't care if you are Baptist (although they are most assuredly the winner in the crazy for Jesus race), Lutheran, whatever, blogs just about Jesus are coo-coo for coco puffs. I get the middle aged Moms who write them because their kids are grown up and they are bored, so they feel Jesus gives them purpose, I get them. It's the college students I don't understand. I found one that had a HUGE, very serious head shot of a 20 something girl then in small type, Grace every day, spreading Jesus' love. Nothing says it's all about Jesus like a HUGE photo of yourself. You're crazy and already have +300 points in the race to becoming a cat lady, congrats, you are beating me. I have also found that these kinds of people are the ones that are very passionate about making signs (mostly poorly spelt signs) and going to events they can carry these hilarious signs at, mostly at anti-gay rallies. I'm sorry Christians but gay dudes come up with WAY better and hilarious signs. Let me share my favorites with you:

 

Two words: Rock Hudson

Christians, you need to learn some sweet comedic skills, like this gay, HEELLLLOOOO!!!

Good Point

So, I will not be joining the uber Christians any time soon. Mostly because they don't know how to have fun...or do hair.

These ladies clearly do NOT have a gay BFF.

Popular Blog No. 3: Babies

Stop looking at me creepy baby.

I understand that people want to share their photos with family and friends, that's what a flickr account is for. No one except the parents give a crap about Little Johnny walking or talking. People walk and talk everyday, most of the time they do a horrible job at it too. If Johnny is 6 months and plays Schubert, then forget the blog and call Oprah!  Plus pictures of babies are BORING. They are just laying there, drooling and thinking about...nothing.

Then when they do, this happens:

EVERY DAY I see this at work and it makes my uterus want to kill itself. I think my biological clock is permanently on snooze.

So, in summary, blogger.com suggests that my fat ass start running, then thank Jesus I lost the weight and found someone to have horrible little trolls with. You're wrong and just mean blogger.com.