Grays Sports Almanac

"When God closes a door, he opens a dress." -Roger Sterling

So...Mad Men is back and I finally have something to look forward to. Yes, I'm so awesome that the best thing in my week is a TV show. Jealous? This show is fantastic but it also really upsets me because I wish I could have live then. I know that's a nerdy thing, saying you belong in another time but my "time" actually existed. It's not like I think I belong on Endor or middle Earth from Lord of The Rings...come on,I'm not that weird! I just want to wear awesome clothes 24/7.

Do you think that Don Draper would have predicted the way the world has changed since 1964? I know most people think the world has changed for the better, but clearly, I'm not one of those people. I think if Don Draper came to 2010 he would feel exactly like how Marty McFly felt when he went to the alternate 1985 in Back To The Future II.

"That's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship." -Biff Tannen

Today is horrible! It's like waking up to your Mom having huge plastic tits that your step-dad who also murdered your father made her get, nightmare!!You can't drink at work, I for one think everyone's job would be a lot better if you could have a drink. No one dresses up. Not for church, not for the red carpet (except award season) and not for dates. LAME! I look horrible in jeans and a t-shirt but in a nice fitted dress, A-mazing! My body was not build for these crap clothes, but I'm sure I could rock a bullet bra. Hair dos were like art! Now girls have that two toned, skunky hair, they might as well just tattoo SLUT on their face. Or you could wear a super stylish hat! No one wears hat anymore. Now most guys look "metro" (gay) or just sloppy. All men look better in suit. Women are trying to be a man and a woman at the same time and men treat women like crap, they are just plain rude. At least in the 60's they were polite about it. Don't get me started on the music. Let's see, who's music will last; Sinatra or Lil' Wayne? Ughh.

Where's Doc Brown? We've got to go back Marty!!

"And no one will tell you this, but you can’t be a man. Don’t even try. Be a woman. Powerful business when done correctly. Do you understand what I’m saying, dear?"- Bobbie Barret, Season Two.

Stupid Turds

Always Liz Lemon, never Tina Fey.

So...Right before I came in to write this blog I went to pour myself a glass of water, the lid popped off the Brita pitcher and dumped all over me. I had just taken a shower but fate decided I needed another shower of icy cold filtered goodness all over my chest. And yes, I cleaned it up with a dish rag that has cats printed all over it.

Tonight I served a family that wanted to keep drinking and I wanted to leave because I'm a very important and busy person, so I told them bars around Disney that they could go to.(Please note this entire conversation took place with me unaware that my shirt button was undone across my chest, yes I wore an undershirt, but it was still embarrassing.) The Dad seemed to think I was a party girl because I was so informative about where to drink near by, so I corrected him by informing him of my plans for this evening: going home, watching Law and Order and knitting. The Mom high fived me and said, "Wow, I bet your Mom never worries about you." Why, because I'm not a raging alcoholic? Because I'm pathetic? Because I give good advice about all things southern California related? (And, my Mom does worry, because she's a good Mom and that's part of the job, or did you not get the memo?)

The week before I served a really nice family from Australia who chatted me up for a long time about what to do in LA then talked to me about how ugly Megan Fox looks with all her plastic surgery. I mentioned she is younger than me (she's 24) and the Dad told me, "25...(sympathetically touched my arm) good for you." What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Why am I always Liz Lemon and never Tina Fey? Every time I look on Facebook everyone is so damn happy and I am getting consoled about being over the hill at 25!! I hate how people with, what I consider boring lives, are constantly spouting off statuses about how much they love their lives and how great everything is, they have hot boyfriends, go on great vacations, even their farts smell like perfume. Shut up. Are you actually happy or are you trying to convince yourself that you are? Whatever it is, you are annoying. My ultimate happy will one day trump their's. Maybe it's God giving me stuff to write about so that I can one day come out of my boring cocoon and flap, flap, flap, butterfly.

All of this crap I have to deal with now will be turned into golden, shimmering award winning funny and hot beefcakes will follow me around everywhere I go because I am amazing and have a great rack. (At least the last two things are already true!)

Things will start to look up for Old' Liz Lemon, they have to....or else I'll be writing this in a mental institution, on the back of an old banana peel.

Nazi Torture at 24 Hour Fitness

I want to wrap my lips around those bags of frosting.

So...I was at the gym tonight and the choices on the TVs were CNN (I can't watch anymore coverage of oily dead birds, it just makes me mad), ESPN (snore), Glenn Beck and TLC's "DC Cupcakes." I was listening to 30 Rock on my iPhone but couldn't help but read GB's Nazi turrets about how we're turning into Rome and other crazy nonsense. Then something caught my eye on the farthest TV, baked goods. TLC has a ba-zillion baking shows but this one was all about cupcakes.

Smith's Bakery in Bakersfield,CA. If God wanted a cake, he would go there.

I'm not a fan of cupcakes. Why? Cupcakes screw you out of frosting. Cakes are far superior because every side has frosting, cupcakes are lame town because only the top gets it. I don't want more cake,cake is just the support system for the frosting. I love frosting, it is my Achilles heel. Either way, watching these women pipe sweet globs of butter cream frosting out of huge pastry bags was like watching some kind of sick porn as I sweated it up on the elliptical. Almost like some horrible kind of medieval torture. Better yet, since Glenn Beck was on, more like a Nazi torture used at concentration camps.

I bet her cake was awesome.

After that I got to watch TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress." So, screw you who ever picked the TV channels at 24 Hour tonight. You successfully told me why I don't get to pick out super cool wedding dresses, it's because I love frosting too much. Which sucks because when you get married you get a human sized cake!!!! Which I wouldn't share with ANYONE!!

Now I will sit here, not eating cake but thinking about it. Thanks TLC, jerks.

Crazy Baby Voiced Whores

She would be wearing a pearl necklace.

So...I hate women with baby voices. This seems to be a modern trend for women to make their voices sound like a little girl's, I think it started with Marilyn Monroe's annoying breathy voice, which I would take any day over this current nonsense. It seems like they think that the baby voice gives them a "get out of jail free" card...literally. Look at stupid ass Paris Hilton. I hate her. She's been caught with weed TWICE in a month and doesn't get punished. (Yes I know she went to jail once, for half a second, she sure didn't learn her lesson did she?) Men love her because of that baby voice and because she's borderline mentally retarded so she'll let them do anything to her. Her perfume smells like what a candy fart would smell like, grossly sweet.

The ONLY person I know that wears this candy fart perfume ALSO has a baby voice and ALSO thinks she can get away with anything she wants because of it and ALSO is a crazy whore. I understand why the baby voice works on men, they think that girls with that voice are easy, which is true, but why does it work on women? Shouldn't we see through this BS? "Oh, she sounds like a 5 year old, she must be innocent." NO! If she's 24 and sounds like a 5 year old she must be mentally unhinged! I don't like being discriminated against for not having the voice of a stupid spoiled whore. I have the voice of a normal, logical person, thank God for that!

So, tip of the week: If you see a women that has this problem don't think "what a sweetheart," think "that chick is a skank and has mental problem, I need to get as far away from her as possible."

The Most Interesting Kid In The World

If Charleston Heston and Ricardo Montalban had a love baby, it'd be this dude.

So...like any other night I was working, serving the masses and their hell babies when I started a new table. I told the kid the list of sodas and listed the beers for the dad when this 8 year old chubby little boy said, "I don't always drink beer but when I do, I drink Dos Equis." That kid is officially the coolest kid I've ever met. I died laughing because this 8 year old quoted one of the coolest beer commercials ever, and I don't even drink beer! Haven't seen 'em, here you go:

I thought that kid better keep being funny because he was a little chubster and being funny helps mask what's actually weird about you. Take it from me, the child giant.

No, I'm not 14 I'm in 5th freakin' grade!

After watching a bunch of comedy DVDs lately I have found that most funny people are funny because they are depressed or fat or depressed because they are fat...which doesn't explain why the majority of them turn to hard drugs, that's just stupid. Maybe I'm funny because I was a tall chubby kid, I don't really care, I just want to make money off it!

Rock on funny chubby kids, you're 100% cooler than the jocks and sluts. Trust me.

Brain Turd

Me.

So...do bad things come in threes or is it only celebrity deaths? I hope, for my sake, that it's both because I feel like the rabbit that got it's foot chopped off, unlucky! In less than 2 weeks I've had MAJOR roommate crap to deal with, my writing class (the most enjoyable thing I've got going for myself right now) was postponed and I got rear ended going to work. BLERGH!!! I know everything happens for a reason but does it all have to happen at once?! I hope Karma is real because I should be getting something better than a free cookie back!


I love dishing out a good insult. Not something simple, a good insult is an art and not everyone can do it. This montage is how I feel about one of my crappy situations. It is a masterpiece.

I did go see 'Get Him To The Greek.' I had watched 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall' (Get Him To The Greek is kind of a sequel to that movie)which I thought was okay, but the Greek movie was surprisingly funny. All the main characters were really good and I laughed a lot, which I needed. Toy Story 3 is still my pick for the summer full of underwhelming movies.

This July Fourth at 'The Happiest Place in Hell' almost turned me into a full blown racist, almost. I had about 10 separate LARGE parties of middle eastern people and their devil spawn. I don't think I've met any bossier children than these middle eastern kids. A**HOLES! Someone needs to civilize them and teach them some manners because they are atrocious. Getting bossed around by them on MY COUNTRY'S holiday was ironic and pissed me off. I was yelling horrible things in the back when I refilled their bread basket SIX times. I am exhausted and didn't even get a hot dog, damn it!

This entry is titled Brain Turd because it's very random, as if my brain took a turd.